Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we "read" the celebrity tabloids so you don't "have" to. Today, we get a good look at the newborn babies of Kim Zolciak and Alicia Silverstone. We spot Suri Cruise shopping for a $6,000 leopard skirt. We hear that both Jennifer Aniston and Lady Gaga might be pregnant, and we learn which celebrities have "outtie" belly buttons.
"Reality TV Shockers!"
Not sure how this is a "shocker," but Amber from Teen Mom is worried that she'll lose her daughter. The "shocker" for Teresa from RHONJ is that if her husband Joe goes to jail, she will probably file for divorce. Intern Ramona thinks this won't happen as "they really love each other." Ashley from The Bachelorette's "shocker" is that she has already been dumped by the guy she chose to propose to her. JP Rosenbaum did indeed ask her to marry him — he was contractually obligated, we think — but he "did a 180." Ashley and JP had formed something called "Team Cupcake," but it seems he was just using her to be famous. Let's move on. Britney Spears is "acting weird again," in that she's been "bingeing on candy." We're not convinced, but the story claims she is "hurtling toward another major meltdown." Brad Pitt is "hurting" Jennifer Aniston AGAIN by taking Angelina Jolie to a restaurant in Malta — called de Mondion — which he'd taken Jen to in 2003. Yawn. "Kim Will Be A Size 2 Bride — No Matter What!" reveals that Ms. Kardashian is training with the notorious Tracy Anderson — resistance training and another hour of cardio, six times a week. And! She's eating a low-carb diet with green juices, veggie-filled broths and protein bars. If we were working out two hours a day and all we could eat was BROTH we would fucking kill someone. Probably Tracy Anderson. No wonder Kim's a bridezilla: She's STARVING.
Grade: F (called pregnant when you're just fat)
Life & Style
Bachelorette Ashley is really into this one guy Ames, but the mag reports that he has a secret girlfriend, Jackie Gordon, who was on The Bachelor. Our exclusive in-office source thinks Ames and Jackie MUST have met on Bachelor Pad, because there's one "surprise contestant" coming soon. Ames? Anywhoozle. Ames and Jackie were seen on vacation in Napa, California, and he wore a hat, trying to hide. Ames would like to become an actor, and isn't really even into Ashley. Ashley is super into JP, because his kisses are "magical," but "that's only because he's had tons of practice. He's had dozens and dozens of girlfriends," according to the mag. Gah. Moving on: Suri Cruise was seen shopping for a $6300 leopard print Celine ensemble. (See Fig. 1) Kim Kardashian wants to have a baby "nine months to the day" after getting married. Jessica Simpson will get married in Hawaii in 2012. Last, but certainly not least, Kim Zolciak landed two spreads featuring herself and her new baby, K.J. (See Fig. 2) Although her husband is named Kroy, the baby is NOT Kroy Junior. He is Kroy Jagger. Kim says he has the "most kissable lips." Her daughters played "Tardy For The Party" and "Google Me" for the poor kid, and Kim says: "It calmed him down when he was fussy." Those tracks have the same effect on us!
Grade: D- (called pregnant when you have gas)
"A Baby For For Teresa!"
Teresa is "prepared" to give her jailbird husband what he's always longed for: A son. The baby's name would be Franco IF she gets pregnant and IF it is a boy. But she's not sure she wants to get knocked up, yadda yadda. Lady Gaga is "ready to be a mama" because she has been "sporting a fuller midriff." There's an actual arrow pointing to her abdomen, where her internal organs live, with the words "a tell-tale bump?" (See Fig. 3) Presented without comment: "Outtie Of The Closet!" Okay, no here is a comment: The fruit comparisons were a nice touch. (See Fig. 4) In other news, Tori Spelling's kids are terrifying. (See Fig. 5) Jennifer Aniston's friends are concerned, because she is "changing everything" for her man. She cut her hair! She got a tattoo! She wore red! She ditched Courteney Cox to hang with (gasp!) Terry Richardson! Bachelorette Ashley is having a bad year, guys: Bentley is already dating another woman. Suri is having a "lonely summer," because she always plays by herself and doesn't have any friends her age. She learned to swim at a condo spa, "surrounded by stone-faced bodyguards," and was the only one in the pool, sniffle. Sounds like the perfect life, right? A source says: "It's the perfect life for an adult, not a kid." Bruce Jenner is worried about Kylie and Kendall, since he just found out that 15-year-old Kendall is already on birth control. Also: Both Kendall and 13-year-old Kylie "cozied up to older men" while on vacay recently. Leo is upset that Blake has been spending so much time with Ryan, but she has to, because they're promoting the shitty-ass Green Lantern movie. TMI Alert: Eddie and LeAnn like to walk around naked and have sex in every room of their house. Owen Wilson's friends are worried he will have another mental breakdown following his split from his baby mama. Justin Bieber bought Selena Gomez a $30,000 Chanel watch after she was rushed to the hospital, because Chanel cures all ills. Now that Ashton has that job on Two And A Half Men, Demi Moore is worried that he won't have enough time for her. When you marry a younger man, you expect him to be unemployed and walking around naked with just an apron on all day, right? House husbands should stay in the house! The best thing in this issue is the article called "Stars Love The Fat Whisperer." Mary Ascension Saulnier does cellulite techniques that involve saying "I command you to get out" to the fat. "I look into the body and the body talks to me," she says. "The after I see what the real story is, I tell the fat which way to move out of the body." Mary also reveals that women get cellulite on the backs of their legs because "fear is holding them back in life." Her clients include Renée Zellweger, Anna Paquin and Kim Kardashian.
Grade: D- (called pregnant when you're just constipated)
"Lauren's Broken Heart."
Lauren Conrad and Kyle Howard have broken up after 3 years, because he could not get past her "reality show roots" and he didn't want to be distracted from his goal of being the next Robert De Niro. He hated The Hills so much, he would never hang out with any of her friends. Jerk. Re: Lauren? "She thought he was the one." It just wasn't working out: She always had to drive to Malibu to see him, but he would never drive to Westwood to see her. In other split news, George Clooney was spotted flirting with women in Mexico in November, so his breakup from Elisabetta Canalis might have actually happened a while ago. Katy Perry flies her cats to visit her while she's on tour. Teen Mom's Leah is back with her ex, the one she was with before the guy she had kids with. Ashlee Simpson is only hanging out with the dude from Boardwalk Empire to make Pete Wentz "insane with jealousy." Prince Harry hung out with Chace Crawford and Matthew Morrison in London. The chaps did shots of Patron and watched The Killers. Leighton Meester was spotted making out with Garrett Hedlund at a pool in West Hollywood, but then the very next evening she was gushing about her recent dates with Justin Long. There are six pages here about how in love Blake Shelton is with Miranda Lambert, and how he used to be a partier, hooking up with ladies after every show, and she's calmed him down. Now if he sees someone pretty he doesn't even fuck them on the spot! Daniel Craig and Rachel Weisz's secret wedding on June 22 happened six months after "friendship turned to romance" on the set of their movie, Dream House. When they met, they were both in five-year-long engagements. He ended his relationship with producer Satsuki Mitchell last summer, and Weisz ended her engagement to Darren Arronofsky — with whom she had been for nine years and with whom she has a son — in November. The whole thing is a little happysad, with all the exes by the wayside, but whatever. Finally: Noted neo-hippie Alicia Silverstone did a photo shoot with her kid! The vegan animal rights activist poses here with her newborn baby — Bear Blu — her head wreathed in flowers, and her husband, musician and hipster hottie Christopher Jarecki. Sample quote: "We all take baths together sometimes." Alicia says her baby is "part squirrel, part monkey and part peanut." (See Fig. 6)
Grade: D (called pregnant when you've just eaten lunch)
"70 Best & Worst Summer Beach Bodies."
Beach bodies are not to be confused with bikini bodies, or hot bodies. Or dead bodies. In addition to declaring some womens' bodies good, the mag also calls out which celebs have fake boobs (Heidi Montag, J-Woww, Vienna Girardi) and arranges a Real Housewives Bikini Battle, pitting East Coast against West Coast. No winner is declared, however. There's also a page of "hot mamas" in bikinis — Jen Garner, Padma Lakshmi — and "dangerous curves" in bikinis — Coco, Amber Rose. The guys have their own spread, "Hunks & Chunks." Then there are "beach bombs," like Ke$ha and Stephanie Seymour. Also inside: Avril Lavigne met up with her ex, Deryck Whibley in St. Tropez. Justin Theroux's ex, Heidi Bivens, spoke to Star on June 22. When asked about the end of their relationship, she said, "It's unfortunate. I'm not going to comment unless they comment first." Classy. Meanwhile: The magazine draws a yellow circle around Jennifer Aniston's perfectly flat tummy and asks, "Is that a bump?" (See Fig. 7) Prince William is worried about Kate Middleton's weight. She is "pin thin" and determined to lose seven more pounds off of her already 114 lb.-body, so she can fit into sample sizes. Will was afraid to talk to her about it, because he didn't want her to feel self-conscious, so HARRY had a little chat with her. If your husband's little brother came up to you and said, "You're looking really skinny," how would you react? There's a feud between the Real Housewives of New York and the Mob Wives, and Jill Zarin is "protected and connected." Jill is "made." But the other housewives had better cool it, otherwise the Mob ladies will cross the bridge and make trouble. Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is a "wild child" who likes to party like a rock star. Amanda Seyfried has maybe reunited with her ex, Dominic Cooper. Nikki Reed might be pregnant with American Idol spawn, since she's gained about 10 lbs. and is refusing alcohol. Michael Sheen has moved into Rachel McAdams' house in Toronto. A "high-placed female producer" was fired from Bachelor Pad after one of the contestants accused her of sexual harassment. She "aggressively pursued" him, sending him "racy text messages" and pictures of herself in a dominatrix ensemble. He refused her advances… But did make out with her, worried he would not get on the show if he didn't. And guess what? When he didn't sleep with her, he was booted from the show. Christina Aguilera's won't let her boyfriend work. She wants him to be available so he can do tasks for her, and she wants to come home to a nice meal and a glass of wine, is that too much to ask? The guy gets an allowance of $1500 a week. House husbands should stay in the house! The piece called "Single, Stoned & Starving" is about Lady Gaga. She barely eats, so she can fit into her costumes; she's into drugs; and she's lost the love of her life, Luc Carl. Sob. If you're into that Hollywood poker ring story, there's an interesting article here, in which the Russian mob and Shannon Elizabeth are mentioned. Absolute final note: Amy Winehouse has three months to live.
Grade: D+ (called pregnant when you're just retaining water)
Fig. 1, from Life & Style
Fig. 2, from Life & Style
Fig. 3, from In Touch
Fig. 4, from In Touch
Fig. 5, from In Touch
Fig. 6, from Us
Fig. 7, from Star