Michelle Obama Visits Secret Service Headquarters, Leaves Terrified

First Lady Michelle Obama recently visited the place where the First Family's Secret Service sausage is made and has left stricken by terror but overflowing with gratitude. Gratiterror? Territude? Either way, her emotions around the visit were complex.

Her tour led her through the various internal controls and commands and ultra sophisticated Goonies-style Rube Goldberg machines of the operation, giving her a glimpse of how her family is protected and just how much work goes into making sure they're all safe.

She then thanked a room packed full of agents, joking around about how their constant presence among the Obama family has led to their developing particular affinities for particular individuals. Politico reports,

Obama said her youngest daughter, Sasha, will tell her sister Malia, "You took Scott!" And sometimes Malia, who apparently has grown close to the same agent, will say "You took Scott? That's not fair!"

Mark Sullivan, director of the Secret Service, appeared onstage with Obama and thanked her for her family's kindness.

But it wasn't all sunshine and daisies and hugs. Quoth the First Lady,

All I can say is, after my little tour, is ignorance is bliss. I just - I just don't want to know. You all can handle that. Just tell me when - where to run.

According to a Secret Service spokesperson, First Ladies rarely visit Secret Service headquarters. According to my overwatching of the Bourne Identity trilogy, that's probably because most American First Ladies of the recent past have been secret Russian spies with Krav Maga training.

Michelle Obama tells secret service: "Just tell me... where to run." [Politico]