Stars In Eye-Searing Sequins Shimmer & Shine At The Latin Grammys

Last night at the Latin Grammys, the stars basically dipped themselves in extravagance and came out the other end, smiling. The boobs were perky, and the asses even perkier. Click through the slideshow if you want to be schooled in the way of the sequin.

Stars In Eye-Searing Sequins Shimmer & Shine At The Latin Grammys

Did you know that Zoe Saldana is half Dominican, half Puerto Rican? Also, remember when she played Britney's best mate in Crossroads? Nevermind. Anyway, leave it to Zoe to make what is essentially a floor length, t-shirt maxi dress covered in apple green sequins look like the most thoughtful gown on the red carpet—I mean, the Heineken sponsored green carpet.

Stars In Eye-Searing Sequins Shimmer & Shine At The Latin Grammys

From the front, it's like, hey that's a nice, semi-modest, sheer, mock turtleneck, halter top, sequined gown, but then from the side, it's all like, Helloooooooooooooooo NURSE! Is there any way I can achieve Blanca Soto's ass just by sitting on mine all day? She looks fine as hell, but her school cafeteria, just-took-my-bun-out-of-my-hairnet hair detracts from the hotness, just a tiny bit.

Stars In Eye-Searing Sequins Shimmer & Shine At The Latin Grammys

Holy molasses! How does Sofia Vergara do it? Every single time, it looks like someone literally poured her into her gown. I wish that dress didn't have the annoying, squiggly sequins around the middle, but other than that, it's absolutely stunning.

Stars In Eye-Searing Sequins Shimmer & Shine At The Latin Grammys

At the event honoring Shakira, Shaila Durcal was kind of demure in a cocktail dress with a high neckline, but last night, she looked like a Jazz Age siren. For my tastes, I would have liked fewer gold sequins, but then again, there is a football field-sized gap between the amount of sequins I like to wear and the amount of sequins that were on display last night, so let's just take it as a given that I can never be as happyshinysparkly as most of the dresses last night. The bodice of Shakira's dress looks like an advertisement for Swarovski crystals. "Wear this dress made of one million hard-ass crystals, and you will be totally safe should you attend a black tie fencing gala where someone tries to stab you in the gut!" I love the full skirt, though.

Stars In Eye-Searing Sequins Shimmer & Shine At The Latin Grammys

Other than the black swan growing out of her right tit, Giselle Blondet looks like a slithery, reptilian bad-ass. Chiquinquira Delgado's dress has a slight reptilian shine as well, but it's a skosh too débutante ball. I just want to run my hand all over Paulina Rubio's gown, especially over those little conch horns at her hips.

Stars In Eye-Searing Sequins Shimmer & Shine At The Latin Grammys

Man, I like Catalina Mesa's commitment to sequins. So much so that she is wearing a little sequin crown around her head. How very A Midsummer Night's Dream: the Sequin Edition. I propose that a beautiful bias-cut gown with well placed cutouts is like a plate of perfectly steamed dumplings with Sriracha hot sauce. In other words: exquisite as fuck.

Stars In Eye-Searing Sequins Shimmer & Shine At The Latin Grammys

Seriously girl, how can you pose THIS CONFIDENTLY all the time? Alejandra Guzmán's dress has a million things going for it: intentional ruching in three different directions, a lace overlay skirt that opens up to reveal what may be shorts, which would mean she's wearing the world's most complicated romper. But who cares. Alejandra is having fun, and I'm just being a drip.

Stars In Eye-Searing Sequins Shimmer & Shine At The Latin Grammys

Ew, remember when Adrienne Bailon of the Cheetah Girls was dating Rob Kardashian? Gross. I put that aside to focus on her houndstooth dress, which is pretty great. One-shouldered, long-sleeved dresses were kind of a thing last night, and I would put Adrienne's dress at the front of the pack. I like the strap detail in the back, and the waist cutouts are very flattering. Alexandra Rodriguez reminds me of Sandra Bullock, and I can even see Sandra wearing a dress like this to a red carpet event. It's covered up, but still form-fitting, and more importantly, it's not at all fashionable.

Stars In Eye-Searing Sequins Shimmer & Shine At The Latin Grammys

Another red carpet trend I'm digging: long sleeve dresses in solid colors that still show a seductive amount of skin. Gloria Ordaz and Demi Lovato went the plunging neckline route, and Argelia Atilano went the "here's an exposed triangle of flesh from where my hip meets my waist" route. I actually really like Argelia Atilano's cobalt blue dress. For whatever reason, I'm not disturbed by the flap of fabric that makes her perfectly toned body look like it's got a blue gut. Sidebar: I wonder where Selena Gomez was last night?

Stars In Eye-Searing Sequins Shimmer & Shine At The Latin Grammys

So many ladies showed up last night in liquid mercury gowns. True story: when I was a kid, I purposely threw our thermometer on the ground so it would break and spill mercury. Minutes later, my mom came home from work and walked in on me, pressed down on the floor, inching toward a glob of mercury. Anyway, turns out mercury-silver is a great fabric color to drape into a gown! Yucky bridal white? Not so much.

Stars In Eye-Searing Sequins Shimmer & Shine At The Latin Grammys

Salt water taffy bought straight from the boardwalk is delicious, yes, but let us not wear such colors when there are liquid mercury goddesses on the red carpet, deal?

Stars In Eye-Searing Sequins Shimmer & Shine At The Latin Grammys

These three make up the trifecta of DANG, your ladybags are nothing short of impressive. Seriously, my heart swells with admiration. Impressive feats of defeating gravity aside, Julie Ferretti's dress is too orange (yes, I know INCISIVE critique, but it's true.) Sandra Echeverria's dress looks like mercury banged into a metal and then melted back into a liquid and then somehow sculpted into the perfect cocktail dress. Spanish singer Merche is wearing diamonds on her cleavage and what looks like fake suspenders that wrap around her neck. Win-win.

Stars In Eye-Searing Sequins Shimmer & Shine At The Latin Grammys

Sheer sleeves are genius in my opinion. You get to show some skin, without necessarily having to bare it. Plus, it keeps my arm hairs at bay. It's a win-win-win situation. These dresses are also win-win-win. Actually, on the left, beauty queen Massiel Taveras, aka Miss Dominican Republic, gets a MEGA WIN because that dress is brilliant, literally and figuratively.

Stars In Eye-Searing Sequins Shimmer & Shine At The Latin Grammys

Question for singer d'Manti: With a dress like that, do you feel like you're wearing your train, or do you feel like it's wearing you? Also, how the heck do you go to the bathroom? Tell your girlfriends, "All hands on deck!" and get ten of them to lift it up while you do your business?

Stars In Eye-Searing Sequins Shimmer & Shine At The Latin Grammys

Barbara Bermudo looks squeezed into her dress. Also, her neckline is pointing up at her pained expression. I prefer Paula Fernandes's black dress with a sheer panel running down the side to Blanca Soto's, but actually, they both look frickin' great. Do you just go commando if you are going to wear a dress like that? Is that really Princess Theodora of Greece dressed like a saloon gal from the Wild West about to do the cha-cha?

Stars In Eye-Searing Sequins Shimmer & Shine At The Latin Grammys

And here, we have the trifecta of Uh, what is this? Ladies, did you not get the memo? The dress code for the Latin Grammys is: Look fabulous. Also: Let no curve be unhugged by extremely reflective fabric.

Stars In Eye-Searing Sequins Shimmer & Shine At The Latin Grammys

Somebody go tell satin to Occupy Wall Street for a while and leave these perfectly beautiful women alone.

Stars In Eye-Searing Sequins Shimmer & Shine At The Latin Grammys

There weren't a ton of dark, vampy colors last night, but these three ladies brought it.

Stars In Eye-Searing Sequins Shimmer & Shine At The Latin Grammys

How to say this without sounding like an asshole. Fuck it, there's just no way. These dresses look cheap and tacky.

Stars In Eye-Searing Sequins Shimmer & Shine At The Latin Grammys

The belt on Ariel Rose's dress is basically the pattern on a wrought iron fence replicated in gold. The color of Tanya Charry's dress is horrible, and it's sad and wrinkled. (What? Did you think I was going to say, Oh my god, I love the wrinkles on Tanya's dress!) Cristián de la Fuente's pants look too tight, and the top of Angelica Castro's dress looks too loose.

Stars In Eye-Searing Sequins Shimmer & Shine At The Latin Grammys

I want to like Kika Rocha's dress, but it looks like it has soap scum on it. Karen Hoyos's dress isn't the most stylish dress of the night, but it seems kind of fun to wear disco ball fabric for a night. I'm not sure who the gal on the right is. She's listed as Maria Peralta, but when I went to Maria Peralta's website, I got this. Anyway, a black strapless dress is a very safe choice, but I won't deny that it looks great against her skin tone and fits her beautifully.

Stars In Eye-Searing Sequins Shimmer & Shine At The Latin Grammys

What's this? Black tights, a dress completely free of sequins, and GASP, a shapeless sack dress with a (faux?) fur fest over it? How did these three, sensibly dressed ladies (it's relative, people) get in here? It's twilight zone up in this hizzy and I'm sweating.

Stars In Eye-Searing Sequins Shimmer & Shine At The Latin Grammys

Well-dressed geek in a bow tie? Sign me up. Roger Borges, Radio, and Prince Royce are the poster boys for dweeb-chic.

Stars In Eye-Searing Sequins Shimmer & Shine At The Latin Grammys

Taboo, unnamed duo, and David Cabrera took some risks, and for that I shall slow clap for them, but also—a belt on the outside of your jacket? Joke tuxedos with pocket chains? That jacket with the weird black accents? Really? Guess that's why dudes don't take sartorial risks. Cause of Debbie Downers like me all up on their case.

Stars In Eye-Searing Sequins Shimmer & Shine At The Latin Grammys

And finally we have reached the glorious end. I dig Fidel Nadal's music, but not those jeans. Usher knows what looks good on him, but those shoes! Someone explain to me again how that asswipe Wilmer Valderrama dated Mandy Moore and Lindsay Lohan before her life imploded? Wilmer, you douchebucket, you give Latin lovers a bad name.