Here's Your Minute-By-Minute Play-By-Play Of Twilight: Breaking Dawn

Last night, I joined the Twihards at a midnight screening of Twilight: Breaking Dawn. Since I first covered the franchise in 2008, I've gone to midnight screenings of each one, and I have to say, as events, they are getting more and more subdued. Maybe the fans are growing up. Perhaps vampires and werewolves have lost their bite. (A little — the flick is still on track to be number one at the box office this weekend.) The theater was definitely packed. I took notes throughout the flick. So if you want to know exactly what happens without actually paying for a ticket, read on.

In the theater. Not a lot of teens… the two ladies next to me are well over 40. And excited.

The Hunger Games trailer comes on. Screams, applause.


The screen goes dark and the movie begins with a shot of the moon… There's excited chatter and then a loud "Shhh!" from everyone not chattering.

Jacob's shirt comes off less than 1 minute in! Screams!


Edward to Bella: "I'll meet you at the altar." Some one in the row in front of me goes, "aww!" with an uptick at the end like she's seen an adorable puppy.

Bella's walking up the aisle. The back of her dress is kind of sexy.

Slow-mo kissing. Goes on for a while. My friend Workhorse audibly rolls his eyes.

Booboo! This conversation seems to be about whether or not Edward will fuck Bella to death on their wedding night. "You'll kill her!"

They're on a secluded island Brazil and she's looking at the bed, OMG, honeymoon night!

She is fucking nervous/excited about getting some vampire penis in her. She's brushing teeth and shaving her legs.

Sex! Breaking hymen! Breaking the bed!
Wait. That was over way too quick.
The camera cut away to the next morning, like a Hays code film.

He won't bang her anymore because he's afraid he will hurt her. They play chess, like the cover of the book! She is horny. Begging for it.

Product placement: Bella looks at an unopened box of Tampax Pearl.
"I think I'm pregnant."

Edward looks ill re: demon fetus. "Carlyle will get that thing out."

Even though the fetus is killing her, she wants to keep it and so do some of the Cullens.
"It's just a little baby. Possibly."

Amazeballs: Wolf conference by some logs. They are snarling at each other. Voiceovers as you watch CGI lupuses emote.

Booboo !

"It's crushing you from the inside out. The fetus isn't compatible with your body. It's starving you."
She looks sickly thin.
She's willing to die so the baby can live, though…

Mmm, bloodshake! Like a milkshake, but blood.

Bella lies to her dad: "I'm gong to a medical center in Switzerland… it's more of a spa."

Jacob is doing some betraying of his tribe…

They're talking baby names. "Renesmee. Too weird?" "Um...."

She's in labor and basically dying.
She yells "Get him out of there!"
Yes! Exorcise this demon spawn!
It's happening so fast!
Edward bites her pregnant belly!
A baby comes out all bloody and covered with bits of blech.
Bella says, "Beautiful." Honey, no.
Then she DIES! Bella is dead. She is skeletal and gray.

Edward injects Bella with venom.
She is still dead.
CPR doesn't work.
Jacob says you deserve to live with this.
Jacob cries!

Edward: "You're not dead come on!"
Bites her all over.

Suddenly we're inside Bella's body looking at her veins and organs and shit is going down. Her blood is freaking out.

Jacob creeps up on Rosalie and Renesmee and when he looks into the baby's adorable baby eyes with those long baby lashes he falls in love! And has a vision of some bright future where she's grown up and wearing a wig. Imprinted.

Fight breaks out! Vamps vs. werewolfs!
Jacob transitions into a wolf and the over-40 lady 2 seats down from me screams "That's my man!"

Bella is still dead, she looks like crap.

She starts healing. Smattering of applause.
Her veins flip out again.
Her whole life passes in front of her. Or us. Whatever.

She looks awesome! No longer a gray skeleton but totally pretty!

She opens her eyes and they are RED!
The end!

Lessons learned:
Sex is scary. Fetuses are terrible parasites. A man can fall in love with an infant.

Earlier: Watching Twilight: Eclipse: A Minute-By-Minute Analysis
Howling At New Moon: Midnight Screening Is Total Mayhem
Translating The Twilight: Eclipse Trailer
Twilight At Midnight: Smells Like Teen Spirit