This Week In Tabloids: Jennifer Aniston Is Not Taking Birth Control

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we have a steamy fauxmance with the tall, dark strangers known as In Touch, Star, Ok!, Life & Style and Us. This week: Jennifer Lopez is super psyched to be single; Kim Kardashian had kotton kandy at her bridal shower; Angie bought Shiloh a dress; and Jennifer Aniston is not on the pill.

This Week In Tabloids: Jennifer Aniston Is Not Taking Birth Control

Life & Style
"J.Lo's Revenge Romance."
Jennifer Lopez was seen talking "intensely" to a tall, dark-haired man in a dimly lit parking lot. He put his arm against the SUV, leaning closer to her, "so close that if she'd moved her head a few inches, their lips would've met in a kiss." This was, of course, a scene for the new movie What To Expect When You're Expecting, and Jenny was with her costar, Rodrigo Santoro (you know, the hot hottie from Love, Actually?). "There is amazing chemistry between them," claims an on-set insider. Yes. It's called acting. Still, there are four pages here about how Rodrigo is "exactly Jennifer's type," because he is Latino, and how Jennifer is "already on the hunt for a new man" because "she's never alone for long." A source says Jennifer and Rodrigo "were shooting a scene where they were on a date, and the whole time it was impossible to tell what was part of the scene and what wasn't." Again: Acting. Let's move on. Farrah from Teen Mom has a new boyfriend, Daniel Alvarez. He's from Texas, and Farrah was set up with him by a woman she met at the airport in New York. "She said, 'I have a friend you should go on a blind date with.' It's the most random way I've ever met somebody!" exclaims Farrah. Former wrestler and Dancing With The Stars contestant Stacy Keibler has been tweeting from London and the South of France, traveling on private jets, hanging out on multi-million dollar yachts and dining at expensive restaurants. She posted "I am the luckiest girl in the world!" on Twitter. The vital information she left out of these tweets? She has been hanging out with George Clooney. Yes, George is dating a wrestler. Can Ashley and JP "break the curse" and not end up like other "doomed" Bachelor and Bachelorette couples? A source claims: "The producers really want Ashley and JP to make it." So they let Ash and JP see each other, hoping they'll stay together. Finally, a shocker: Shiloh was at a toy store with Angelina and liked a red Strawberry Fairy dress. She tried it on, and decided she wanted it, so Angie paid $40 for the frock. Mark this day in your calendar: Shiloh liked a dress!
Grade: D- (the paparazzi catch you canoodling with yourself)

This Week In Tabloids: Jennifer Aniston Is Not Taking Birth Control

Us
"J. Lo Tells Marc No Way!"
Jennifer Lopez is kind of sad her marriage is over, but she's been really nice and friendly on the set of What To Expect When You're Expecting and just "seems so happy." Marc, on the other hand, is a mess: "His mood shifts from blaming her to begging her to take him back to telling her she is destroying his life." And: "He'll call her to apologize and then get mad and call her names." Allegedly. According to a source. But Jennifer is happy being single and "finally found her confidence." Uh, are you saying she didn't have it before? Yikes. Also inside: A quote from Jessica Simpson: "Shoes are my best friends. I'd rather have a great pair of high heels than a hug." Kim Kardashian has chosen her wedding cake. It will be a 10-tier white cake with chocolate-chip icing and black-and-white decorations. It will resemble the one Prince William and Duchess Kate had. Scarlett Johansson has been "chasing" ex-husband Ryan Reynolds. Calling him "incessantly." She wants him back, and she is surprised he doesn't drop everything when she asks. Meanwhile, Ryan is no longer dating Charlize Theron because she was "in a rush" to settle down and he just wanted a casual fling. Bachelorette stars Ashley and JP are moving in together "immediately." What happened to her dental career? Former Bachelor contestant Vienna Girardi has an announcement to make, and it is: "I love my new nose!" She looked a lot better before the surgery, though. (See Fig. 1) Lastly, "Real-Life Hollywood Moms" include Alyson Hannigan, Tiffani Thiessen and, uh, Kris Jenner.
Grade: D (you're spotted with a "mystery man" who is actually your brother)

This Week In Tabloids: Jennifer Aniston Is Not Taking Birth Control

In Touch
"The Nanny Tells All."
Stop me oh, oh, oh stop me, stop me if you think that you've heard this one before: Angelina Jolie is "doting in public" but "cold, impatient and less than affectionate" with her kids behind closed doors. By the by, there is an "exclusive interview," with a nanny, Krisann Morel, but be advised that she was Angelina's nanny for two years when the actress was a child. As in, a one-year-old. So her "telling all" is crap that happened thirty-five years ago when Jon Voight Left Marcheline Bertrand. There's some other stuff in this piece, about how Angelina wants people to think she is a "supermom," so when she knows that photographers are about, she will walk in front, holding her kids' hands, and make the nannies walk in the back or "stay hidden." Also, an "insider" claims that being a Jolie-Pitt nanny as "great pay, long hours and complete chaos." So… the usual? Also inside: Jennifer Lopez hates being without a man in her life and wants Halle Berry's ex, Gabriel Aubry, to be the new Mr. Lo. Jennifer Aniston wants a baby now, and is keeping track of what days she ovulates so Justin Theroux can get her knocked up ASAP or at least by the end of the year. A "friend" claims that Aniston is not on birth control and "leaving it up to fate." In a world where "fate" means "sperm." Satsuki Mitchell lived with Daniel Craig for seven years, and then he started filming Dream House with his old friend Rachel Weisz. According to a source, "One morning, Daniel left for the set, as usual. Only that night, he didn't come home. Satsuki was frantically calling, texting and emailing him, but he was probably with Rachel and not answering." Satsuki "hit back, the only way she knew how." She racked up about $1 million in charges on Daniel Craig's credit cards, which she had permission to use. You know, there are lots of reasons to be glad you are not famous. And while "Great Bodies… Bad Swimsuits" is not as terrible as "Worst Beach Bodies," it would suck swollen donkey testicles to be Anne Hathaway and have the picture of your cockeyed nips in magazines nation-wide. Ugh. Also, she does not look 87! Christ. (See Fig. 2) Last, but not least: JP's family always wanted their "beloved son" to marry a nice Jewish girl, and Ashley from The Bachelorette is a shiksa. Sunrise, sunset.
D+ (you kiss a handsome man, but it's for work)

This Week In Tabloids: Jennifer Aniston Is Not Taking Birth Control

Ok!
"Inside Kim's Bridal Shower."
Kim Kardashian made some kind of deal with the mag and invited their photographers and editors to her bridal shower. (See Fig. 3) So there's a ten-page spread of photos and info here — including pictures of the shower invitation, the place settings, Kim being lifted up by her fiancé and even a picture of the two Ok! editors who attended the party. Other guests included Lindsay Lohan, Serena Williams, Kelly Rowland, Maria Menounos, Sharon Osbourne, and Mel "Scary Spice" B. The theme of the event was Old Hollywood, and kotton kandy was served. Kim is so happy, she's finally found the one, etc. Moving on: Brad and Angelina had a 26-day fight. Actually, they just weren't photographed together between June 27 and July 23. Probably because Brad was shooting a movie. But according to the mag, "the pair force smiles in public but privately are at each other's throats." This particular quarrel had to do with Angelina's possessiveness. Brad doesn't like it when she acts jealous. The good news? "One thing about Brad and Angelina is that they fight hard and make up beautifully," says an insider. "After their epic fights, they are usually in bed for a solid 24 hours." All's well that ends well. Next: Ashley from The Bachelorette is "in heaven" because her new fiancé, JP, is so hot. But she's "in hell" because she has chronic insecurity and because Bentley called her an ugly duckling on national TV. Lastly, since splitting up with Kat Von D, Jesse James has been calling Sandra Bullock "a lot." A source says, "He really has no one else to turn to." Sandra's friends are urging her not to take his calls, as are we.
Grade: C- (you have a date with a hottie and no one sees you together)

This Week In Tabloids: Jennifer Aniston Is Not Taking Birth Control

Star
"Divorce Deal Blows Up!"
It's unclear what the "deal" is and how it has "blown up," but basically, a lawyer for Jennifer Lopez's ex-husband Ojani Noa wants to put J. Lo on the stand and ask her if she was faithful to Marc Anthony during their marriage. This attorney also wants to ask J.Lo if she made a sex tape. Moving on: Lenny Kravitz has one of those retro-handsets you plug into your cell phone (See Fig. 4). Scarlett Johansson is feeling "incredibly alone" since her fling with Sean Penn ended, and is doing "everything possible" to get Ryan Reynolds to take her back. Hey Girl, your boyfriend Ryan Gosling was seen playing pool and doing shots with Emma Stone, and it turned into "a pretty steamy makeout session." Drew Barrymore's boyfriend, art consultant Will Kopelman, wants Drew to be his wife. And she is "warming up" to the idea of being Mrs. Kopelman. Justin Timberlake, Jessica Biel and Olivia Wilde are in a "love triangle," and by that, the mag means that JT is fooling around with both ladies. Brad Pitt is "itching" to adopt another kid, but Angelina says one more will upset the balance they have going right now. Apparently Brad wants a baby sister for Zahara — who already has two little sisters, Shiloh and Viv — but Brad wants "an African orphan." OH. "SISTER," as in BLACK PERSON. GOT IT. We don't care about Brandi Glanville, Eddie Cibrian's ex-wife, but it is kind of tacky that she posted "This is what I'm do n tonight! On star wars sheets" on Twitter with a picture of a random dude lying on her son's bed. Gross. There's trouble in paradise for Ashley and JP, because he found out that she shagged Ben the night before they got engaged. That's what the fantasy suite is for, right? Sofia Vergara's older brother was murdered 13 years ago, and now her younger brother, Julio, has been deported. She'd been trying to help Julio kick his drug habit, with no luck, and after he was arrested more than 30 times in the last 10 years, he was sent back to Colombia. Finally: Alex Rodriguez played in an underground, illegal poker game where cocaine was openly used! Major League Baseball is not happy.
Grade: C (booze-induced makeout session)

Addendum

This Week In Tabloids: Jennifer Aniston Is Not Taking Birth Control

Fig. 1, from Us

This Week In Tabloids: Jennifer Aniston Is Not Taking Birth Control

Fig. 2, from In Touch

This Week In Tabloids: Jennifer Aniston Is Not Taking Birth Control

Fig. 3. from Ok!

This Week In Tabloids: Jennifer Aniston Is Not Taking Birth Control

Fig. 4, from Star