Republicans Worried Women Won't Vote For Assholes

With the once overcrowded field full of potential Republican Presidential candidates growing more sparse and morally tarnished by the day, some strategists are worried that women might hesitate to vote for whichever of the remaining jagoffs the GOP nominates. And because women vote in larger numbers than men and they tend to prefer voting for non-dickheads, this could be a problem.

Reuters reports that the field of presumed GOP nominees has been narrowed down to three remaining frontrunners— Newt Gingrich, Mitt Romney, and Herman Cain. Many in the party are unhappy with this turn events, and few are less happy than strategists concerned with the female vote. Since that pesky 19th amendment passed, and this "voting" craze drove all the dames wild, parties have realized that they can't ignore the lady electorate. Barack Obama won the Presidency in 2008 with 56% of the female vote and only 49% of the male vote, because in the last election 10 million more women voted than men. Republican strategists should be worried that women won't want to vote for Gingrich, Romney, or Cain, because each of the frontrunners has their own unique way of pissing off the ladies.

America's Smuggest Lobbyist Newt Gingrich has been divorced twice, and has used his multiple marriages to use every possible opportunity to act inhumanely to his spouses. He ran for Congress on a family values platform in 1978 while cheating on his cancer-stricken wife (who had once been his high school geometry teacher). According to his ex-wife, Gingrich visited her in the hospital and demanded she discuss the terms of their divorce. He married the woman with whom he was cheating on his first wife, and in the mid-1990's when he was busy attempting to get Bill Clinton burned at the political stake for marital infidelity, he began having an affair of his own with a woman he later married. After divorcing his second wife, of course. When asked why he couldn't keep Little Newt in his pants, Gingrich said he did it because he loves his country so very much. Let's hope America never comes down with a case of uterine cancer.

Mittens Romney fares better than Gingrich with the ladies, but there was that one time that he tried to personally block a woman from having a life saving abortion. And there's also the truly dickish and dismissive way he speaks to female debate moderators. And also all the flip flopping.

And we all know the Adventures of Herman Cain, who has been accused by multiple women of sexual harassment and who early this week was alleged to have carried on a 13 year extramarital affair with an Atlanta woman. Cain says the allegations are false and that all those women need to stop worrying their pretty little heads about man things like politics and whether or not it's okay for a guy to push your head toward his crotch. Even if all of the allegations are false, there's the issue of the way Cain speaks to and about women. In a recent debate, he referred to the first female Speaker of the House as "Princess Nancy," presumably because it's impossible for a woman to be elevated to a status above sexist nicknames in Herman Cain's eyes.

To make matters worse, the party's been hijacked by a conservative fringe that's too conservative even for Mississippi. Every candidate in the race with the exception of poor, reasonable, forgotten Jon Huntsman said they supported a definition of personhood that began at conception, a notion rejected by 57% of voters in the most conservative state in the union.

So, unless Republicans want to win the Presidency by convincing every single man in America to vote for them and ignore women entirely, they'll have to do a little bit of damage control no matter who ends up winning the nomination. My prediction? They'll hastily pick a female Vice Presidential nominee in the same manner a frustrated 12 year old boy who hates shopping picks out a sweater: by marching up to the store display and grabbing something that looks like it won't make his mom mad. It's how John McCain picked Sarah Palin!

Republicans face potential hard sell to women [Reuters]