If you're a celebrity who'd like to make it known that your marriage is ending with as little fuss as possible, you should already be on the phone with someone from Us Weekly. Zooey Deschanel and Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard announced today that they've split after two years of marriage. As hipsters don't celebrate their unions by donning three vintage wedding gowns and toasting each other with Pabst on the cover of Vice, news of their divorce will likely be overshadowed by a certain other celebrity split. A source says their break up was "mutual and amicable ... There was no third party involved." [Us]
On to the split we as Americans are contractually obligated to care about. Today Kim Kardashian said she was shocked and hurt that people would think she got married due to her love of famewhoring. She writes, "First and foremost, I married for love. I can't believe I even have to defend this. I would not have spent so much time on something just for a TV show!" She insists that she didn't make any money from the wedding (so the TV special was a bit of pro bono work to help E! employees struggling through the recession?) and adds:
Everyone that knows me knows that I'm a hopeless romantic! I love with all of my heart and soul. I want a family and babies and a real life so badly that maybe I rushed in to something too soon. I believed in love and the dream of what I wanted so badly. I felt like I was on a fast roller coaster and couldn't get off when now I know I probably should have. I got caught up with the hoopla and the filming of the TV show that when I probably should have ended my relationship, I didn't know how to and didn't want to disappoint a lot of people ... It just didn't turn out to be the fairy tale I had so badly hoped for.
- The folks at E! are also highly offended that you think their crappy reality programming isn't 100% real. The network issued this statement:
"Any insinuation that E! and producers orchestrated Kim's wedding is completely false. The Kardashians have authentically lived their lives on camera for a long time and Kim's wedding is one of the many real-life events that the family has shared with viewers, from Mason's birth to coping with their father's death to Khloé and Lamar's wedding."
- Kim filed for divorce exactly one year after she first met Kris Humphries. [TMZ]
- Bruce Jenner is clearly devestated that he's losing a son-in-law because he sounded slightly less perky than usual when chatting with the photographers of Occupy Kardashian's Driveway. [TMZ]
As part of Lindsay Lohan's efforts to convince the court that she's super serious about her morgue duties, she spent Halloween partying in a cemetery while wearing a sexy nurse outfit. [TMZ]
Jimmy Kimmel has been chosen to host the White House Correspondents' Association dinner next April, so that's happening. Kimmel's okay, but were Jon Stewart and Conan O'Brien busy? What? They've hosted already? Ah, okay then. [CNN]
- We interrupt this Dirt Bag to bring you some sad stuff: Ricky Pempengco, Charice's estranged father, was stabbed to death in the Philippines yesterday. The Glee guest star Tweeted, "I loved him and I will still love him. He's still my dad after all." [UPI]
- Amanda Knox is learning Krav Maga. Bigger story: What did this paparazzo do to Harvey Levin to get assigned to filming Amanda Knox exercising rather than Lindsay Lohan engaging in her usual monkeyshines? [TMZ]
- It pains me to say this, but Pregnancé's Halloween getup was not the greatest bumble bee costume of all time. [Us]
- The Toddlers & Tiaras mom who dressed her daughter up in a Pretty Woman must really be out of costume ideas because the girl's Halloween outfit doesn't even make sense. Pantslessness and an ugly hat from the '90s does not a "biker chick" make. [TMZ]
- Chelsea Handler is confused about female grooming, and apparently I'm not up to date on the hot trends in pubes. She says, "First it was laser hair removal. You put yourself through that torture, and then it's, 'Sorry, laser hair removal's out of style!' And you're like, 'What?' So I'm not going to be tricked into this other thing ... I might put a Crest Whitestrip up there, but I will not go and bleach it." [Us]
- Jessica Simpson is chatting about — what else? — her weight in the latest issue of Lucky. She says, "Everybody fluctuates, but I'm open about my weight and I'm still confident ... I didn't cry about it too much." It's unclear what that quote means — she's okay with putting on pounds in order to grow a new human? Okay, glad she's not crying about it. Jess adds, "I got so much scrutiny for putting on extra pounds, but I think that the decision not to make myself anorexic was actually great for branding ... Because when you're really, really skinny, not everybody can relate to you." [Us]