Insufferable Brown-Haired 20-Year-Old Believes She's The Second Coming of Ann Counter


Great news, nobody! There's a new conservative talking head in town, and she's got "Baby Ann Coulter" written all over her. She's 20. She's perky. She hates poor people— a lot!— and she's flattered by marriage proposals from strangers.

Christine Rousselle is a 20-year-old junior at Providence College in Rhode Island who, until recently, lived in a state of relative obscurity. That is, until she wrote a screed about how much America needs welfare reform, because she, as a former employee of a Wal-Mart in Maine, is an Official Welfare Scholar. In her now-Facebook-famous piece, entitled "My Time At Wal-Mart: Why We Need Serious Welfare Reform," she argues that welfare abuse is rampant. Poor people are buying all sorts of things that aren't burlap sacks, toilet paper, and lentils, and they're deriving pleasure from those things. They've even gone so far as to own a piece of technology widely considered a basic social amenity: cell phones! Quote she,

People ignoring me on their iPhones while the state paid for their food. (For those of you keeping score at home, an iPhone is at least $200, and requires a data package of at least $25 a month. If a person can spend $25+ a month so they can watch YouTube 24/7, I don't see why they can't spend that money on food.)

Good point! Poor people should use all of their resources to eat food rather than purchase a device that helps them stay in touch with friends and family, receive information, and get a job.

But the phones weren't the only thing that convinced Rousselle that poor people were not coming correct to Wal Mart. She also noticed that they were buying crazy shit like steaks, lobster, and birthday cakes— giant ones. Who gave poor people the right to have birthdays? She further lamented their "entitled" attitude; Wal-Mart customers who used their government benefits to pay for groceries dared express shock and dismay over low balances on their benefits cards or blame her when their cards were rejected (which is sort of what people do to bank tellers when they're startled by a low balance in their bank account or when their credit card is rejected, but never mind that. We're having a Poverty Hating Powwow Here; let's not interrupt the magic.)

Poor, overworked Christine the Cashier also couldn't help but notice that poor people are, in addition to being wasteful social leeches, kind of dumb. One woman tried to buy a bunch of groceries with her WIC benefits that weren't on the approved list of items. It's almost as though the economically disadvantaged citizens of this country have been overlooked by the educational system to the point that they can't even perform basic daily functions as adults. Man, what kind of jerk doesn't know how to read?

But one woman's childish ranting about how much work sucks is another woman's welspring of conservative knowledge and thinkiness, and Rousselle's column has gained her a moment of pop political notoriety and a small army of followers, some of whom are horny and/or lonely. She boasts to TODAY that her policy thinkpiece has already garnered her five marriage proposals. Bet they're pretty stand up guys, too.

Rousselle says she wants to take her show on the road and spend her career Ann Coultering for fun and profit. She's even got support from the Queen of the Race Trolls herself; Coulter sent Rousselle a Tweet complimenting her incredible insight and telling her she'd be "perfect" to fill her pinched, vitriolic shoes.

One problem: Rousselle has brown, straight hair. And everyone knows that you're never going to make it as a purveyor of lady-flavored conservative Haterade unless your hair shines like the spun gold standard or is inflated into a Bumpit-aided configuration like the mane of a soap opera flight attendant. She best get to the factory that makes sure Megyn Kelly's hair is military grade blonde and get her hair up to speed, stat. The future of liberal annoyance is on the line.

She demands welfare reform— and gets marriage offers [TODAY]