Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, we boldly go through the pages of In Touch, Star, OK!, Life & Style, and Us, as part of our continuing mission to seek out actual gossip. This week, Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock decide to get married even though they aren't actually dating, twins have taken up residence in Jennifer Aniston's uterus, and Will Smith sees something that makes him cry.
"HOLLYWOOD'S MOST EXTREME DIETS"
Did you know that Gwyneth Paltrow works out with Tracy Anderson, Jennifer Aniston's tried the baby food diet and Beyonce used the Master Cleanse to lose weight for Dreamgirls ... in 2005? We understand that it's August and the editors of OK! wanted to start the weekend early, but the fact that they didn't even bother to make up new diet dirt just hurts. Moving on: The mag has discovered the truth about Brad Pitt's "mystery woman," otherwise known as his assistant. Lara Marsden, a fetching 25-year-old, is constantly by Brad's side — because that's her job. The editors raided her MySpace page and discovered that she bites her nails, declares, "[I] don't read books," and once wrote on a boyfriend's wall, "We've fucked more times than there are drops of water in the sea." Her mother must be so embarrassed ... that she still has a MySpace page. There are photos of Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock hiking together with baby Louis strapped to Ryan's back, and for the tabloids this is irrefutable proof that they're in love. Supposedly Ryan's "telling everyone who will listen that he loves Sandy and her son, Louis, and wants to be a family," but there's one major problem with this story: Unlike the other mags, OK! forgot to crop out the other friends who were on their romantic hike. There's also an absurd sidebar about how Louis is copying Ryan's style, but we love that baby's side-eye, so we're not complaining (See Fig. 1).
Grade: F (Realizing everyone around you is a regular cast member ... and you're wearing a red shirt. )
"JEN'S BABY COUNTDOWN"
This may not be the first time that you've heard Jennifer Aniston has a bun in the oven, but this time there's no denying it's true! Last weekend she didn't drink alcohol at a party for Portia de Rossi and Ellen DeGeneres, friends say she's stopped smoking, and she wore a baggy top two weeks ago. Plus, while on vacation in Hawaii, she often slept in until 10 a.m., so clearly she's suffering from morning sickness. Next: The mag has pictures of Tia Mowry's new baby, Cree Taylor Hardrict, and in a shocking turn of events, he looks like a baby. In other surprising news, during a drunken phone call, Ashlee Simpson called Pete Wentz and told him "how much she misses him and wants him back." Good thing none of us have ever done something so embarrassing.
Grade: D- (Space ship appears to have no bathrooms.)
Life & Style
Now Jennifer Aniston isn't just pregnant — she's expecting twins! Except, once you've purchased the magazine, you'll find that this story is actually about some anonymous insider claiming that Jen wants to get pregnant with twins and has been discussing in vitro with a specialist. A second source says Jen "hasn't colored her hair in months" ... or perhaps she just forgot to touch up her roots before leaving for vacation. Life & Style had a screener of the next episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and provides a summary of the footage that's probably going to be cut due to Russell Armstrong's suicide. In one scene, Taylor tries on lingerie while shopping with friends and says, "Hopefully, Russell will like it." Later, she cries when Lisa's husband makes fun of couples' therapy. She sobs even more while sitting in a (walk-in) closet and Adrienne tells her she's having a nervous breakdown. In other news, Life & Style, which ran a cover story claiming Katie Holmes is "skin and bones" just last month, is now tremendously concerned about body snarking. Earlier this month Reese Witherspoon was photographed on the beach with her family, and "mean commenters" on PopSugar.com "went on the attack." They said she was out of shape, but Witherspoon "proudly flaunted her bikini bod again during a surfing lesson on August 16 and unabashedly tucked into a juicy hamburger the next day." Some suggested Reese was pregnant because her belly was protruding a bit, but the mag says, "having tabloids mistake a normal figure as baby weight can be hurtful — and disappointing. Instead Reese, who isn't pregnant, should be lauded for supporting a health body image." Sounds like someone at Life & Style is experimenting with their emotion chip.
Grade: D (Evil android twin assumes your identity, manages to fool friends again.)
"SANDRA & RYAN GETTING MARRIED!"
Sandra and Ryan "are taking their relationship to the next level," and somehow, even though they aren't officially dating, that next level is marriage. An insider who possesses the ability to read thoughts says that on their sexy hike, "Ryan commented that they were so happy together, they should just go ahead and tie the knot. Ryan is always saying silly things, making Sandra laugh, so she went along with it. But as the day went on, they started thinking about it, and soon the thought of spending their lives together didn't sound all that ridiculous. It sounded wonderful!" Next: Rihanna has a "secret addiction" to chocolate ice cream. What a freak. Star claims Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis have been hooking up, even though it seems fairly obvious that relationship rumors were just cooked up for the Friends With Benefits publicity tour. Now Jessica Biel "feels like such a fool because she thought she and Justin might patch things up." Madonna has come down with a condition known as "boy toy bliss." She's been dating 24-year-old Brahim Zaibat for "nearly a year." That's a rather interesting claim, since she only broke up with Jesus Luz in February. However, the mag focuses on how Brahim gets along with her kids and "treats her like a woman, not a celebrity," rather than this possible battle of the boy toys. Though the cover line "First Look! JEN'S BABY NURSERY" may lead you to believe that Jennifer Aniston has started decorating a nursery for a nonexistent baby, the article is actually about a woman from a West Hollywood boutique where Jen
used to shop picking out hideous items for her potential baby's room. She seems to think Jen will go with a "I got everything in this room from IKEA for under $100" theme. Next: Jamie Foxx's close friend Warren Braithwaite was arrested as part of a huge DEA sting. He's accused of distributing thousands of pounds of marijuana obtained from Mexico, but Foxx isn't under criminal investigation. Russell Brand may be cheating on Katy Perry because according to the blurriest image every published in a magazine, he kissed longtime friend Sadie Turner on the head (see Fig. 2) Finally, Teen Mom Farrah Abraham's ex Daniel Alvarez says she was "demanding and bossy," and has no friends. Another well-placed source reports Farrah is smelly, "thinks she's all that" and was spotted at the mall in "the ugliest effing skirt I've ever seen."
Grade: D+ (Caught in a compromising position on the holodeck. )
"JADA STEALS J.LO'S HUSBAND!"
Though this story seems unlikely, we appreciate the effort that went into linking the summer's two big breakups rather than running a "best and worst beach bodies" feature. Here's some background for those of you have been tuning out these couples for years: Apparently Jada Pinkett Smith and Marc Anthony co-star on HawthoRNe and their characters have quite a lot of sex. Their respective spouses have always said they were fine with this, and they've all been close for years. Now Star claims that for the past few months Will has been living at their Malibu mansion with the kids while Jada has been staying at their spare mansion in Hidden Hills. Earlier this month, he arrived at Jada's home "under the cover of darkness" and "burst inside." It's unclear what he saw, but Marc was there and Will "left the house crying," according to an insider. The next day, Jada moved more things out of the Malibu home and Will fired several staffers because he suspected that they had covered up Jada's affair. The stars' reps deny all of this. Moving on: A friend says Beyonce could be pregnant because she once said she'd like to have a baby at 30 and her birthday is next month. Though the editors won't say Beyonce is pregnant because they wisely fear the wrath of Jay-Z, there are several photos of her with bags in front of her belly and the friend adds, "She's so excited, she's glowing." Next: In case you were wondering, JWoww hasn't had more plastic surgery. Apparently, "People are saying I got cheek implants, my chin shaved down and a nose job," however she attributes the change in her appearance to losing 15 pounds, which made her "cheeks more defined." George Clooney's girlfriend of one month, Stacy Keibler, is already pushing him to commit and insisting that she's "different" from his past loves, because that is what one does when dating George Clooney. Enjoy this guide to stars' dental work, and bonus shot of Blake Lively's old nose (see Fig. 3). There's no way anyone who has breasts was involved in the feature "Where Did Their Boobs Go?" because every single one of these mysteries can be explained by wearing a different bra, or in Jennifer Hudson's case, a widely-reported 80 pound weight loss. This week's Jolie-Pitt update is kind of a bummer. In Touch claims that one of their nannies is actually a therapist called in to deal with Pax's aggression. He picks on Shiloh and Maddox, and while that may sound like normal sibling stuff, the mag claims he's acting out because he is "still able to recall his hard-knock life in a Ho Chi Minh City orphanage in Vietnam." Next week, we'd like our made-up kid news to focus on Zahara sliding down the bannisters in their new 16th century Glasgow mansion and Shiloh demanding bagpipe lessons.
Grade: D+ (Irresistible urge to violate the Prime Directive.)
Fig. 1, from OK!
Fig. 2, from Star
Fig. 3, from In Touch