Tomorrow, South Carolinians will get to cast their votes for who they think should be America's Next Top Millionaire. But just because all eyes are on The Palmetto State doesn't mean that non-Carolinians should feel left out of the political process! Here's some of the boldest, tackiest, and WTF-iest political wear to be found this election year. Wear one to your next job interview!
As I snorkeled through the internet's large intestine searching for the ugliest political shirts I could find, I noticed a few trends: first, people who like ugly tee shirts really hate immigrants. A lot! (Reminder: "immigrants" is Republican for "Mexicans," not, like Craig Ferguson.) Second, people's hatred of President Obama is so strong that it bends the rules of gravity, physics, and comparison-making. He's Hitler, he's Stalin, he's a dork, he's Che Guevara, he's Buckwheat (because LOL black, right?), he's basically a shit sandwich, according to tee shirts. Third, no one is good with coming up with their own political slogans. It's like rapping. If you're any good, you've probably already got a fan base. And finally, it seems like people are still operating under the misapprehension that arguments can be definitively won with slogans from attitude tee shirts or bumper stickers. If only the laugh track from Two & A Half Men were the arbiter of truth.
If Sarah Palin gets elected to the office for which she isn't running, she'll take her clothes off and do mean things to Nancy Pelosi. Rejoice, perverts!
By now, we all know the story of how Mitt Romney locked the family dog in a container and strapped it to the roof of the car while he and his Romnettes drove to Canada. The dog shat itself in fear. This is a great example of why Mitt Romney is weird, and the last thing you'd want to do, as a Romney supporter, is wear a shirt that further associates Romney with a dog.
And speaking of shit— when your candidate's name is "Mitt," then don't point out that "shit" kind of sounds like "Mitt." There are about 15 negative scatological phrases involving "shit" that I can think of right off the top of my head, and only one good one. Don't eagerly pounce on the one positive way a swear can be employed when you're making your favorite candidate an adoring fan tee.
This shirt orders all the illegals to SPEAK FUCKING ENGLISH. In English. Not the most well-thought out racism, but bonus points for the model's middle finger.
And I was a liberal, but then I saw this Vanilla Ice lookalike modeling a shirt that threatened to skullfuck me if I burn the flag. I kind of want Skullfuck Steve and Speak English Edie to get married.
Rick Santorum's policies are terrifying enough without adding an element of homemade folksiness to it. This
shirt looks like it was home antiqued using tea and tears of gays rejected by their families. Rick Santorum: Because if you don't, I'll cross stitch the Constitution on your fucking face.
You know an idiot's mad when quotation marks are used to denote sarcastic derision.
Wear this shirt to show how much you hate it when smart people run the government. Look at these fucking elites! With their knowledge and intelligence! Let's get some regular Joe NASCARs in there to Average Down in the DC and fix everything with their folksy knowledge.
I've seen enough libertarian multi paragraph social networking missives to know that no Ron Paul supporter has ever been satisfied by simply clicking "like."
This Newt Gingrich's head as the end of the pepper spray cop's plume of protester-neutralizing freedom juice. Why? Why not?
Fred Thompson, 2008's Donald Trump and Herman Cain, all rolled into one. Like a pizza filled with caviar, and deep fried. Why is this shirt still available for purchase in 2012? Who cares!
America: imagine if our penises were as scary as our guns.
Rick Perry dropped out of the race after a disappointing finish in Iowa, then his Twitter account announced, via picture of him inexplicably in a scuba suit, that he was back in the race. But, yeah. Perry/Palin. For the person who is so deluded that they think a man with a smile that communicates the warmth of a Dick Tracy villain and a woman with more interesting hair than opinions should run America, or the person who is such a hipster that they give themselves ironic whiplash.
Every dad who purchases this is pretty much guaranteeing that his daughter will eventually end up dating Mary Cheney.
Wear this shirt featuring the most flattering picture of Ann Coulter ever to gently remind people that the best thing we can do, foreign policy-wise, is murder the shit out of lots of people. Oddly, looking at this shirt reminded me that I should stock up on tampons. Anyone else?