This week, Dancing With The Stars turned into Depressing With The Stars when the contestants were taked with identifying their "most memorable year" and then to act out all of the emotions associated with that year out on the dance floor. Surprise — almost every one of those "memorable" years led to a tearful retelling of hitting rock bottom, or as I'd call it, "How I Came To Be On Dancing With The Stars."

In all seriousness, there were some actual sad stories being told in the first-person that we already knew through tabloids and gossip: David Arquette's separation from Courtney Cox, Ricki Lake's divorce, the death of Rob Kardashian's father, and so on. Kristin Cavillari, however, magically forgot the public humiliation of being broken up with after taking glamourous engagement photos that happened just a few months go and opted to happily recall 2005, when she decided to put aside college for a career in entertainment. Also tragic. The show did one good thing, though, in telling the story of J.R. Martinez and how he sustained his injuries while fighting in Iraq. Now that we know that J.R. is a hero most-worthy of winning, can we just give him the stupid Mirrorball Trophy and call the rest of the season off?