Will Dry Humping Solve America's Slut Crisis?

Our country is facing a crisis: every day, scores of young women are acting way sluttier than they should And, quite frankly, all of the sex they're having is icky and unhygienic and unfeminist, and must make them feel bad about themselves. Ergo, it is a feminist act to dry hump, and dry hump only. For as Gloria Steinem once said, "Go forth, young women, and dry hump."

So goes the logic of a Huffington Post piece whose satirical temperature I can't quite read. What I can read is that author Toni Nagy thinks that dry humping is a feminist act, and that going through a slutty phase is just fine, just as long as you follow it up with a period of fast and penitence and pretending that you were never acting like a slutty slut. She writes,

Most likely any self-possessed woman is going to spend at least one period of her life on a whore tour and still have the t-shirt to match. Discovering different sides of your sexual self is often achieved through multiple partners, and I think sampling the variety is part of the human experience. But after you have indulged your inner whore, there comes a time to embrace your inner prude as well.

When does that time come? No one ever says! I guess you have to stop whoring around before all of the petals fall off of your pummeled vagina, like the glass-encased rose in Disney's Beauty & the Beast.

After some invisible yardstick has determined that you are to have none more sex, if you want to live The Right Way, you should then proceed to pretend like you don't know your way around someone else's genitals. Pretend that sex scandalizes you. Be Kim Kardashian, basically. Why? For your own self-respect, and so you don't feel icky. And because of science.

If you sleep with a guy too soon and the sex was bad, you can end up feeling as dirty as massaging a dead rat with your tongue, searching for a scrub brush for your vagina, or maybe even a plunger. But if the sex was good, you would want to do it again, and again, and again. The more you orgasm, the more oxytocin is released in your brain, which is the "bonding hormone." Most likely, you will feel physically and physiologically attached to that guy whose penis was inside you. Go figure. Even if you think you don't "want anything serious" you probably still wonder, question, ponder "where is this all going?"

The idea that women are clingy because of Science is an old one, and the problem expressed here- not knowing where a sexual relationship is going- could be solved by talking to the person who you're doing it with. But that's too easy for an entire article, I suppose.

Furthermore, women should guard their honor. Like Kevin Costner in The Bodyguard combined with a bouncer.

I think women need a velvet rope and a self-important doorman for their vaginas, monitoring who gets access. If you're not on the list, you are not coming inside.

Ignoring the nearly irresistible joke about "coming inside" joke I could make from this, without the intimacy of skin-to-skin or skin-to-latex contact, how are we supposed to feel intimate with our partners?

Dry humping. Frottage, that is. Chafed gold. Painful pee.

That is why I am an advocate for dry humping. It honors the involvedness of sex, giving you time to actually sort out how you both feel about each other, but still leaves something to build up to. And the likelihood of you feeling like crap because a guy you wiggled around with never called is less then if he actually penetrated your panties. But if you are both attracted to each other, the dry humping session will only make you more so.

So, when you dry hump with a guy, that means that your vagina is blocked off by a luxurious velvet rope and a burly bouncer to protect your honor? All these years, I thought it just meant I was on the rag and didn't feel like taking my pants off.

Perhaps I am among the few and the proud who is tired of reading the moral justifications they feel like they have to make for their sexual actions. Sleep with people or don't sleep with people, but do it because it's what you want, not because you're fulfilling someone else's expectations. If you feel icky by sleeping with a bunch of people, no one is going to hold a novelty penis hat to your head and force you to take a bartender home. If you enjoy experiencing people in new and fun ways at all times, and you conduct yourself that doesn't hurt other people, then do that. But don't aggrandize the sexual path you've chosen by claiming that what you're doing is "feminist" or "righteous" or "empowering." It's fucking, or not fucking, and I don't fucking care why you do it.

The Case for Dry Humping: Why being Prude is a Feminist Statement [HuffPo]

Image via Shutterstock. Camel in desert. Dry humping. Get it?