The price of Jennifer Aniston loneliness futures skyrocketed today on the news that the Wonderbread of acting was house shopping with beau Justin Theroux. If this were any other human, one would assume that this is a good sign for her, being in love and getting serious, but since it's Jen, and she's Perpetually Jilted and Babyless, this is clearly just setting her up for the most spectacular series of Heartbroken! tabloid covers ever devoted to any actress.
Poor, poor, poor, poor rich lonely Jen. She introduced Justin to her dad over an expensive lobster dinner, which I'm sure she had to scrimp and save for. She agreed to get pre-engaged, which any evangelical Christian teen can tell you is just about the most important thing that can happen to someone before getting a driver's license. And now that she's looking for houses, you know it's the beginning of the end for her. Soon she'll again be abandoned and left penniless, her career in shambles, never to have another chance.
But she's undaunted! She believes in the future of love, or whatever the lonely housewives who declare themselves with a straight face to be on Team Jennifer to her have decided to project onto her. She's underappreciated. Just a small town girl livin' in a lonely world, taking the midnight train with a city boy from Detroit.
- Cameron Diaz has declared herself smart for not getting married, which does not mean that she is saying that everyone who gets married is dumb, because people make personal choices based on their own needs and desires and what's right for one person isn't an implicit judgment of the choices of another person. Repeat that five times before leaving the house every morning. [Digital Spy]
- Former major league baseball player Jose Canseco was supposed to compete in a celebrity boxing match but didn't show up himself; instead, he accepted payment for the fight but sent his twin brother Ozzie to fight in his place. Organizers were not fooled by the fraternal switcheroo, which led the promoters of the match to sue Canseco, which led Canseco to owe them like eight grand. Just because switching identical twins worked for Oscar Bluth doesn't mean it would work in the real world. Perhaps J. Walter Weatherman, Oscar's one-armed friend, could teach Jose and Ozzie a lesson about this- and that's why you don't send your twin brother to fight in a boxing match in your place. [RadarOnline]
- The kid who played Neville Longbottom in the Harry Potter movies grew up to be sort of halfway decent looking, and as a result, panties are being hurled in his direction by the truckload. Matthew Lewis is considering hiring neighborhood children to shovel the pantie piles out of his way so that he can walk from place to place without endangering his ankles, plus it would teach the kids about what a good hard day of work feels like. [OMG]
- Eric Dane aka Dr. McSteamy from Grey's Anatomy, has completed his Dr. McRehab, which he voluntarily entered to kick a McPill habit. No more McDrugs or McAlcohol or McCrack fueled McThreesomes for him. [USAT]
- The Kardashian/Jenner machine just keeps spitting out product. Kendall and Kylie Jenner, who are 15 and 13, respectively, are now allowed to go out on dates with boys. I hope their parents taught them about kontraception. [ONTD]
- Hey, girl, Ryan Gosling loves his costar Emma Stone, just as all costars love all other costars at movie premieres. He also says his movie is really good, which is another thing that all movie stars say while promoting their own movies. But this time, I want it to be real. JUST THIS ONE TIME. [MTV]
- Liam Neeson played tongue sabre with his new girlfriend in San Tropez. Late wife Natasha Richardson was killed in a ski accident two years ago. Extremely important note: I have a romper made out of the same material as Liam Neeson's girlfriend's dress. I like her dress better than my romper, because it's a romper. What was I even thinking? [TMZ]
- Katy Perry is going to help announce the nominees for the 2011 Video Music Awards! Well, she's not really going to announce them per se, in her grand Katy Perry tradition, she's going to make a bra out of microphones and have other people announce the nominees by speaking into her boobmics while she giggles like a poorly behaved Toddlers & Tiaras contestant whose mother thinks that everything she does is cute. [MTV]
- Some hijinks purveyors breached the Fort Knoxian security around Zach Braff's website and posted a message written at about a sixth grade level claiming that the star Scrubs,, Garden State, and a surprising number of people's most irritating nightmares is a proud member of the homosexual community. He's not. All that computer savvy and all you can muster is a "LOLGAY" joke? For shame. Be funnier, hackers. [TMZ]
- JLo's mother reached out to Ben Affleck for guidance about her daughter's romantic troubles with her soon-to-be-ex husband Marc Anthony. Ben wasn't sure he could help his ex fiancee's mother, though, though, as he seemed to be fooled by the rocks that Jennifer had gotten and wasn't sure if she was still Jenny from the block or a treacherous imposter. [Us]
- Jennifer Lopez sang at a wedding for some rich Ukranians, some of whom probably were probably burly and had knuckle tattoos that read stuff like "MEAT HATS" and "BUTT FACE," like the villains in a Die Hard movie. [People]
- What the world needs now: a reality show produced by Ryan Seacrest about wealthy young adults who don't have real jobs or life skills set in LA. If this were a hatewatch slot machine and those icons all lined up for me, I'd have won a jackpot. [ONTD]
Image via AP