Highlights From A Bewildering Interview With Herman Cain

Herman Cain's interview with GQ has hit the ass of the internet like a swiftly moving hand of playful workplace encouragement. We already knew Cain is well versed in public buffoonery, and this interview doesn't disappoint. Let's take a look at nine ways in which Princess Pizza has embarrassed himself this time.

Real men prove that they are He Men cockmasters at all times, including when selecting pizza toppings.

The more toppings a man has on his pizza, I believe the more manly he is.
...A manly man don't want it piled high with vegetables! He would call that a sissy pizza.

Yes, nothing sissier than a man eating something that isn't carcinogenic to the ass when eaten in large quantities, and nothing more manly than a man who continues packing his colon full of manly red meat after recovering from Stage IV colon cancer only 5 years ago. Manly for President!

A famous Muslim guy told Herman Cain once that most Muslims think that terrorism is hunky dory, ergo it must be true.

I know that there are peaceful Muslims, and there are extremists. I have nothing against peaceful Muslims. Nothing whatsoever. But I also know that we must be careful of extremists and we must be careful of the tendency by some groups in this country to infuse their beliefs into our laws and our culture.
... I have talked with Muslims that are peaceful Muslims. And I have had one very well known Muslim voice say to me directly that a majority of Muslims share the extremist views.

It's always wonderful to have the good fortune to run into someone who just so happens to be the official spokesperson for an entire group of millions of people, capable of speaking for everyone with authority. I actually used to work with a guy who claimed to be the Official Spokesperson of All Men, and he claimed that all men like it when women act dumb, so lucky me, right? Steve Harvey? Also man spokesperson.

Anyway, thank goodness Herman Cain ran into the voice of the American Muslim, and that he can finally use the anonymous, unnamed source to reach an ironclad conclusion. We all know how much credence Cain puts in anonymous, unnamed sources making serious allegations.

Terrible pizza is delicious.

Chris Heath: What's the best piece of pizza you've ever had?
Herman Cain: Obviously I'm going to say Godfather's.
Chris Heath: But is it true?
Herman Cain: It is true. It gets back to top-quality ingredients.

This is stupid because Godfather's pizza sucks. Everybody knows this.

It's okay to say something that's sort of sexist as long as you remark that you're quite the Bugs Bunny style beloved smart mouth afterward.

Herman Cain: ...Do you guys really want to do this ice cream analogy?
Devin Gordon: We do. Rick Perry?
Herman Cain: Rick Perry: rocky road.
Devin Gordon: Michele Bachmann?
Herman Cain: Michele Bachmann... I'm not going to say it. I'm not going to say it.
Devin Gordon: Oh, come on!
Herman Cain: Tutti-frutti. I know I'm going to get in trouble!

Ain't he a stinkah?

He's still trying to act like he's just a Concerned Businessman outsider who isn't well versed in the ways of Washington who wants to Get America Working again.

I sat in boardrooms as a member of the board of directors of the companies that I served on, and we had to listen to this crap about what Obamacare's requirements were, and it has caused American businesses billions of dollars! Billions! Wow! Too much regulation!

That Herman Cain wants us to believe that this is the first time he's opposed a national health care plan is laughable. He was on the front lines of opposing the Clintons' Health Care plan in 1993. When he was President of the National Restaurant Association (essentially a lobbying firm), he worked to oppose anti-smoking laws, increases to the minimum wage, and mandatory health care benefits for employees. His organization also fought for legislation that would raise the legal blood alcohol limit. Presumably, drunk driving is also manly.

When the Affordable Care Act was signed into law in March 2010, he sat on three boards of directors— Whirlpool, Agco, and Hallmark. Both Whirlpool and Agco received millions of dollars in stimulus funds with which they were supposed to be stimulating. I guess it's no wonder the stimulus didn't work— rather than actually doing stuff with the money, corporate boards just sat around and bellyached about health care.

He works hard for his money.

Chris Heath: Are you a big Donna Summer fan?
Herman Cain: Yes.
Chris Heath: What are other songs of hers that you love?
Herman Cain: [long pause] Didn't she do "Work Hard for Your Money"?
Chris Heath: Yes. [A Freudian-Republican inaccuracy on his part; he means "She Works Hard for the Money."-CH]

This sounds like something an unconsciously sexist character who does not respect women would do. Let's go with this.

Being President is sort of like constantly making commercials... for America.

The biggest barrier to success at passing anything is for the public to understand it. That's why I say you have to be a commander in chief. You have to be a communicator in chief. You have to be the marketer in chief. And if you use that position properly, you can inspire a nation. And you can inspire the business community.

Wait, is Cain running for President of the United States, or President of the Board of Directors of the world's most complicated and well armed corporation? I guess since the billionaire Koch brothers (you might remember them from such public debacles as the Tea Party Movement and the Wisconsin anti-collective bargaining legislation that inspired weeks of protests earlier this year) are funding most of his campaign, it's the latter.

For someone who majored in math, he doesn't really seem to understand how numbers work.

When you learn how to be politically correct, you sound like all of the other politicians. People like my directness and my bluntness. What happens when you become so worried about being politically correct, you find yourself not saying anything. Because you're trying to offend the least number of people. I'm trying to attract the greatest number of people. Different strategy.

I... um... how does that work? He wants to say whatever his meat engorged heart desires and doesn't care if people get mad, because that will make... the most people like him?

Ow. My ladybrain.

He's still going with that Pokemon song thing.

Motivation comes from within. You have to be inspired. That's what I do. I inspire people, I inspire the public, I inspire my staff. I inspired the organizations I took over to want to succeed. I love the song: [almost singing] Life can be a challenge / Life can seem impossible / It's never easy, when there is so much on the line / But you can make a difference. [laughs]

After a speech like that, wild horses couldn't stop me from catchin' 'em all.

Herman Cain Eats Pizza with GQ [GQ]

Image via Lisa F. Young/Shutterstock.