Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we rifle through the drawers of In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star, looking for lacy, sexy little pieces of gossip. This week, we learn what Kate Middleton's first Christmas with the queen will be like; we learn that Miley Cyrus is on the verge of "overdosing" on weed; and we learn that Jennifer Aniston doesn't close her blinds, which is how her neighbor knows that she's hiding unborn twins in her uterus.
"Don't Leave Me!"
This fanfic begins, "It was the canoodle felt round the world…" Because RPatz supposedly hooked up with some chick named Sarah, and thus KStew's "worst fear was realized." Now Rob is "terrified that Kristen might come home and toss his guitar and goodies into the street." It is a "rocky period in Robstenland." Sob! The only other piece worth noting in this issue is the one about how Kris Humphries is a "time bomb," about to explode private Kartrashian information all over us. Take cover.
Grade: F (stained and holey period panties)
Life & Style
"Explosive Tell-All Book!"
Important: There is no book. Not right now, anyhow. But Kim "fears" Kris will "reveal everything about her and her family." Like there are any secrets left? The way this information will surface is that Kris tells his dad everything, and the Kardashians have "no control" over what William Humphries says. And, according to a "pal," "He has many stories to tell." Dun dun dun. Yawn. Moving on. Jennifer Lopez and Cameron Diaz are in a feud that's been going for 13 years, ever since J.Lo trash-talked Cammie D in the '90s. Jenny called Cam a "lucky model" in an interview! Since Cameron is sleeping with Diddy, Jennifer's ex, and J.Lo hooked up with Bradley Cooper, Cammie's ex, shit has gotten nastier and there will be a full-on hair-pulling bitch-slapping smackdown in the middle of Santa Monica Boulevard any minute now. In other news, though the headline reads, "Kate Middleton Shows Off Her Bump," the copy actually claims that she is doing everything she can to HIDE said "bump," which is invisible to my eyes, yet the mag claims "her belly's growing." It also claims "her hair is so lush," because these fools don't know she is PRINCESS SHINYLOCKS and it's been like that since forever. (See Fig. 1) In real estate news, Anne Hathaway is moving into the clocktower in DUMBO, nice. Last, but not least: An unretouched photograph of Angelina Jolie accompanies an article about how her beauty regimen has "finally" been revealed. FINALLY. People have been standing on line, waiting, since the premiere of Hackers in 1995, and at long last life can proceed, now that we know that she dyes her hair dark brown, uses MAC eyeliner, and Clé de Peau Beauté concealer. (See Fig. 2)
Grade: D- (dirty, stretched-out thong)
"Shotgun Wedding & Prison Baby!"
Is something a "shocker" if you feel not one iota of surprise when it is revealed? Just asking. Here's the deal. Leah from Teen Mom has a new boyfriend, and is totes in love, and although she is a 19-year-old divorcée, she'd like to get hitched again, especially since this new dude is "so great" with her twins. Leah is "caught up in the great sex" she's having with new dude and "forgetting to take her Depo-Provera shot and so she COULD be pregnant and getting married but then again maybe not. Misleading cover? You don't say! As for Teen Mom's Jenelle, she went on a "three-day sex binge," so she COULD be pregnant, and since her drifter stoner boyfriend, Kieffer, is a criminal, she COULD land in jail, and then have a "prison baby." Maybe! And also maybe Quetzalcoatl sail into your town on a raft of snakes and an asteroid will wipe us all off the planet and so we don't have to think about these Teen Moms anymore. Let's move on! Fergie might be pregnant because she was spotted "looking thicker than usual and rubbing her stomach." Or maybe she had dessert? Khloe is being "bullied" by Kim, because the latter feels her life is falling apart, so she's taking it out on the former. And last, but not least: Kate Middleton has gained eight pounds and some eyewitness named Leila swears the Duchess has some sort of bump, but then again, it might just mean Shinylocks has internal organs. (See Fig. 3)
Grade: D (dusty old tights with a run in the knee)
"Christmas At The Palace!"
O, to be royal! This is Kate Middleton's first Christmas with the queen. It will be spent at Sandringham manor in Norfolk, and it will not be like any Christmas Kate has ever had! Kate must dress for dinner — actually, she is expected to change clothes several times each day — and must exchange small novelty gifts with the family on Christmas Eve. There will be gin and tonics in the saloon, and then a meal of lamb. Christmas Day, "the royals rise to stockings, stuffed with small gifts and fruit, at the feet of their beds." Then church. Then, at 1pm, lunch of a giant turkey. At 3pm, they watch the queen's taped speech to the nation on TV, and later, board games! Except Monopoly, which has been banned, as it "gets too vicious." Boxing Day, Kate will be expected to shoot pheasant and act outdoorsy. But! She may not, under any circumstances, wear the American Abomination known as blue jeans. Dungarees are banned! Perhaps that is what the uncouth wear on the weekend, but the Queen would like to know, what is a weekend? Kate may wear corduroys, however. Doesn't all just sound marvelous? Also inside: A Hollywood hookup map, in case you've lost track of who has swapped spit/semen/HPV with whom.
Grade: C+ (baggy granny panties)
"Jen: I'm PREGNANT — With Twins!"
Allegedly, Jennifer Aniston has been taking fertility drugs, and thinks she is having twins. In a typical what-it-means-to-live-in-New York story, a NEIGHBOR talks to the mag and says:
"Jen definitely looks pregnant. My kitchen window overlooks a bedroom in Jen's house, and I see her changing clothes from time to time. She seems to have a baby bump — it's more than just a bloated belly."
Yes, folks, this cover story comes to us via a voyeur, a peeping Tom, a nosy neighbor. Who also says: "She's had lots of friends visiting, bringing her things. And when they're there, she doesn't lift a finger. She's always hanging out on the couch and eating Häagen-Dazs." Um, it sounds like this "neighbor" is kind of a "stalker?" Just seems like s/he watches Jen a lot. I mean, sure, go ahead, get Rear Window with it! But also realize that spying too much is creepster behavior. Although: Margarita-loving Jen has given up booze. So the pregnancy rumor must be true! Also inside: Johnny Depp is having a "mini midlife crisis" which involves getting drunk and flirting with women who are not Vanessa Paradis, his girlfriend of 13 years and the mother of his children. VP "told Johnny to come back when he got it out of his system." Sandra Bullock COULD hit Jesse James with a defamation lawsuit that COULD ask for $20 million in damages, but she probs won't. An insider says of Miley Cyrus: "Miley was smoking so much weed, her friends were afraid she had overdosed. Her eyes were extremely glassed over, and she was talking gibberish. She looked messed up." It's called being high as a kite, and it has nothing to do with overdosing! But a source says Miley "drinks alcohol and smokes pot until she passes out." And the magazine quotes AllAboutCounseling.com, which states that a "marijuana overdose" involves "feelings of paranoia or fear, vomiting, increased heart rate, hallucination and disorientation." So don't you go ODing on marijuana cigarettes, kids! Last, but not least: Kim Kardashian returned her wedding gifts for store credit and bought her family a bunch of Rolexes. Allegedly!
Grade: B- (cotton hipster briefs)
Fig. 1, from Life & Style
Fig. 2, from Life & Style
Fig. 3, from In Touch