Well, Herman Cain supporters, we've got some good news and we've got some bad news. The good news is that a woman has come forward to publicly declare that Herman Cain was not sexually harassing her. The bad news is he was sexually having sex with her, and she's not his wife. And the double bad news is that her name is Ginger White, which is already the name of 40% of mistresses in Lifetime Original Movies.

According to every single news outlet, the woman who says she was Cain's longtime mistress carried on with Herman's Herman for 13 years, flying from her home in Atlanta to meet him at speaking engagements. (Cain's been married to his wife Gloria for 43 years.) When they were apart, they'd call and text incessantly, even after their affair ended 8 months ago. White turned a copy of her cell phone records over to an Atlanta Fox affiliate, showing bajillions of points of cell phone contact between her and a number she said was Cain's.

A reporter from the station texted the number and received a call back from Cain himself, who told the reporter that he provided Ginger White with financial support and friendship and that's it. This explanation immediately seems suspect, considering the fact that some of the pair's text exchanges happened at 4 am, and everyone knows that nothing good comes from texting at that hour; 4 am is the texting hour of the desperately drunk, desperately horny/lonely, and/or desperately out of cocaine. In Cain's defense, we didn't see any of the actual texts that Cain sent White, and I hope with every fiber of my being that the world's collective mind is never defiled by the horror contained in a sext from Herman Cain.

White says she came forward because she figured that the story would get out sooner or later and that she was upset by the way the Cain campaign treated the other women who accused Princess Pizza of impropriety. She says she expects that the same thing will happen to her, and that Cain will never admit to all that horizontal tangoing they did.

The Cain campaign's already busy pointing out all the reasons that Ginger White is lying. She's a woman, and — duh — ladies are automatically liars if they say something that counters something a man in a tie says. She's also unemployed (strike two) and a single mother (strike three!) who has had financial problems in the past (strike four! Someone get this lady off the field!). If she has any sort of history in stripping or sex work that may emerge, that's both strike five and proof positive that Ginger White flagrantly flouts the rules of baseball and truth telling.

We'll bring you more on Herman Cain's restless penis as the story develops.

Herman Cain accuser Ginger White: 'I'm not proud ' of alleged affair [Chicago Tribune]