Fun-Hating Parents Petition to Keep Cosmo from their Children

A totally lame group of fun-hating parents demanding their children's minds be shielded from hypersexual content have banded together to petition that Cosmopolitan, the best magazine to read if you'd like to be sexually judged in airports, be concealed in the checkout area of their local supermarkets. Where's a girl got to put a scrunchie in order to get some fearless fun around here?!

Former Cosmo reader and current Childless But Concerned Citizen Nicole Weider is leading a charge to get that smut out of the eyeline of America's kids. Her effort started last summer, when she picked up a Cosmo, you know, for old times' sake, and was shocked—SHOCKED!— at its content. She tells Fox News,

As a former reader of the magazine, I happened to pick up an issue and was reading it and was completely shocked at how pornographic and explicit the content had become. I immediately thought of my young teenage brothers and it horrified me to think that they and their friends could be reading this material, and the damage it would do to them if they did. So I decided to do something about it.

So she took to change.org to petition that the magazine be sold in a non-transparent wrapper, and she found support from parents sick of having to explain to their children that sex is a special hug between mommies and daddies or 17-year-old Dakota Fannings and handsome male models with waxed chests making eggs.

Asking that the magazine be placed behind a shield or above the eyeline of kids isn't an outrageous request; some of the headlines are risque enough to make me blush, and I'm a total whore by midcentury standards. The more out-there aspect of her petition is this: she also wants to make sure that people under 18 aren't allowed to purchase the magazine. This cannot stand. Without Cosmo, what are the 15 year olds going to laugh at on the bus on the way back from their track meets? Who's going to terrify the virgins by telling them over and over that men really want their taints lavished with attention? Who's going to buy that magazine at all, if not the teenagers? How will Cosmo survive this?!

Thankfully for those of us who still enjoy shamefully buying the magazine and reading it while pooping, it doesn't look like Cosmo's going to be a magazine requiring an ID for purchase just yet; Weider contacted the head of the Federal Trade Commission and was told that the Sexy Sex McSex rag would continue to be displayed naked and sold over the counter until the magazine is deemed a threat to society.

On behalf of bored middle school boys and stranded SpiritAir passengers everywhere: thank you, head of the Federal Trade Commission.

Petition to Ban Cosmopolitan Magazine from Stores Gets over 10,000 Signatures [Fox News]