Well, here's the most upsetting new service we've heard about in a long time: a company offers to search your wife or girlfriend's panties for semen, then DNA-test it to see if she's cheating on you. Oh, and you can also use this service on your daughter.
Infidelity DNA Testing's incredibly creepy press release asks, "How many times have victims had the horrible feeling that their husband, wife or partner was cheating on them but were afraid to confront their partners without 100% non-disputable proof?" Really, if there's anything the Clinton presidency taught us, it's that all infidelity scenarios are made much better by semen analysis. And with just a little underwear subterfuge, explains one Kip Charles, who appears to be in charge of Infidelity DNA Testing, satisfaction — of a sort — can be yours:
The process is real simple. Just provide us an article of clothing preferably underwear or panties and we will do the rest. We can identify if semen is present, make sure it's viable for dna extraction and then do a final comparison to make sure the DNA belongs to the correct person.
He adds, "There is just no legitimate reason or lie that a wife can come up with for having another man's semen in her panties." And why stop with wives? Users can submit men's underwear too, to be tested for semen or for incriminating ladyjuices. The real piece de resistance of creepiness, though, is Infidelity DNA Testing's suggestion that you use its semen detection service to find out if "your daughter is having sex." Because having your child's panties analyzed is definitely a better option than talking to her about sex.
The test apparently "costs a little less than $200 to get started," and "the value you get from infidelity DNA testing outweighs the initial investment." But in order for it to work, your partner (or, cringe, daughter) would have to have unprotected sex and then leave underwear soiled from such sex around for you to find. If your wife or girlfriend is doing that, chances are she's also giving you other signs that she's cheating. And if you're even thinking about stealing some of her underwear for DNA analysis, your relationship is probably in trouble. Actually, I think Infidelity DNA Testing does provide one useful service: breakup advice. If you are seriously considering working with them, you should break up. And this test is actually free!
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