Herman Cain's Guide To Workplace Etiquette

Do you have female coworkers? Are you curious about how to behave around them? Let "Republican front-runner" Herman Cain give you some tips!

1. If a female co-worker does great work, be sure to let her know. Motorboat her or if her breasts are too small, stick money in her pants. It's a simple, effective way to say, "You're a valuable member of the team." She will NOT take this wrong way, unless she's a stuck-up prude from Uzbeki-beki-stan-flan.

2. You're a man in power and a female subordinate asks you for some professional advice. Suggest drinks in the back room of a strip club. Hand her a blond wig and ask her if she like dancing. If she leaves in a huff, just send her naked pix the next day to let her know everything is cool, no hard feelings (heh heh).

3. A perky young secretary walks into your office to give you your phone messages. Before letting her speak make sure to compliment her by saying, "You're the perfect height for enjoying my penis." If she doesn't "get the joke," fire her! Where do they find these people? Americans know what I'm talking about.

4. One of your assistants has a death in the family and asks you if she can get the week off. Let her know you'll give her time off, if she gets you off! When she bursts into tears, calm her down by saying, "Do you love your family or not?"

5. Whenever a woman at work is talking make sure to interrupt her with, "You have a gorgeous mouth." It lets her know she's not only good at her job but also probably good at "other" things. If she gets all weird just ask if she's on her period.

Rose Surnow is a comedian and humor blogger. Follow her on Twitter!