In this age of online sleuthery, everyone's got a horror story about using the internet in uncovering how some guy they were dating lied and said he was a doctor when he was really a nurse, or said he was single when he was really married, or insisted he was a professional athlete when he was really Raffi. A class being offered in New York City promises to accelerate the ongoing investigation of the background of every man in America, giving women the tools, confidence, and unrelenting suspicion and paranoia they need in order to successfully terrify themselves out of any relationship. But we don't think the class goes far enough.
Sure, the class suggests women vet their dates by calling their alleged alma mater's alumni relations office and telling them that you're trying to get in touch with an old classmate. It also suggests double checking claims of bilinguality by tricking him into a three way call with someone who speaks another language.
A truly dedicated snoop would go much further than checking court records for 10 year old underage drinking arrests or scanning old vacation pictures for ex girlfriends and then confronting him about it. If you really want to know the truth, you have to go for the jugular of any potential lie that he has ever told. Try these not-for-the-faint-of-heart tips to make sure he's double extra super not lying, if you can stomach it.
- Put a tiny webcam on his dog's collar. Dog collars are absurd, and men are oblivious, so your manfriend won't notice an extra bauble on Fido's neck bling. Dogs are also the perverts of the domesticated animal world and love watching their humans have sex. If he's messing around on you, a dog collar camera is the way to go. Pretty sure you can get them from Skymall.
- Break into his house when he's not home. Put truth serum in all of the liquids in his fridge. Make sure you're around when he drinks something from his fridge. And, uh, don't drink from there yourself, or you'll end up telling him that he's consumed truth serum and the gig's up.
- Hire your sexiest friend to hit on him and trying to trick him into cheating on you. In an unforeseeable plot twist, your boyfriend's best friend and your sexy decoy friend fall in love while he thinks that she's hitting on your boyfriend. You will be played by Ginnifer Goodwin in this scenario.
- Uncover his family's heritage using the internet and plan a romantic vacation to his family's ancestral town without telling him of your investigation. When you're there, scour the streets for a guy who looks like an older version of your boyfriend and see if he's grown any additional chins. If he has, your boyfriend will also probably have chin-growth in his future, and if you're the kind of superficial person who cares about that kind of thing, you'll want to break up with him while he's still good looking.
- Using the Freedom of Information Act, request copies of his ex-girlfriends' medical records. If the hospital won't comply with your request, impersonate his ex girlfriends and request them yourself.
- Rob the bank where he does his checking, and make sure none of the money has lipstick or long blonde hairs on it. If you find either, assume it's because he is secretly married.
- Use a blacklight on all of his belongings to make sure he doesn't have an internet porn addiction. You'll be able to tell if he's been ejaculating by his computer if the entire thing glows under blacklight.
- Start a fake Facebook account and with it, friend all of his friends so you can see everyone's profile. Use your fake Facebook account to hit on your boyfriend. Here's a suggested flirty message: "We have so many friends in common! I can't believe I've never run into you! I'm sure I'd remember you ;)" When sending facetious flirtation over the internet, don't forget to punctuate every sentence with an exclamation point and include only the horniest emoticons. Don't tell him it's you who set up the profile.
- Buy your own hot air balloon and secretly follow him to work in it. Hover above his place of business to make sure he isn't sneaking around. Even though hot air balloons are the clowns of the sky (they're colorful, scary, and no one likes them, but here we are in 2011 and hot air balloons/clowns are still A Thing), this will give you a bird's eye view of just how far your obsession has gone.
- If you're suspicious of any female friends, find out what they're allergic to and cover your manfriend's coat with a fine dust of the allergen every day. This will ensure the friend breaks out in hives and momentarily becomes so swollen that your boyfriend couldn't possibly cheat on you.
- Call his kindergarten teacher and ask her if the man ever pooped his pants during school. If the answer is yes, he's probably a serial killer.
- Utilize GPS trackers on whatever belongings of his you can. Get creative. Try his shoes, his car, and especially his underwear. If he doesn't wear underwear, you shouldn't be dating him in the first place, because men who routinely don't wear underwear are a special kind of depraved. Trust me on this one.
Stalk Tips [NYM]
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