Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we nurse horrid hangovers with soothing sips of gossip, extracted from the pages of In Touch, Life & Style, Us, Ok! and Star. This week: John Mayer is seriously depressed; Kim Kardashian wrecked both Kanye and Kobe's relationships; Angie just found out that Jennifer Aniston had a miscarriage like 6 years ago; and rumor has it that Pregnancé's hair will be looking unbeweavable when she gives birth to the Greatest Infant Of All Time.
"How They Got Their Bodies Back!"
Just once I wish that "getting a body back" involved a cross-country car chase in pursuit of a stolen corpse. But no, what we have here is a 10-page diet special, featuring former Playmates Kendra Wilkinson and Holly Madison. There are four pages of ads for a diet supplement called NV in which Holly poses alluringly, and then a two-page "story" called "I Dropped A Jean Size" in which Holly claims, "I can still eat my favorite foods in moderation while taking NV." In other words, a thinly-veiled ad. Kendra's 2-page spread is a secret ad for something called Ab Cuts. It's all very shady, in terms of editorial, advertorial and payola or whatever, but I guess no one expects high journalistic standards from Ok! so whatever. Also inside: Angelina Jolie has a "plot" to "steal Jen's baby joy." In Ok!'s universe, Angie is the evil queen, looking into her magic mirror and watching Jennifer Aniston happily gallivanting with Justin Theroux and then unleashing flying monkeys to pick up Brad so they can have sex right away and produce another biological kid, thereby beating Jen to the finish line. But Jen is "doing everything she can to become pregnant," including taking prenatal supplements and $250 "baby shakes" full of vitamins and folic acid. Still, Angelina "can't wait to steal Jen's thunder," according to a completely psychotic editor pretending to be an insider. "She knows a Brangelina baby would be the best revenge of all." Finally, Lindsay Lohan actually had a low key New Year's Eve — she turned down offers to host nightclub parties and had dinner with friends instead. A glimmer of a bright future or the clippity-clop of an Apocalyptic Horseman? You be the judge.
Grade: F (cold, greasy grilled cheese sandwich served in ashtray)
Life & Style
"I'm Such A Fool!"
Although this story is labeled a "world exclusive," and titled "Stabbed In The Heart," it does not include an actual new interview with Kim Kardashian or with Reggie Bush. Instead it's about how Kim was all lonely with no one to kiss on New Year's Eve, and keeps phoning Reggie, because she still loves him, but he doesn't love her back. "She calls him way more than he calls her," an "insider" (possibly from AT&T?) says. "He's trying to be a nice guy, but he doesn't want to be a rebound or the next guy in her media blitz. He has zero interest in that." Wow, suddenly feeling like I might be Team Reggie. Also inside: A dissection of the Perry-Brand marriage, titled "Katy & Russell: What Went Wrong." Katy is heartbroken that Russell filed for divorce, and feels blindsided that he did it during the holidays. But the relationship was a mess — even though they went to marriage counseling, they barely spent three months actually living together as husband and wife. Russell didn't like that Katy was always gone; she was always working… and when she wasn't working, she was drinking and partying, which Russell didn't like, since he's sober now. At an event on December 3, an eyewitness asked Katy what her Christmas plans were, and she said, "It's a secret," and Russell rolled his eyes "like she was the lamest person on the planet." Guess the "secret" was: packing up her stuff. In other news, John "The Player" Mayer is having serious psychological issues. He spent Christmas alone in Japan, away from his family and friends, and he feels like he's "totally lost" and "in a black hole." An insider who's worked with him says, "The word depression doesn't even cover it." And: "He's gained tons of weight." Since JM's basically a former Gawker employee, and our office is right around the corner from Chez Mayer, I'd like to invite Johnny over for some tea and sympathy. It's okay that you were a total dbag for a while. It's okay to be full of regret! It's never too late to turn things around! New year new you! Need a shoulder to cry on? Stop by the office anytime. Poor thing. Let's wrap things up, shall we? Your final tidbit from L&S: Marc Jacobs uses an Hermès Birkin as a beach bag. (See Fig. 1)
Grade: D (marmite on toast)