Balloon Sleeves, Hip-High Slits & Crushed Velvet. Oh. My.

An extremely bizarre mix of celebrities were on hand last night to hand out awards for the International Emmys. The fashion really ran the gamut—from oddly demure to just odd.

Balloon Sleeves, Hip-High Slits & Crushed Velvet. Oh. My.

The case of the sexy-smoulder-face that wouldn't quit: Jessica Szohr, the one-woman show (subtitle: even when drinking Nespresso in the Nespresso sponsored press room!) Sexy-smoulder face aside, Jessica is—without a doubt—a total stunner. But, oh lawdy, that dress! Those sleeves! The hideous ice-skater sequined bodice! The sequined butterfly wings opening up from her inner thighs toward the high heavens. I like a good balloon sleeve as much as the next impractical fashion enthusiast, but those sleeves look like they have been literally pumped full of air, especially in the photo on the left. Also, what kind of cockamamie event is this, where the next most famous star after Gaga is Jessica "I can't stop smouldering" Szohr? So much confusion.

Balloon Sleeves, Hip-High Slits & Crushed Velvet. Oh. My.

Speaking of Gaga, the side slit that skims past her vag looks downright demure for our lady of many costumes and personalities. Although, now that I look at that slit some more, I wonder if it's not so much a slit as a gaping gash... in the dress, you pervs. If it's just a gash, then I commend Gaga's commitment to standing with her leg cocked just so in order to maximize the visual possibilities of wearing a black gown with a big ol' gash down the side. Anyway, gown with slit=whatevs, normal. Gown with gash=avant-garde, amiright? Just kidding.

Balloon Sleeves, Hip-High Slits & Crushed Velvet. Oh. My.

British actress Archie Panjabi's dress really resembles the antique lace gown Rami Kashou, season 4 runner-up of Project Runway, showed at his finale collection. I guess that's not super surprising since Archie's dress is a fairly classic shape for a gown. The color is very pretty on her, but I can't help but think that Archie's peach gown looks like the less impressive sister of Rami's. Anyway, the hair and makeup look very nice. For a second, I thought maybe Archie had her hair done up in victory rolls, which would have been very cool and very fun to wear with a dress that already has an old Hollywood siren feel to it.

Balloon Sleeves, Hip-High Slits & Crushed Velvet. Oh. My.

I interrupt our regularly scheduled programming for "The Three Faces of Jason Priestly." Brandon Walsh has not aged a day since the first afternoon I saw that gravity-defying wave and those baby blue eyes on my TV screen. Also, dude, how weird was this event? After Gaga and Jessica Szohr, Jason Priestly is now the third most famous person to have attended last night's awards ceremony (although that is debatable now that Jessica's no longer in Gossip Girl.) Weird.

Balloon Sleeves, Hip-High Slits & Crushed Velvet. Oh. My.

Everyone came in their most elegant gowns ('cept balloon girl) and Ally Sheedy came dressed like she's about to attend her kid's piano recital. She's carrying a crushed velvet bag and a dress that I have passed up every single time that I have gone inside Marshall's. Anyway, to return to the subject of balloons and other buoyant things, Wendy Williams is in a pretty slammin' black sequined gown. It's very standard and isn't necessarily interesting from a design point of view, but it fits her well and makes her look statue-fucking-esque.

Balloon Sleeves, Hip-High Slits & Crushed Velvet. Oh. My.

Portuguese actresses Joana Santos and Diana Chaves accepted an award in appropriately glittery and bedazzled gowns. Brazilian actor Vladimir Brichta came looking 1000000 times more put together than Jason Priestly. Not a wrinkle to be found on his suit! I suppose his being so freaking beautiful is also influencing me a bit... And finally, fans of The Wire, rejoice! Omar Little was in the building! I actually pulled this photo from a different event—the NY premiere of Hugo—but it was on the same night, and Omar—excuse me, Michael Kenneth Williams—wore the same thing, which was a classic, long black coat with a furry brown trim over a camel turtleneck. Just like Omar Little lived strictly by his own moral code, which sometimes deviated from the rest of society, I say the amazing actor who plays him gets to dress by a sartorial code unlike anyone else's.