This Week In Tabloids: Poor Kim Had To Get Married For Advertisers' Sake

Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, we hit the newsstand, scoop up the newest issues of Star, Us, In Touch, Life & Style and Ok!, and attempt to sort the stained dirty laundry pile of gossip. This week, Justin Bieber had really passionate 30-second sex with a fan who just gave birth to his baby; Demi Moore cheated on Ashton Kutcher with a dude very close to her daughters' age; and Kim Kardashian deserves our pity, since only got married because companies had already purchased advertising slots for the wedding special episode.


This Week In Tabloids: Poor Kim Had To Get Married For Advertisers' SakeS

Ok!
"We're Done!"
Kim has filed for divorce. Her cousin Cindy Behr offers this quote to the mag: "I could tell right away they didn't know each other very well. At her shower, Kris was a big, goofy, funny kid, and you could tell she was irritated with him." Not much else is new, so let's move on: Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves had dinner last week, and a source claims they've been close since they met in '90s when filming Speed. Since they were chatting all through dinner and Keanu was making Sandy laugh, it might have been a date. Jessica Simpson is "ridden with angst" because she might be carrying twins — she "reportedly" used IVF to get pregnant. Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux are "preparing" for their first child and "on the verge of parenthood." She quit smoking and eased up on the amount of yoga she does every week — downgrading from 10 hours to 3 hours. Lastly, the same magazine that has claimed they were married over and over again now claims Robert Pattinson is "ready" to propose to Kristen Stewart. Just in time for the movie premiere.
Grade: F (shit stain)


This Week In Tabloids: Poor Kim Had To Get Married For Advertisers' SakeS

Life & Style
"Why I Left Him."
This nice, posed, close-up photograph and first-person quote are intended to trick you into thinking that the editors scored an exclusive interview with Kim Kardashian, but they did not. Repeat: There is no exclusive interview with Kim. There are some quotes in the article, but they are couched in such a way that Kim cannot sue and say that she didn't utter the words, and, at the same time, no one can prove that she did:

"I moved too fast — I really thought he was the one, an exasperated Kim confided to Jonathan [Cheban] at the Midori-sponsored party in NYC, according to an eyewitess. "It's just not working. I feel sick to my stomach. But there's nothing else I can do. It's over."

See? The quote is overheard, and the words were intended for someone else, so if Kim didn't say that, well, it's not the magazine's fault! Anyway, apparently Kris Humprhries feels like the guy who got married to Kim on TV, not really her husband. He feels used, and he wants the 20 carat ring back. Also, Kourtney & Kim Take New York returns to E! on November 27, and a source says "Everything will be explained this season." Great. Never enough Kardashian stuff. Keep it koming. The only other story worth mentioning in this issue is "Cameron's Revenge Romance," in which we learn that she is banging Diddy. They were spotted walking through the crisp fall air in Washington Square Park last week and "it's early and not exclusive," but Cammie D will do what she has to for dick Diddy has one. A source says Diddy is Cam's "ol' reliable," and she turns to him between relationships: "Diddy is someone Cam can have fun with, no ties at all." Also, he's a Scorpio, and you know what that means.
Grade: D (blood stain)


This Week In Tabloids: Poor Kim Had To Get Married For Advertisers' SakeS

In Touch
"Demi Cheating With Ashton's Best Friend!"
Okay, apparently 48-year-old Demi Moore has been hooking up with 27-year-old Ben Hollingsworth. He was a "struggling wannabe" when they met and totally starstruck when Demi took an interest in him — helping him find an apartment and introducing him to her hubby. Ben appeared on a CW series that Ashton produced and Ben and his pals would party at Mrs. Kutcher's, smoking weed and acting silly. Then. One day. Demi picked Ben up after he'd been partying "and unleashed her inner cougar." They had sex in the back of a car. They continued to see each other for a while, until Ben felt guilty and called the whole thing off. "Demi was forced to crawl back to Ashton and suffer through the wild 'swinging' lifestyle she'd adopted in order to keep him from ditching her for younger women." Sigh. Of course when a lady unleashes her sex drive she must end up miserable and punished! Let's move on. Bradley Cooper's mom does not like Jennifer Lopez as a love match for her son: She thinks JLo is too much of a diva. What gave it away? John Mayer has "gone downhill" since he dated Jennifer Aniston, specifically from "handsome" to "hobo." (See Fig. 1) The cover teases, "Pics of Jen's nursery," but what you actually get are photographs of the 3 bedroom apartment on Gramercy Park that Aniston recently purchased but does not yet live in. So these nurseries, while lovely, were decorated for some other family. That doesn't keep the editors from writing captions like, "Jen can whip up homemade baby food in this gourmet kitchen." And "Jen might make over the girlie bedroom." Or those other tenants MIGHT take their furniture with them. Jessica's "wedding dress meltdown" has to do with the fact that she is pregnant and didn't like the way her belly looked in the dress. Will the wedding scheduled for 11/11/11 happen? Kim Kardashian and her fam are worth almost $500 million, hence the "$500 million divorce." But Kris signed a pre-nup. Oh, and Kim and Reggie Bush have been talking and texting a lot lately, and Kim is still in love with him. But it was Kris who put his foot down when producers urged the couple to have a baby. That's when Kim filed for divorce. "She didn't want people to think she was dumped." Last, but not least: Rachel Zoe's baby has an $80,000 wardrobe: $1,400 Hermès blanket, $914 crib, $1,160 Gucci jacket, $4,700 shoe collection, etc. Little Skyler is the one percent!
Grade: C+ (sweat stain)


This Week In Tabloids: Poor Kim Had To Get Married For Advertisers' SakeS

Us
"My Big Mistake."
Again: Posed photo, headline written in the first person. And yet! No exclusive interview with Kim. That said, there's a lot of info here, and the article claims that Kim presented Kris with an ultimatum: Work yourself to the bone like a Kardashian or else! Kris was like, whatever, and skipped Kim's planned Halloween appearance. So Kim filed papers. Sources explain that Kim is in love with love but knew something was wrong before the wedding. "It felt wrong," says a friend. Days before the ceremony she did not want to go through with it. But like a Wu Tang song, cash rules everything around her, and Kim knew that ads had already been sold for the televised $10 million wedding, so "she felt like she couldn't turn back." She had her mind on her money and her money on her mind. Now Kim is "hurt, pissed and embarrased" but plans to keep her $2 million ring. Next: On-again off-again couple Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell are off. They're in a rocky place since Simon's X-Factor is competing with American Idol and an insider says "it's really bitter between the camps." Sandra Bullock's 22-month-old baby, Louis, has a $14,000 Andy Warhol print hanging in his nursery, a gift from her agents. Jessica Simpson is "thrilled" to be expecting a little one, and says she and her fiancé "can't wait to meet our baby." A pal calls the pregnancy "a happy surprise." As in: Not IVF? Finally: Demi Moore "can't let go" of Ashton Kutcher because dudes age and get more bankable and end up on the most popular show in America but when women get older they're just old ladies.
Grade: B- (grease stain)


This Week In Tabloids: Poor Kim Had To Get Married For Advertisers' SakeS

Star
"Justin Bieber Is The Father Of My Baby!"
Mariah Yeater, 20, claims that on October 25 of last year, she went to a Justin Bieber show at L.A.'s Staples Center. She was near the front row at the concert. A security guard asked her if she wanted to meet Bieber backstage, and she said yes. One thing lead to another and they found themselves in a bathroom, where The Bieb's personality "changed drastically."

He began touching me and repeatedly said he wanted to fuck the shit of of me. At that time I asked him to put on a condom for protection, but he insisted that he did not want to. In his own words, he said that because it was his first time, he wanted to feel everything.

Barf. But okay. How was the sex? "Brief, lasting only approximately 30 seconds." And! "He immediately put on his clothes and blew me off when I asked about seeing him again." Oh, honey. Anyway. the paternity suit states that Mariah believes that Justin is the father of her baby, who was born on July 6. Will the Biebs take the test? Let's move on. J-Woww is on the Knifesyles page, because her face is full of fillers or something. (See Fig. 2) Madonna doesn't have friends anymore. She got a little too flirty with Chris Martin, and Gwyneth dumped her, and then all the others — Stella McCarthey, Beyoncé, Jay-Z, Kate Hudson, FERGIE — followed suit, because Gwyneth knows best, obvs. Did Andrew Garfield cheat on Emma Stone with Rashida Jones? AG and RJ had dinner together, and there was "serious flirting" going on. Kim Kardashian is "single and pregnant." Well, she's "showing a lot of the signs of being pregnant," which is not the same thing, but a minor detail! These signs are: Not drinking, and looking like she is hiding her tummy. Also? Star editors want you to know that they called bullshit on the wedding from the start, when they reported that the wedding cake had been thrown into the trash (See Fig. 3). Star: Proud of garbage! In J'Anthrax news, Justin Theroux's ex is allegedly considering legal action against him — they were not married, but they did live together for 14 years, which is common-law partnership in many states. And IF she does and IF the case goes to court, Jen COULD take the stand. Maybe. "Can You Believe They Dated?" reminds us that Sandra Bullock shagged Ryan Gosling in the early aughts, in case you forgot about that. (See Fig. 4) Here's a blind item: "Which high-profile — and blond — couple will be the next to announce a split? He's an older, accomplished actor, while she's young and less experienced. The pair shocked Tinseltown with their secret marriage just two years ago." Finally, friends, we have to talk about Lindsay's Playboy shoot, to which she showed up "disheveled and super out of it," according to an insider, and said stuff that made no sense. She was dragging and slow, and didn't take or understand direction well. (Is there more than "take off your clothes"?!) Also, she had a bad attitude and "acted like she was doing everyone a favor by being there." Surliest nekkid shoot ever? Looking forward to it.
Grade: B (semen residue)


Addendum

This Week In Tabloids: Poor Kim Had To Get Married For Advertisers' SakeS

Fig. 1, from In Touch

This Week In Tabloids: Poor Kim Had To Get Married For Advertisers' SakeS

Fig. 2, from Star

This Week In Tabloids: Poor Kim Had To Get Married For Advertisers' Sake

Fig. 3, from Star

This Week In Tabloids: Poor Kim Had To Get Married For Advertisers' SakeS

Fig. 4, from Star