Patti, Patti, Patti… Oy vey ismir. You are to dating and relationships what Sarah Silverman is to comedy. By nature of your personality alone, you force us to choose: We either love you or we (really) don't. And, Patti, I love you. Really, I do. In spite of your overzealous relationship with the flat iron, I think you're interesting. And while being out there and stoking the fires of controversy as you do is edgy, generalizing about an entire community is like getting drunk on the edge of a cliff: Really fucking stupid.
In a culture of media spin that leaves one dizzy, your ferocity and fearlessness is refreshing. Even though I disagree with many things you say, I like that you aren't afraid to tell it as you see it. And I know others have agreed with me. (Because let's be real: You sure didn't skyrocket to fame on your charm.)
But your remarks about philandering gays and lying Jewish men on Watch What Happens Live? A shanda for the Goyim, Patti.(Or, in plain English, "way to make Our People look bad, Patti.") And poor Andy Cohen. Poor guy almost plotzed. He got hit by a one-two sucker punch when you bashed the gay community and the Jewish community all during the same airtime. And yet, you kept right on going. I could practically hear the sound of shovel on dirt while you dug your own grave.
Come on, Patti. You're not stupid. You wouldn't have made it this far if you were.
Maybe you think because you're Jewish you're allowed to say these things, kind of like African Americans using the N-word, or something. But this still. doesn't explain why you felt comfortable dissing the gay community -– unless we accept the online chatter as truth and you really are a tray with bad makeup. Har har.
Look, Patti, I've dated enough to know that, yes, Jewish men lie. But so do Christian men. And Muslim men. And Hindu, and Atheist, and Buddhist, and Taoist, and Scientologist and Jain and Pagan and Zoroastrian and Agnostic, and Jedi warrior men. Men lie. Anyone who has hung out with the girls over drinks at the neighborhood bar, or reads Cosmo, knows I speak the truth.
(And newsflash: Women lie, too. Seriously, strap a girl up to a lie detector during a first date, and she'll probably electrocute herself. Just saying.)
And as far as the open relationship vs. monogamy smackdown is concerned, let's be real: Gay, straight, betwixt and between can struggle with the concept of committing to someone exclusively. But stamping one community with a big red stereotype is not OK.
And yes, you tried to apologize for your asinine comments: After some serious soul-searching as your popularity plummeted, and the "cheating gays" and "lying Jews" who write the checks that pay for your hair-straightening treatments ground their teeth and possibly threatened to pull the plug on your contract, you took to Twitter with the following: "Attn male Gays: I support you & my comment on WWHL was to a LA guy who can't find commitment." Patti, that's not good enough. And nowhere do I see a direct apology to the other minority group you bashed: What about Jewish males?
Patti, my tolerance runs a little thin: This is not your first (pedicured) foot-meets-mouth moment. Just last week for example, you told the women of New York City to "dumb it down" a little if they wanted to land a guy.
Very klassy, Patti.
Wait! Come to think of it, perhaps your idiotic remarks are actually your way of leading by example! Now that you're back on the market again after dumping your (presumably lying) Jewish fiancé, maybe the little stunt you pulled is meant to highlight the effectiveness of "dumbing it down."
And how is that working out for you?
You like to dish out the tough love? That's great. Now, let's see if you can take it:
Patti. Stop making excuses, and do some serious damage control -– something bigger than an apology that took all of ten seconds to type on Twitter.
And then, do something even harder: Shine that freakishly bright halogen light on yourself for a change. After all, it's the Jewish High Holy Days. Do a little heshbon nefesh, look deep into your soul, and ask yourself this: Is it maybe time to be a little kinder? A little gentler?
Your brand is brazen. Your brand is brassy. And while many of us love you for it, maybe it's time to let your guard down, and let us love that softer side, too.