Jennifer Aniston: I'm Not Engaged Or Pregnant, I Just Gained Weight

So, it's come to this: Jennifer Aniston is now forced to update the world on the status of her relationship and contents of her uterus and every public appearance. At a press conference today she declared, "Rumor number one: I am not planning to get married any time soon ... And rumor Number two: no, we're not pregnant ... It's just I quit smoking, so I've gained a couple of pounds." Aniston adds, "I've been married once, and I don't know if I'll get married again ... But I can tell you that as of this very moment, I have no plan to get married. Got that?" Usually tabloid editors would be scrambling to swap out their "Jen's Baby Dreams Come True!" headlines right now, but this week they're probably going with a story about how Jen directed the short film Five because she's always copying Angelina Jolie. [People]

Jennifer Aniston: I'm Not Engaged Or Pregnant, I Just Gained Weight

Sony is turning the new Steve Jobs biography into a movie and they want Aaron Sorkin to write it, despite the fact that he already chronicled the life of one Silicon Valley celebrity. Plus, it will be pretty hard to improve on the highly-enjoyable Noah Wyle TV movie about the life of Jobs. [LAT]

Jennifer Aniston: I'm Not Engaged Or Pregnant, I Just Gained Weight

Dina Lohan engaged in more perfectly normal mom behavior today, confirming that Lindsay Lohan posed for Playboy and "the photo shoot went well." [People]
Speaking of Lindsay's horrible parents, Dr. Drew weighed in on Michael Lohan's domestic violence arrest, saying, "At the time of his discharge, Bob Forrest and I both told him that he would end up in jail again ... Mike's been doing okay. He's working, he's trying to do better but this is really a back slide to a complete reversion to his old behaviors. This is what he and Kate do routinely. This is the pattern they're in. Unless they both go get treatment, this isn't going to change!" [Radar]

Jennifer Aniston: I'm Not Engaged Or Pregnant, I Just Gained Weight

Jessica Simpson Tweeted a photo of her feet dangling above the ground as she sits on the toilet at Bergdorf Goodman with the caption "short girl problems." That also doubles as a rich girl problem. [Us]
This photo of Jess in a skintight shirt is presented without comment. [Radar]

  • Today in news that's painful to even hear about, Steven Tyler took a "nasty fall" in a hotel shower and knocked out a few of his teeth. [TMZ]
  • Rachel Lee of the so-called "Bling Ring" has been sentenced to four years in prison for breaking into Audrina Patridge's home and stealing $25,000 worth of her luggage, jewelry, clothing, and shoes (yes, it's okay to cry about the fact that Audrina has $25K worth of designer crap to steal and you're still toiling away in a cubicle). [AP]
  • E!, which refuses to stop using the non-word "relaysh," is extremely concerned about Jennifer Lopez dating Bradley Cooper because he's a "heart breaker" despite the fact that he dated Renee Zellweger for quite a long time. Anyway, when they asked some anonymous friend about the relationship, the "chum" said, "Are you kidding? Anybody would be an improvement after [Marc Anthony]. He did not treat her well." [E!]
  • Robin Williams and new wife Susan Schneider were spotted making out while on their honeymoon in Paris, which to be expected when one is honeymooning in Paris, yes? [TMZ]
  • Newlyweds Tony Romo and Candice Crawford are expecting. Who wants to bet that there will be a story in Midweek Madness tomorrow about how they're in a baby race with Jessica Simpson? [Radar]
  • Shocker: Tara Reid's day-long engagement and subsequent marriage to a guy who's name her rep didn't know wasn't legally binding. [E!]
  • Access Hollywood is billing this clip as the honeymoon scene from Breaking Dawn, but all we see is Bella and her SparkleVamp stare at each other next to a bed. [AH]
  • Retired 60 Minutes curmudgeon Andy Rooney is in the hospital after developing serious complications from a minor surgery. [AP]
  • The Shakespeare Birthplace Trust has covered the author's name in several spots around Stratford-upon-Avon to protest the movie Anonymous, which is the equivalent of a film about how the moon landing was a hoax for literature nerds. [Telegraph, NYT]