A-List Narcissism Is Quite Compatible With Sartorial Elegance

Hollywood needs more reasons to celebrate itself. Just kidding, it doesn't. Nevertheless, last night the stars put on their Monday's finest and walked the red carpet at the 5th Annual Hollywood Film Awards Gala. Who cares who won — how'd they look?

A-List Narcissism Is Quite Compatible With Sartorial Elegance

Emma Stone, you little minx, you. This pintucked ivory dress is very pretty on her and the loose shape gives the dress a bit of a 1920's art deco feel. The clunky bow-wrapped shoes balance out the delicateness of the dress. Her hair and emerald accessories are perfect. Get it, girl.

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A-List Narcissism Is Quite Compatible With Sartorial Elegance

There are a lot of design elements going on with Michelle Williams' dress. There's the cut-out back, the tinsel frippery along the bust, the layers of fabric of the skirt, the sheerness at the bottom, and the train at the back. I like the frippery and the sheerness and the train and the layers, but could have probably done without the cut-outs. Her bracelet reminds me of the coils of dirt on the sidewalk that I used to poke at with a stick when I was a kid. That said, I like it.

A-List Narcissism Is Quite Compatible With Sartorial Elegance

Carey Mulligan has the best dimples. The neckline of her dress is really sweet, and I especially like those strangely placed sheer straps. The dress is gorgeous on her, but those ruffly saddle bags have got to go. The 90's Jason Priestly hair, however, can stay!

A-List Narcissism Is Quite Compatible With Sartorial Elegance

Elle Fanning is 13-years-old. Her dress is 100-years-old (not literally). But Elle is adorable and I love the antique details on her dress. Also, how cute are she and Amber Heard?

A-List Narcissism Is Quite Compatible With Sartorial Elegance

Also, on the subject of Amber Heard, it's like she can only do bombshell poses on the red carpet. The droopiness of the top is only partially rescued by the skirt, which is mostly glamorous — but with a touch of sloppy. Nice back detail on the top and ugh on the butt zipper. Andrea Riseborough can really pull off the whole English rose on her way to a late afternoon lawn party thing. Gorgeous.

A-List Narcissism Is Quite Compatible With Sartorial Elegance

Felicity Jones's taupey pink dress has the right amount of fairy princess sparkles for the child in me that still dictates my clothing preferences. Ahna O'Reilly is kind of one color, and maybe I just can't get past her slamming legs, but I think the dress looks sassy on her. Anne Hathaway's dress is perplexing. The print looks like the kind of thing you'd find on origami paper, and I see the tiniest suggestion of a boob window. Still, it's graphic and cute on her. Maybe even cuter if she had ditched the beach hair.

A-List Narcissism Is Quite Compatible With Sartorial Elegance

The top on Genevieve Farrell's dress reminds me of the sweet beaded vests Polish folk dancers wear. That's a compliment, by the way. Julianne Hough's dress is better from the back than it is from the front. I know I just okayed Ahna O'Reilly looking all one color, but I'm creeped out by how perfectly Julianne Hough's tan skin and blond hair matches the tan and gold of her dress.

A-List Narcissism Is Quite Compatible With Sartorial Elegance

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is the opposite of Julianne Hough's dress because it looks a little tacky from the back and really striking from the front. I'm loving the hell out the mad beading and the demure neckline. Gosh, I don't think I could love Penelope Ann Miller's dress from the front or the back.

A-List Narcissism Is Quite Compatible With Sartorial Elegance

Glenn Close is a goddess. Busy Phillips is looking very 90's Sharon Stone, and if you look closely at the front of Octavia Spencer's dress, you'll see it's actually a feather duster, which is convenient if you want to walk around trapping dust with your boobs.

A-List Narcissism Is Quite Compatible With Sartorial Elegance

Sara Rue, Viola Davis, Rachel Boston are all wearing crayola color dresses. Sara Rue's dress is way high school prom. Love the off-shoulder detail on Viola Davis' dress but the color is just not sophisticated. Props to her husband for rocking a white cardigan on the red carpet. Rachel Boston looks like she's wearing a nylon bedroom slip from the 70's.

A-List Narcissism Is Quite Compatible With Sartorial Elegance

Oy, more crayola color palettes. Not feeling Stacy Keibler's minidress-under-a-sheer-skirt dress, and honestly, I'm never feeling Mr. Clooney. Deena Dill, Rene Ashton, Missi Pyle are giving good lean and good face, but those are some ugly dresses. Except for Missi's black dress. It's kind of minimalist and dramatic. Now I'm going to judge a pregnant woman's clothing choices! Just kidding. Bryce Dallas Howard, I wish you a safe and painless birth!

A-List Narcissism Is Quite Compatible With Sartorial Elegance

Man, these basic black dresses are a snooze, so instead I will say one nice thing about each person that has nothing to do with how boring these dresses are. Mary Steenburgen: you have very nice hair! Lea Thompson: hello! I also have trouble figuring out what to do with my hands when being photographed for a high-profile event. (Just kidding, I always know what to do with my hands and I'm never photographed for a high-profile event.) Shailene Woodley: is your purse made from a feedsack? If so, how cool!

A-List Narcissism Is Quite Compatible With Sartorial Elegance

I really hope Nancy O'Dell's one-shouldered Vegas dress isn't a one-shouldered, PADDED Vegas dress. Nancy's sparkles look cheap, but Allison Janney and Diablo Cody's dresses look like pure liquid metal.

A-List Narcissism Is Quite Compatible With Sartorial Elegance

How come Joseph Gordon-Levitt always has a bemused expression on his face? His gunmetal three-piece suit and white tie strike a good balance between flashiness and classiness. Oh god, Draco Malfoy is so friggin' hot. Um, I mean Tom Felton looks very rugged and handsome in that gingham shirt. (Draco, where is your pal, Ron Weasley?) Kenny Wormald looks like a goofball next to Draco. Plus he was in the remake of Footloose. Nothing more needs to be said.