Sad Sacks Rejoice as McDonald's Launches In-Restaurant TV Channel

America is suffering from a current lack of screens on every possible fucking surface, says no one. So it's no surprise that McDonalds is getting in on the action by launching its own in-restaurant TV channel, so its patrons taking comfort in their sandwiches made of chemicals designed to approximate meat and contemplate how much further they'd have to fall in order to hit rock bottom.

The Los Angeles Times reports that the restaurant chain plans on rolling out (for those of you playing Business Jargon Bingo at home, please fill in your "Roll(ing/ed) Out" square) the channel at 800 California locations over the next few months.

Programming will be designed by reality TV honcho Mark Burnett, BBC America, and a local news network, but it won't follow a traditional TV format, because even though we love looking at screens, we cannot be bothered to look at the same screen for more than a few minutes or so without risking lost interest due to our eroded attention spans and spiritual ennui. Rather, programming on the McDonald's Channel will cycle through 20 to 22 minute "pods" clustered in one hour long increments. Topics covered include local high school athletes, profiles busy local moms who probably start every sentence with "As a mother...", music, and entertainment. Eight minutes of advertising will play per hour on McDTV, with one minute of advertising devoted to McDonald's. It's the intellectual equivalent feeding your brain a Cinnabon while you feed your face a Big Mac!

Restaurants participating in the venture, which is not the plot of the last unpublished David Foster Wallace short story, will post extra large 42X46 inch screens in eating areas. They'll be visible to 70% of diners at any given time, and sound from the programming will be piped through a speaker system. Party poopers who don't care to watch TV will be allowed to sit in a designated quiet area.

Analysts project that the channel will reach 18 to 20 million people per day once it's at the height of its powers, because Americans still go to McDonald's in droves and sit there absently dragging our salty burned fry remnants through the paper ketchup cups trying to mentally fill the rest of the day with productivity and wondering where it all went wrong. Since we're all unemployed, poor, and low in spirit, McDonalds is just about the best we can do right now, okay, Mr. Moneybags McJudgepants?!

McDonald's will launch in-store TV channel [LAT]