New Year, New Diets For You to Try and Fail

As every late night infomercial for electrodes that give you sexy abs tells you: dieting is terrible. No one likes dieting. In fact, it seems the only people who like dieting are involved in the dieting industry, and they stand to profit immensely from people's desire to be lose weight. To make matters worse, research keeps showing us that bodies work as hard as they can against diets, making them even more difficult to master. In that spirit, here are 5 new, awful ways to grow cranky and demoralized this year without losing weight.

The Shame Diet

Hey, fatty! Look how skinny everyone else is! That feeling? Eat that instead of food. Feel really, really, really bad about yourself, and before you know it, you'll look like a post-airbrushing Marissa Miller swimsuit photo. It's important to keep in mind that everyone who has ever called you fat or criticized your body is actually doing it because they're concerned about your health, not because they're deeply flawed people who have externalized their own self-loathing, and if you'd only listen to their concerned taunts, you'd actually benefit. So, what are you waiting for? Let the shame flow through you. It's for your own good.

The Santorum Diet

Lucky for you, 2012 dieter, it's an election year, which means there's tons of stuff going on and being said that will make you lose your appetite. The current hottest way to decide to cut those pesky calories is to follow these steps before eating any meal: first, drink a full glass of water. This will fill your stomach and stop you from overeating. Next, Google the word "Santorum" and read it aloud to yourself, focusing on the meaning of every word in the first search result. Frothy. Mix. Of. Fecal. Lube. Anal. Are you still hungry? Didn't think so. If that doesn't work, you can always spend the 5 minutes before a meal meditating on Santorum's policies, which are equally appetite-killing.

The Buy A Bunch of New Clothes Diet

The clothes you bought when you were in college are probably no longer in style, Mademoiselle Carpenter Pants. Surrender to the now and blow an entire paycheck on a bunch of new clothes that fit you perfectly— you'll surely gain or lose weight almost immediately. This is scientifically proven. The only downside to this diet is that your new fancy in-style clothes are going to look weird on you.

The Live Really Far from a Grocery Store Diet

Is your lease up this year? Of course it is. Rather than renewing, move to a new place in the middle of the up-and-coming neighborhood of North Bumblefuck. It's got a really cute greenhouse and four hardware stores and a couple of parking lots full of taxis, and most importantly, no grocery stores within a 10 minute bus ride. It's hard to subsist on a diet of junk food when it takes a goddamn hour to go to the store and back. Plus, your new apartment is probably huge.

Cheese

You won't lose any weight eating exclusively cheese, but fuck it. Cheese is delicious.

So, ladies and dudeladies, happy dieting in 2012. May it be a year of unrealistic expectations peddled by snake oil salesmen, and may you come as close to disappearing as your little hearts desire.

Warning: these have not been evaluated by dieticians or health professionals of any kind, but I bet we could get a Kardashian to be a spokesmodel.