Tilda Swinton Leads Preliminary Awards Season Red Carpet Exercises

Last night, Gotham's Independent Film Awards were held in New York City. Indie film stars—for the most part—came dressed in quirky ensembles. On second thought, I may have to amend that statement, seeing as Tilda was there, and calling her fashion sensibility "quirky" is like calling Picasso "artsy."

Tilda Swinton Leads Preliminary Awards Season Red Carpet Exercises

Charlize Theron was the host of this shindig. Being, tall, thin and conventionally gorgeous means she can make any old sack of fabric look alluring, and while this dress isn't exactly a sack of fabric, it's tipped ever so slightly more into the "hideous use of fabric" category than the "awesome use of fabric" category. The white halter top nicely accentuates her shoulders, and the gold chains draped around her cleav' do their job nicely as well, but I hate the dropped waist and the wonky gold waistband. The straps hanging from her neck seem completely unnecessary and so do those fanned-out accordion pleats on the side of her skirt. Her hair reminds me of the way female lacrosse players in my high school would wear their hair on the day of a match. But then I look at the photo of Charlize standing next to a very dapper Patton Oswalt and suddenly I am blinded by her beauty, and all I can think is, "Wow. Soooo pretty."

Tilda Swinton Leads Preliminary Awards Season Red Carpet Exercises

How cute is Elizabeth Olsen? She's inherited the Olson predilection for dressing like a septuagenarian, but with a bit more humor and a lot less severity. The gown and the jewels and the hair and the clutch all go together like mashed potatoes and gravy and corn and butter. Or like beer and pizza and more beer and more pizza? Am I right?

Tilda Swinton Leads Preliminary Awards Season Red Carpet Exercises

Felicity Jones always seems so shy and demure at these red carpet events. And elfin. Like an elf garbed in retro drag. Who can apply makeup perfectly. The dress is cute and simple, but the color reminds me of those cheap mints that chain buffet restaurants like Sizzler leave out at the front desk for customers to take on their way out. Those mints taste horrible. As for her shoes—at first, I thought I liked 'em, but on second glance, the straps are too distracting and the texture of the shoe is pure gumminess. Ew. Gummy shoes.

Tilda Swinton Leads Preliminary Awards Season Red Carpet Exercises

Speaking of demure dressing and retro drag on the red carpet—Melissa Leo's dress is a total shout-out to the classic 1950's day dress. The silhouette is incredibly pretty on her, but the embroidered roses are a little cheesy. The addition of the velvet ribbon threaded around the neckline just makes this dress all the more suitable for Easter Sunday. Her bag is every kind of wrong, but I dig how her hair looks like that of a maiden, post-frisk.

Tilda Swinton Leads Preliminary Awards Season Red Carpet Exercises

So this creature exists. Tilda is practically wearing a zoot suit jacket in sparkly plaid over what may be a half-sheer jumpsuit. In the middle photo, she's standing next to director Joana Vicente, who is wearing a fancy bathmat as a dress. I'm not sure how I really feel about the dress because the presence of Tilda elevates everything, even fancy bathmats, to a regal status. PS: The photo of Tilda presenting an award makes her look like someone who has never, in her life, needed to blink dust away from her eyes.

Tilda Swinton Leads Preliminary Awards Season Red Carpet Exercises

Why does the furry shit on Jennifer Carpenter's dress look so plastic-y? The dress is too big and too whatevs, but the shoes are great. Lake Bell is wearing an unimpressive dress that looks like it's about one nipple away from falling off of her. I guess that is sexy. Shailene Woodley's fashion usually underwhelms me, but this time she turned out a sharp look. Turns out the gal looks great in a pantsuit and a fishtail braid.

Tilda Swinton Leads Preliminary Awards Season Red Carpet Exercises

Edie Falco's dress would be just fine if I could rip that lace sleeve off of it. Vera Farmiga, like Charlize, is so intensely beautiful, but it often looks like her clothes are wearing her rather than the other way around. There's always something a little off in the way she dresses. Last night, her skirt was way too tight and her top just a tiny bit too short. As for Louisa Krause? Lordy, she alone dressed for an entirely different event—possibly one where there are free mints.