Last night, Sarah Palin surprised nobody when she announced that she's not running for President. With her bright shiny star fading and Michele Bachmann tied up in the Republican Presidential primary, it will probably be awhile before it's clear who will fill the upcoming Scary But Engrossing Republican Lady Vacuum Sarah's leaving in her wake. But why should we have to wait?

We thought it might be a good idea to speed up the process by putting female Tea Party favorites through the same vigorous vetting process John McCain used on Sarah Palin in 2008 and what the conservative establishment seems to use on all Republican women; one that judges women by looks, talent, ability to hold a gun, disdain for fancy elites with higher education, Mama Grizzliness, and willingness to say whatever it takes to whip Tea Partiers into a star-spangled frenzy.

So, without further ado, your future Fox News soundbytes, all competing for the space Palin seems on the cusp of vacating. Who will come out on top is up to you.

Now, let's crown the next Miss Real America.