In what may be the very best article the Daily Mail has ever published, Rebecca Evans drops her monocle into her cup of Earl Grey tea as she reports that there was a scuffle at the Royal Ascot — the Queen's favourite racing event, which is celebrating its 300th year.
In a blatant disregard for Ascot's strict behavioural code, a drunken brawl broke out by a Victorian band stand.
My stars! Ruffians! Marauders! Ne'er-do-wells! Well I never! Whatever happened to them?
The men, who had been drinking £98 bottles of Laurent Perrier Rose Champagne, ended up being pulled apart by members of the military.
Ah, yes. Champagne is the beverage of choice for street toughs.
That's not all. Apparently, in attendance at the event, there were women — let's not call them ladies — who had "unsightly tattoos." Go on, take a deep breath. We'll fetch some smelling salts. But yes, you heard correctly: Women with visible tattoos. Revolting. But true.
To add insult to injury, Helen Wood, a "vice girl" who was once involved with footballer Wayne Rooney, was present at the race. And you will not believe how she was dressed:
Miss Wood, who attended because the festival is a ‘great place to be seen', wore a backless, floor-length champagne-coloured gown.
The 24-year-old, who is the subject of an injunction after having sex with a famous actor, flouted protocol by neglecting to wear a hat as she sauntered around the grounds posing for photographers.
One moment please. The footmen are bringing in a fainting couch. Otherwise it would be useless to continue.
A lady without a hat. Good heavens.
The decline in standards has not gone unnoticed, as racing commentator Sir Peter O'Sullevan pointed out when he said: ‘Sometimes the grandstands seem over-run by tattoos and bare flesh. It's disrespectful – not just to the Queen, but to the horses.'
Yes, won't someone please think of the horses?