This Week In Tabloids: Cancer Survivor Michael Douglas Has A Smoke

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we "read" the celebrity tabloids so you don't "have" to. This week, Jen Aniston is "desperate" to move in with J'ethroux; Katie Holmes is "desperate" to be skinny; Shiloh is "desperate" for attention; and we desperately hope that Michael Douglas isn't really smoking again.

This Week In Tabloids: Cancer Survivor Michael Douglas Has A SmokeS

Life & Style
"Desperate To Be Skinny."
Katie Holmes has lost weight in order to take control of her life, because she's Tom Cruise's Eliza Dolittle and needs to make some of her own decisions. Someone saw her by the pool at a hotel in Miami and says, "it was jarring how skinny" Katie looked. She has zero fat and her ribs are showing, etc. Her parents may need to step in. But Suri is probably the one who will get her back on track, because "Suri is the only bright light in Katie's long lonely days." Praise Xenu. Kristin Cavallari posed in wedding dresses for a photo shoot just two days before breaking up with her fiancé and the pix are here. They split because she wouldn't move to Chicago or give up her career, and the obvious question is, "Kristin Cavallari has a career?" Next up is "Jennifer Lopez's Revenge Body." We don't even have to tell you what that's about. Next: Denise Richards claims that when she was married to Charlie Sheen, the bedroom door was bulletproof and there was a firepole in the closet to make a quick escape. Denise says: "With the right attitude, I saw these as perks." Lastly: Ryan Phillllipppe hooked up with Ashley Greene and Demi Lovato is not happy about it.
Grade: F (smoking crack in a crackhouse)

This Week In Tabloids: Cancer Survivor Michael Douglas Has A SmokeS

Us
"Denise Breaks Her Silence."
Lady wrote a book. She is surprised that after everything she and Charlie went through, they are still able to sit down and have a meal — and they talk every day. She has a pretty good attitude: Once she went to dinner with Chuckles and two "questionable women" who were escorts: "I thought: It's one meal. You can suck it up and get through it. It's not my place to judge how they make a paycheck." She taught her children about addiction by using a book that explains it in drawings. We would like to see that book. A reporter from the mag asked how she explains the "goddesses" and Denise says: "I don't explain the goddesses to the girls. They're not at the age where I think that's appropriate." She seems like she has a good handle on things. Let's move on. Alexander Skarsgard and Kate Bosworth have broken up. Months ago. But just a reminder. Kristen Stewart "has a new attitude." She's outgrown her awkward phase, become "positively social" and enthusiastic. Look out! Finally: In Bachelorette news, apparently BOTH guys left proposed to Ashley, and she turned one of them down. He got really angry, and she was "shaken" by his reaction. Bet you anything it's JP!
Grade: D- (smoking meth in a meth lab)

This Week In Tabloids: Cancer Survivor Michael Douglas Has A SmokeS

Ok!
"Back Together!"
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck belong together. Allegedly. The mag takes us back to 2003, when Ben gave JLo a 6 carat pink diamond engagement ring. Unfortch, they called off their wedding at the last minute. But now: "They're talking. They've spoken more than once," says a source. Jennifer's mom Guadalupe really likes Ben and was devastated when Bennifer broke up. She's not telling Jen to have an affair BUT is hoping they can be there for each other to ease the pain. And if he's ever available again… cough. Guadalupe and Ben used to hang out all the time because they both love drinking and gambling. Sometimes JLo would go home and Guadalupe and Ben would just stay out! Love that. In a sidebar, body language expert Patti Wood informs us that When JLo was with Marc, they were awkward and she'd use her purse to block him. But with Ben, Jen had "an upraised chin and an intense gaze." It was meant to be! (See Fig. 1) Moving on: The story called "Jessica's Pregnant!" actually has text above the headline which reads, "Why Everyone's Saying…" Some random OB/GYN says Jessica Simpson looks to be about 25 weeks along. Her rep denies that Jess is knocked up, of course. The mag lists the "telltale signs" that Jessica Simpson has a bun in the oven: "Her hair looks thicker."(You know she wears extensions, right?) "Her boobs look huge." Not a new development. The mag also suggests Jess is trying to "steal Nick's wedding thunder" by showing off her bump. Yeah. No. Kim Kardashian's bachelorette weekend was "wild" because there was dancing, partying, R-rated gifts and a dwarf stripper. One of JP's "secrets" is that he likes to cook and once rolled sushi for a girlfriend. Last, but certainly not least: Lindsay Lohan's new man looks like Sam Ronson.
Grade: D (smoking heroin at a stranger's house)

This Week In Tabloids: Cancer Survivor Michael Douglas Has A SmokeS

In Touch
"JP's Secret Double Life."
Ashley from The Bachelorette has been "stabbed in the heart." Not literally. But basically this story is about how JP is faking it for the cameras. The only person he really ever was into is his ex, Stephanie Kerman, "who broke his heart so badly he's still trying to put the pieces back together." He's "still pining" for his ex and he couldn't possibly be into Ashley because she's so different from Stephanie. See, Ashley goes out in public looking messy. Stephanie used to work at Vogue "and it shows." Ashley gave up on her dreams to be dancer to be a dentist; Stephanie is "living her dream" as a PR exec. Ashley lives in a small town in Maine; Stephanie "loves her glamorous home in Manhattan." Moving on: Jay-Z is "acting like a single man," which is "Beyoncé's nightmare." He was spotted hugging model Selita Ebanks — and giggling with her, which, as a married man, is not allowed. Jay also went clubbing with several pretty ladies who may have been backup dancers. Champagne was purchased. One of them sat upon his lap. Uh-oh. Their "baby plans" have "stalled" and they are living separate lives, you guys. Sniffle. Next: Shiloh Jolie-Pitt is jealous of the twins because "they are a distraction and so cute." She has temper-tantrums because she wants to be the center of attention (and as we all know, it is SO RARE for a five-year-old to have a tantrum). Zahara — formerly Shiloh's homie — has started playing with Vivienne more, teaching her about pink and glitter. "Vivienne is a little lady," says a source. "You never see her without her purse, her Mary Jane shoes or her girly cardigans." As a tomboy, Shiloh finds that annoying. Moving along: You'd think that now that Jennifer Aniston has a boyfriend, the "desperate" headlines would be history. But no. She is still desperate. Today, she is "Desperate To Move In With Justin." She is "urging him to settle down now" and "dragging him from one mansion to the next." Plus, she keeps using the word "we" as in "we could do this, we could do that." Her "friend" says she is crossing over into "borderline creepy territory." Then the mag puts a picture of Justin in a black T-shirt next to a picture of Angelina in a black T-shirt and asks, "Should they be dating?" They both like angst, you see. Also inside: Leah, the daughter of Amber from Teen Mom, is "out of control." The 2-year-old's mother is in rehab, so "Leah lives every day without the woman brought her into the world." She throws fits. She bites. She hits other children. She stays up until 2 am, which is not bad — it's badass. Her grandma — Gary's mom — has been taking care of her, and gives her way too many sweets. The downside? Leah's growth is supposedly stunted — "She doesn't talk much, and she doesn't seem to know how to count or name her colors as well as other kids her age." You know what? This kid is not a celebrity and speculation about her development is pretty fucked up. Although we are concerned that her mom hit her dad and now she is hitting other kids. Moving on: Suri Cruise is battling addiction: She is a chocoholic. (see Fig. 2) Finally: "They've got Rock Star Hair" features celeb kids and their 'dos. (See Fig. 3)
Grade: D (smoking opium in the 1880s)

This Week In Tabloids: Cancer Survivor Michael Douglas Has A SmokeS

Star
"New Cancer Shocker!"
Here is a story based on photographs of Michael Douglas, in Italy, smoking. The grainy shots — quite obviously taken from far away — show the actor puffing on what looks like a handmade cigarette and then popping a piece of gum. It's shocking enough to think that the cancer survivor might be smoking tobacco, but then the mag suggests that perhaps he was smoking marijuana because his cancer is back. Meanwhile, Catherine Zeta-Jones is trying to quit smoking with one of those electronic cigarettes. Sigh. What else? Mariah Carey was out with friends and had a $450 bottle of champagne delivered to the bathroom of a restaurant. Madonna is worried that Kelly Osbourne is a bad influence on her daughter Lourdes. They're becoming friends, and Madonna likes Kelly, but she thinks they're too far apart in age: Kells is 26 and Lola is 14. Linda Hogan was banned from a country club for telling some peeps who asked to play golf with her to go fuck themselves. Also her boobs kept popping out of her top. She took her 22-year-old fiancé and left. Brad Pitt convinced Jonah Hill to lose weight by calling him "Fatman" on the set of Moneyball. Brad hired a personal trainer for Jonah AND bought him $1500 worth of new clothes as an incentive after Jonah shed the first 15 lbs. Tough love, but heavy on the tough. Madonna spent $75,000 on anti-cellulite acoustic therapy. Her cellulite has "destroyed" her relationship with her longtime trainer Tracy Anderson, because she would call Tracy and rant about what a useless trainer she was. Madge, dear, you can work out all you want, cellulite happens no matter how fit you are. Sunglasses down. Deal with it. James Franco broke up with his girlfriend of five years because of Agyness Deyn. In Bachelorette news, JP is doing this whole sob story about how his ex broke his heart, but her friends are saying, um, they broke up three years ago and it was not a big deal. And! A bombshell! Ben was arrested in college for being at a party where there was underage drinking. He says: "You have no idea how messed up the judicial system is until you're inside." He was in jail for fifteen harrowing hours. With 74 of his friends. Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux have set a date. They will get married in Cabo San Lucas around Thanksgiving. She will wear a short white or pastel dress. Allegedly. Presented without comment: "COPYCUT! Shiloh Gets The Rachel." (See Fig. 4) Jennifer Lopez has moved out of the Long Island home she shared with Marc Anthony. Marc thinks the house is cursed, because that's where he lived with his first wife. But maybe it's you, dude. Maybe it's you. Emma Watson is "caught in a downward spiral of partying" because she's distraught about the end of Harry Potter. We know this because the 21-year-old stayed out past 2 am one night and was seen dancing. Wildly. Will there be a Glee spinoff starring Chris Colfer, Lea Michele and Cory Monteith? Set in New York? Showing the kids trying to make it on Broadway? Finally: Kristen Stewart is crushed because Robert Pattinson was canoodling with a photographer on the set of Cosmopolis. The snapper happens to be the daughter of the director David Cronenberg, and has been showing Rob around town and introducing him to her friends while Kristen loses weight and cries her eyes out.
Grade: B- (taking a hit off a joint while on vacation)

Addendum

This Week In Tabloids: Cancer Survivor Michael Douglas Has A SmokeS

Fig. 1, from Ok!

This Week In Tabloids: Cancer Survivor Michael Douglas Has A SmokeS

Fig. 2, from In Touch

This Week In Tabloids: Cancer Survivor Michael Douglas Has A SmokeS

Fig. 3, from In Touch

This Week In Tabloids: Cancer Survivor Michael Douglas Has A SmokeS

Fig. 4, from Star