Which Shitty Tabloid Should You Waste Hard-Earned Cash On This Week?

Welcome to a very special speed-read version of Midweek Madness! Today we dashed to the newsstands and did super quick flip-throughs of the tabloids — Us, In Touch, Ok!, Life & Style and Star — and judged them in an attempt to figure out which one you should pick up to get you through the plane/train/car trip this holiday weekend. Read on, to find out which loser magazine is a winner.


Which Shitty Tabloid Should You Waste Hard-Earned Cash On This Week?

Ok!
"Jessica's Baby Crisis."
Inside: The "emotional and physical crises" Jessica is having are "ruining what should be an ecstatic time," say unnamed random folks. See, it's been a difficult pregnancy — Jess has been dizzy and nauseous — and "everything she eats is highly processed with chemicals and preservatives, white flour and sugar." Mmmm. SUGAR. Anyway, girl is swollen and sweaty and feels like a beached whale and so on. Also inside: Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson have looked into hiring a surrogate so they can have twins without altering their work schedules. And, there's a two-page spread about the Penn State scandal, because one should always get sensitive sex abuse news from a tabloid.
You should buy it if: You enjoy sitting around setting dollar bills on fire.
Grade: F (inappropriate, intrusive TSA pat-down)


Which Shitty Tabloid Should You Waste Hard-Earned Cash On This Week?

Life & Style
"Kris Sues Kim For $10 Million."
Inside: Kris Humphries is "cruelly preparing" to sue his estranged wife and her family. He says his appearance on Kourtney & Kim was scripted. Shocker, huh? And his dad tells the mag: "Little did Kris know that he was being set up. Kris got used — 100 percent used." In other news, George Clooney's gal pal Stacey Keibler wore a dress that showed off her implant scar, Brad and Angie are hoping to adopt from Ethiopia, and in an exclusive interview, NeNe Leakes says: "I'm a rich bitch, but I've earned it." And describes RHOA thusly: "It's a bunch of 40-year-old women acting like we're in high school."
You should buy it if: You want to read a "My Life, My Style" piece by Miss Piggy, in which she says, "My most decadent meal was at Le Meurice in Paris. I skipped dinner and ordered the dessert cart."
Grade: D- (turkey meat served rare)


Which Shitty Tabloid Should You Waste Hard-Earned Cash On This Week?

In Touch
"Angelina's Assistant Tells All!"
Inside: Angie saves her kids' bandaids in a jar. So what. She also "locks herself in the basement every day and exercises for hours." When you have six kids someone's getting locked in the basement for a few hours so you can take a breather. It's them or you. The worst of the allegations is that Ange and Brad leave the kids in hotel rooms unattended while they go in the lobby and drink. Meh, my parents might have done the same and I'm still alive. Maddox is ten, he can keep Shiloh and Zahara from shredding the sheets and overfilling the tub, right? Other news: The Demi Moore story is called "Demi Stands Up For Herself… FINALLY!" which seems rude. JLo's "boy toy" has a "criminal past," and by that they mean he was once busted for drag racing down the freeway.
You should buy it if: You like silly stuff like "Who's Your Daddy?" — guessing which celeb father these daughters have. (See Fig. 1) — and the Urkel-esque feature "Did I Really Do That?" in which Gaga's caption reads, "I WORE SPERM ON MY HEAD." (See Fig. 2)
Grade: D (burned cornbread)


Which Shitty Tabloid Should You Waste Hard-Earned Cash On This Week?

Us
"Husband From Hell"
Inside: "Instead of sweet nothings and togetherness," Kim got "verbal abuse and nights alone." Sigh. Apparently Kris "belittled her in front of people" and called her stupid. He also called her "fat ass." And! He told her she had no talent and her fame wouldn't last, which might be true, but damn, not words that belong in a loving, respectful relationship. Plus, when Kris went partying, he would demand free tables and free bottles of booze; Kim usually goes to bed at 9pm. Zzzzz.
You should buy it if: You want to inspect the changes made to Kate Gosselin's face over the years (see Fig. 3).
Grade: C (one-hour train delay)


Which Shitty Tabloid Should You Waste Hard-Earned Cash On This Week?

Star
"Hollywood Stylists Tell All!"
Inside: Six pages of random tidbits, including Jennifer Aniston's "obsessive" need to get her hair blown dry a certain way, Kim Kardashian's penchant for buying 10 pairs of Louboutins, wearing them all once and returning nine out of ten pairs; and Jessica Simpson's trick for looking like she has a trim tummy:

"She would shove a piece of flat cardboard up her top to give the illusion of a flat stomach."

Insert internet acronym for audible laughter! Other news: Anne Hathway is talking marriage with boyfriend Adam Shulman, so she's trying to slim down, working out "religiously five days a week for 2 hours." Eva Longoria started up a fling with Lakers player Matt Barnes while he was engaged to the mother of his two kids. The mag has the emails and everything! And Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries might reunite for cash. An insider says, "Think of the ratings if Kris and Kim were to undergo counseling on the show, then slip off to some romantic locale to renew their vows." Think of the brains that would explode!
You should buy it if: You want to know about Jeremy Piven's lifts and Robert Pattinson's toenail fungus, which has made his talons "all curled up and yellow." The stylist story is pretty fun.
Grade: B (next-day pie)

Winner: Star.


Addendum

Which Shitty Tabloid Should You Waste Hard-Earned Cash On This Week?

Fig. 1, from In Touch


Which Shitty Tabloid Should You Waste Hard-Earned Cash On This Week? Fig. 2, from In Touch
Which Shitty Tabloid Should You Waste Hard-Earned Cash On This Week? Fig. 3, from Us