OMFG Please Tell Your Tits to Shut Up

This morning, I got an email about an exciting new product— temporary tattoos made specifically for my breasts! I can now, using the power of only my tits and FDA-approved adhesive, accomplish such diverse tasks as: Welcoming the troops home from war. Hailing a cab. And, most importantly, declaring myself "100% natural." Between this and the rash of shirts that read "They're real, and they're SPECTACULAR!" that has suddenly chafed the nipples of the landscape, I'd like to take this opportunity to say: enough with the breasts declaring things about themselves. Please, tell your tits to shut up.

To be fair, the "they're real, and they're spectacular" line comes from an episode of Seinfeld, in which Terri Hatcher plays a girlfriend who righteously disses Jerry and his boob speculating ways. But now, by recreating that exit line in tee shirt form, we're not the ones talking, our breasts are. Which sort of defeats the purpose of that line's utterance in the first place.

Everywhere you look, celebrities are delegating speaking responsibilities to their boobs. Courtney Stodden, a woman who uses her breasts to gesticulate when she speaks in the same way many flamboyant Mediterraneans use their hands, has made a whole big thing about declaring the authenticity of her sweater puppies. In much the same way that politicians release their tax returns before elections, in November, she had a doctor examine her and declare her breasts to be 100% authentic American-raised boob. Katy Perry shot whipped cream from her boobs in that one music video that sounds like a Barbie commercial, and then posed for Rolling Stone with her funbags styled as Hershey's Kisses. The magazine also styled Lady Gaga's breasts, but as machine guns. Gaga later went on to advertise a New York concert with more of the gunbosom motif.

But we Regulars don't have to be satisfied with opinionless, unstyled mammary glands. Thanks to the power of every tee shirt company in the world and every store from Abercrombie to Wet Seal, ladies everywhere can now declare that yes, in case you were wondering, the person wearing this shirt possesses breasts, and, in case you were further wondering, this person's breasts are real. Congratulations, breasts! You did it. You got people to pay attention to you.

What's most baffling about the market niche that Ta-Ta-Too's and every "Here be gazongas!" shirt tries to occupy is that it addresses a need that never existed. There is no crisis of lack of attention or awareness of boobs; I've never heard one woman declare that people don't pay enough attention what's going on in her bra region. Give people a little bit of credit here— if they're are interested in your breasts, they'll figure out where they are.

So what's the next step in the evolution of the acknowledgement-seeking Boob Opinionwear? Two circles, two arrows, the word TITS in bold beneath the design? Or, simply a thought bubble emerging from the middle of the chest that lists whatever hopes and dreams one might imagine one's breasts to have? Maybe sell that shirt with a fabric pen. Maybe make it Hypercolor or something.

In the interim, put the Ta-Ta-Too's away. When your breasts talk, people look for everyone's breasts to be similarly opinionated. And mine are shy.