Batten down the freedom doors and don't even think about downing another French fry, because the Republican party is this close to nominating Reagan-hating liberal Mitt Romney. What's that? All that stuff about keeping government small, but incredibly involved in women's uteruses made you think he's a Republican? You're sorely mistaken, my friend. As this Newt Gingrich campaign ad explains, Romney and John Kerry are virtually the same person. In fact, "Just like John Kerry, he speaks French, too." We didn't want to believe it either, but there he is, boldly declaring, "Je m'appelle Mitt Romney." He's probably conspiring with those European bastards on the best way to get to the library as we speak!