Just Because It's A Fashion Event Doesn't Mean Celebs Are Going To Dress Well

The fashion industry's big guns came out last night for Fashion Group International's 28th Annual Night Of Stars. Riddle me this: why do fashion industry events tend to turn out the most tragic of fashion victims? Warning: These missteps are making me a little cranky.

Just Because It's A Fashion Event Doesn't Mean Celebs Are Going To Dress Well

Jessica Biel is having her princess moment. This is a dress that any five-year-old girly girl would love to wear, and also, apparently, twenty-nine year old women who date Justin Timberlake. The sleeves on this thing were made for the tunic of a Disney prince, or for someone to rest their head on.

Just Because It's A Fashion Event Doesn't Mean Celebs Are Going To Dress Well

From princess to mad scientist, that's how the fashion big guns run. Or something. I had a friend once say, semi-jokingly, "I want to eat an avant-garde sandwich onstage," which begs the question, where do we draw the line between avant-garde and—do I have to say it—dumb shit? I wanna be generous, but I'm leaning toward "I don't get it, this looks dumb," rather than "I don't get it, this must be genius!" The top of Daphne Guinness's gown looks like your standard ugly 80's sweater. Her rings are just way bedazzled versions of the rings that have been trendy for several seasons now—e.g. armor rings, rings with the evil eye or other appropriated "tribal" elements. Plus, she's wearing a hearing aid made entirely out of diamonds. Dumb.

Just Because It's A Fashion Event Doesn't Mean Celebs Are Going To Dress Well

Well, that's just a button-up shirt with weird sleeve lengths and a drab, wrinkly skirt in poo-poo brown, isn't it Leelee Sobieski? I don't love Amanda Hearst's dress, especially the halter top. Why wear something so loose if you're just going to cinch it at the waist anyway? I also can't stand slits in dresses that go right up the middle to expose the fleshy world of inner thighs. I feel like a side slit is always a better idea, or a shorter slit in the back. Anyway, navy and silver look good on Amanda Hearst, so big ups there. Could Dylan Lauren's belt be any more useless-looking? This is a dress I can see J-Woww rocking now that she's classed up her act. Which is to say, the dress is still fug.

Just Because It's A Fashion Event Doesn't Mean Celebs Are Going To Dress Well

Isabella Rossellini, you mythical creature, you. Your shiny, wrinkly satin coat against that shiny red wall and the shiny red carpet are forcing me to say bad things about you when I only want to praise you. You're wearing a sad (but shiny) sack. The bag is cool. So you are.

Just Because It's A Fashion Event Doesn't Mean Celebs Are Going To Dress Well

Ugh. That bag makes me feel stabby. Her dude, David Lauren, looks like he's about to host an awards show on cable TV. So that's what Oscar de la Renta looks like—someone who goes yachting off the coast of Tuscany every summer and gets a killer tan. The woman next to him is unidentified but I will identify her as the woman in a tragic polka dot dress. Frederic Fekkai's tie is droopy, and I don't know enough about wearing bowties to know if that's something that can be prevented or not. The neckline of Shirin Von Wullfen's dress is becoming a "thing," which sucks because I hate how it looks and manages to ruin otherwise perfectly good dresses. Not that Shirin Von Wullfen's dress was otherwise perfectly good.

Just Because It's A Fashion Event Doesn't Mean Celebs Are Going To Dress Well

Finally, some stuff I like! The Ferragamos look very handsome and classy. Chiara Ferragamo's ruffled high neckline is striking and her earrings are fabulous. Wonder if she's wearing Ferragamos under her dress. Model Ginta Lapina's black lace dress is my dream dress—delicate lace, long sleeves, sheerness, cinched waist, and a high neckline. Francois Nars looks good. I like his shiny lapels. Designer Giambattista Valli and Lee Radziwill complement each other wonderfully. He's sleek. She's nubby and furry.

Just Because It's A Fashion Event Doesn't Mean Celebs Are Going To Dress Well

Love love love Anna Sui's doctor bag. I'm not personally a fan of furry, black-and-white stoles, but it actually kind of works with Sui's witchy, rundown vibes. Even if Glenda Bailey's outfit is not to your tastes, the gal has definitely committed to a look. I love the print on her dress and the furry short jacket she paired with it.

Just Because It's A Fashion Event Doesn't Mean Celebs Are Going To Dress Well

So totally not my bag, and yet I find myself drawn to this dress. The fit and drape are incredible, and I even like the sparkliness. I definitely could have done with the extra bling in her hair. It's overkill. Byrdie Bell is in a tuxedo onesie! Well, not exactly, but I love the lapel detail, the plunging neckline, and the slinky yet structured feel to this jumpsuit. Cute ass bag, too.

Just Because It's A Fashion Event Doesn't Mean Celebs Are Going To Dress Well

I always assume people as talented and brilliant as the Mulleavy sisters spend their creative wad on their designs and end up having none left for themselves when they get dressed. That said, the sisters looked really pretty last night. Blue velvet is the bomb diggity, but not with white slacks and a green tie. Brown velvet is the bomb diggity, but usually not when it's sloppily buttoned over a bright mustard shirt. Oh snap, I just trash talked furniture designer Jonathan Adler, and Simon Doonon, Creative Ambassador-at-Large at Barney's. I'm not going to trash talk Brendan Hoffman and Amar'e Stoudemire, although one of them probably needs to give an inch of his pants to the other one.