A Girl's Guide To Guy-On-Guy Sex: Everything But The Butt

Last week, in response to a widely-publicized survey, I cleared up some common misconceptions about dude-in-dude Gay Butt Sex. (Heretofore referred to as GBS.) That was just the tip of the brown iceberg. Today we're going to delve into some other aspects of the carnal canon.

I will say again that I am only expressing my own views here and can't possibly speak for every 'mo. Feel free to leave your own experiences or refutations in the comments.

NB: The acts I'm describing below are only gay when done between two men. Straights have much of the necessary equipment and do them all the time.

1. Rimming's not a pottery technique

We don't all take each other home and just hop on dicks, nor do we resign ourselves to a solo night of vaseline and International Male Catalogues if GBS is off the table. I can't really define what the bases are — can anyone over the age of 13? — but our standard repertoires are similar to yours. Digital, oral, penetration, etc. We have personal preferences. Some guys like getting blown, some only want to make out. The familiarity with each other's genital makeup does lend many gay hookups to end in mutual masturbation, though not always. And remember — things in butts feel good. Rimming isn't fetish, abomination or fecal cuisine. It's just our equivalent to a girl getting eaten out. Fingering is pretty standard too. If something is comfortably-sized and considerately-inserted, it can be foreplay or the main course. So fingers, tongues, carrots, Julie Bowen's arms — they're all viable.

2. Did you have sex?

I honestly don't know. I haven't seen a consensus as to what The Big S is between two men. I'm old fashioned in that if I say "we had sex," I mean GBS. Call me heteronormative, call me Analist. There was a time when I was a virgin — cue the sepia-flashback and old-timey piano. I had done most things, but like Meatloaf I hadn't done that. So when I myself say we did it, I mean we did it. P in the A. I know this does not hold for everyone. The best coverall I've heard is "sex is when you do what you do. " If you're exclusively into handjobs and light BDSM, pouring candle wax on somebody's dick and pulling it off would qualify as sex. I know a great many guys that don't care for GBS — at least not all the time — yet I'd hardly say they're going without sex. To each his own orgasm.

3. "So, like, why are all gay guys such sluts?"

This is a complicated one. Without wading into the quagmire of male sexual biology, I will say that gay men have sexual potential built into the fiber of our socialization. It's hard to be gay at home. You go out to meet others and most of us don't consider the local LGBT Center a big night out. When straight people go to a bar, half the people there aren't viable sexual candidates. Not so for us. Any other gay guy you meet is someone you could potentially have sex with. Like a hetero girl walking into a convention of cunnilungus-adept sensitive hotties, the opportunities are limitless. Even if the actualization isn't. We pick our lovers from the same pool as our friends. Meeting another gay guy at the bus stop or a cafe or anywhere doesn't mean we're going to have GBS; it just means we could. If he's not our type we won't be interested. But if he is? Then it's an option. We're not indiscriminate cum dispensers. Just men who live in a world where, theoretically, no one is off limits.

(Side note: just because he has a penis doesn't mean we're interested. That goes for you, well-meaning yentas, and you, other gay guy in the room/convention/town who doesn't understand why we're not interested.)

4. Open relationships are not "cheating."

My old boss said it best, though I paraphrase: "Gay men grow up being told that men marry women. That's the way things are. Then you realize they aren't and you question the other rules." Non-monogamous couples aren't betraying each other or threatening the strength of their commitment. They have simply set — and are expected to adhere to —a different set of parameters. Infidelity is not sex outside of a relationship, its a breach of trust. So "I met a guy when my boyfriend was out of town and we had sex" isn't the ruinous act you might think if it is within the rules. But "I bottomed for a guy when I told my boyfriend I wouldn't" is. Open relationships are common, yes, but you would be surprised at the different sets of conditions that govern them. I know very few people who run out for a carton of milk and stagger back home three hours later with ten phone numbers and a tampon in their ass. It's not a free-for-all. This ain't Caligula.

5. Yes, guys can give bad blowjobs.

Just because you possess something doesn't mean you know how work it. By that logic, we'd all know how to operate our clock radios. Guys can and do give bad ... everything. We're not born with an innate sense of how to survive in the wild. We aren't colts, walking on knobby legs ten minutes after birth. Ask a guy about the worst BJ he's ever gotten and he'll talk your ear off. Remember: sex is sex. If you've been the victim of a piss-poor technique, chances are a gay guy has too. And for any homos who are reading this, I've said it before and I'll say it again: Dry fingers do not go in asses. They just don't.

6. Ten minutes of haranguing won't change 28 years of biology.

Sexuality is like a fancy restaurant with a no substitutions menu. What you're offered is what you get. I know a lot of gay dudes get shit for hitting on straight guys — I've done it, we've all done it — but the reverse is just as fruitless. If a guy tells you how he identifies you need to take it at face value. If he's bi, he means he likes guys and girls. He's not greedy or confused. If he's gay, he means he he doesn't want to sleep with a girl (there are exceptions here, obviously, but he'd explain them if he wanted to). Asking why I'd turn down an NSA, eyes-closed BJ from a girl is just pointless. I don't want one. Nothing is more frustrating than someone "not getting" why you are or aren't attracted to certain groups of individuals. Which leads me to ...

7. I want to marry Alison Brie, not fuck her or be her.

People tend to make this one more complicated than it should be. As I said above, gay means gay. Yet woman can still trigger our aesthetic sensibilities. It's the same mechanism that allows a straight man to understand why Ryan Gosling is attractive and Billy Corgan looks like the giant baby from Spirited Away. We're not blind to woman. Nor are we sexually attracted to them. I know what a pretty girl is without wanting to jump her. Because I'm gay. I might rave about Community/Mad Men star Alison Brie to my boyfriend non-stop — "She's so pretty," "She's so funny," "She gets to bang Pete Campbell and Jeff Winger" — but it doesn't reflect on my sexual orientation. Strong, talented women have many of the same hurdles to jump through as gay men. That's what made Madonna so appealing to an earlier generation. Don't confuse admiration with desire to do or be. The second one's important. Trans identity is much different than gay (though they can and do intersect). It's unfair to lump them together without understanding the differences.

8. Can you suck your own dick?

God, I wish.

9. How is a gay dude masturbating different than him having sex?

Go home. You're embarrassing yourself.

Zack Rosen is a freelance writer, available for hire. You can contact him here, or follow him on Twitter.

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