Lily Allen Married And Pregnant; One Item Away From Lady Tic Tac ToeS

Lily Allen got married yesterday and her new husband announced to guests that the singer is 12 weeks pregnant. Wedding and babies? Now all Lily Allen needs is two guys having a fist fight over her while she stands off to the side and says "Boys! Stop it! Stop it I say!" and she'll have everything a gal could ever ask for, especially if the winner of the fistfight follows up by buying Allen some fancy jewelry. [Contact Music]

  • Spencer Pratt is selling his monster truck. The vehicle is huge, in fairly good shape, and has 177,000 miles on it, all of which are traits that Spencer Pratt wants people to think also apply to his penis. He'll reportedly be overcompensating in the future by purchasing a gigantic TV, turning the bass up in his stereo, and voting Republican. [TMZ]
  • Kate Middleton made a surprise appearance at a friend's wedding yesterday. The picture accompanying the article about her attendance at the ceremony is of Kate in her wedding dress from her own Weddingstravaganza a month and a half ago, which is funny because it sort of implies that Kate dressed like a bride to attend someone else's wedding. Even though I'm sure that's not what happened, I hope against hope that someday Kate morphs into a Prince Phillip-style cranky old royal who doesn't give any fucks and does cockamamie things like show up to other people's weddings dressed like a bride, or attend special screenings of Star Wars dressed like Harry Potter or Legolas. [Contact Music]
  • And speaking of that crazy Middleton family, Pippa, Kate's toilet paper dress wearing younger sister with whom I'd likely glean great enjoyment from hanging out with, is single after splitting up with her banker boyfriend. Whenever I read that someone's a "banker," I picture The Monopoly Man (even though I work for a bank). So, congratulations, Pippa, for breaking it off for that top hat wearing jerk. You should have known it was doomed when he showed up to your first date clutching two burlap sacks with dollar signs stamped on the sides and mumbling to himself about trying to squeeze more rent from his hotel on Baltic Avenue. [news.au]
  • Our Lady of the Gaga, Patroness of The Downtrodden and Matriarch of the Monstrous spoke at a gay pride parade in Italy, where she called herself a "child of diversity" and emphasized how Italian she was. Unfortunately, she accomplished this by saying her full name to the crowd, and not by punching Pauly D right in the face. [HuffPo]
  • Kellan Lutz, who apparently plays a sparklevamp or a sexwolf in the Twilight franchise, says that the conditions on the days that the Breaking Dawn wedding scenes were filmed were "tough," as it was raining heavily. Rain on your fake wedding day? Alannis Morisette would call that "ironic;" I'd just call that "God's way of saying He doesn't want Breaking Dawn to ever be made into a movie. [Digital Spy]
  • Kim Kardashian is a "workaholic." I think Kim and I disagree on what "work" means. [Contact Music]
  • Your imaginary Hollywood dad Tom Hanks is making a romantic comedy starring himself, Julia Roberts and The Recession. I love it when Hollywood makes movies about the middle class or people from the Midwest, because I always learn new things about the Midwest or about Poors from watching films that cover the topic. For example, did you know that Poors buy their clothes at Wal Mart and that everyone in the Midwest speaks with a southern accent? Did you know that everyone in all small towns everywhere hates gays, except for the one gay guy who no one knew was gay, until everyone learns A Lesson in Tolerance? I can't wait for Julia Roberts' character and her (I predict) completely unrealistic shoe collection to teach me about what it's like to count my blessings and, you know, have feelings and stuff. [HuffPo]
  • The Situation's dad experienced some complications from switching from one diabetes medication to another and had to go to the hospital, where he managed to achieve what I thought was impossible: looking like a douche while being pushed around in a wheelchair. [TMZ]
  • Adele likes to give away money to her friends, because she remembers what it was like to struggle, especially now that she's Rolling in the Dough. That terrible wordplay brought to you by the fact that my dad's in town. [Contact Music]
  • Star-crossed famewhores Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi will meet again on the next season of Bachelor Pad. I believe that I'm not alone in being torn between keening over the death of all that is good and decent in the world and shouting with joy.

Image via Getty.