Nicki Minaj Has Not Been Assaulted, Has Been Lying About Her Age

If you can't trust hyper produced pop stars who always dress in outrageous costumes while singing songs about being the alpha female of the whole entire world, who can you trust? Nicki Minaj has been telling everyone that she was born in 1984, but according to data gathered from the police report filed after an incident Monday night, she was really born in 1982, making her an old, decrepit, wrinkly, dried up 28 years old rather than the young, sprightly, fecund 26 she'd have us believe. For shame, Nicki!

This isn't the first time that Nicki's age has been called into question, but it's equally as confusing this time around as well. Why shave only two years off your age?

The squeaky rapress has also taken to Twitter to vehemently deny claims that the man involved in an altercation with her on that fateful evening assaulted her, Tweeting,

u believe a man either slapped or punched me in the face & didn't leave on a stretcher w/his balls hangin off?

Point taken, Nicki. So now we've solved the Mystery of Minaj's Real Age and the Curious Case of the Shoving and the Suitcase, but are we going to figure out if Nicki Minaj is actually real, or if she's a figment of my imagination brought to life after experimenting with LSD and climbing into a washing machine full of Koosh balls and jewel bellied troll dolls? [Buzzfeed][Dallas Observer]

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    Image via AP