Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, we drink the Kool-Aid poured by Ok!, Us, In Touch, Star and Life & Style. This week, Katie Holmes is unofficially officially pregnant; Pippa Middleton is secretly engaged; Prince Harry has told Chelsy Davy that she's "next"; Brad's got a new tatto, inspired by Angelina; and Muse singer Matthew Bellamy got some girl pregnant right before he started shtupping Kate Hudson.
"Yes, "I'm Pregnant."
Since Katie Holmes's spokesperson recently denied that Katie Holmes is pregnant, this is an interesting cover for Ok! to print. In addition, Katie recently sued Star magazine for calling her an addict. She doesn't like lies! But Ok! notes that Katie's rep denied she was expecting Suri at first, too. The editors are basically taunting her, saying "It's Official!" when it is most certainly not official. But the entire piece reads like fiction, actually — the article begins, "There's a special glow emanating from Katie Holmes these days, and it's not a great tan or some Scientological aura." A doctor who does not treat Katie says she is probably about 18 or 20 weeks along, and the copy aks, "Will Suri be a great big sis? Or a jealous sib?" Moving on: Jenelle from Teen Mom is in rehab, and she's "actually really excited" about it. Her stay at the Malibu facility is being paid for by MTV, as it should be. Next, you may not know this, but "red is the new blonde." And finally, Kimora Lee Simmons poses in swimsuits and tells the magazine she's dropped 30 lbs. of baby weight but doesn't feel like she has to be a size 2. Brave!
Grade: F (Kool-Aid laced with potassium cyanide)
"Tormented Over Their Bodies."
Kim Kardashian has been "pressured to get surgery" by her mom. She has denied getting butt implants, but Kris has "encouraged Kim to go under the knife" and Kim now agrees that "getting a super-sized butt at any cost is good for her career." Kim is "terrified" of cellulite (um, didn't she pose on a magazine cover saying, "I have cellulite, so what?") so she gets injections in her booty to make sure it looks smooth. Do these shots also make her ass bigger? The mag offers up images from 2007, 2009 and 2010 for us to scrutinize. (See Fig. 1) Moving on: "The claws are out" as Pippa Middleton and Chelsy Davy fight for Prince Harry. Chelsy saw Harry flirting with Pippa at the wedding and then "sulked for most of the evening," according to a source. Harry is "obviously attracted to Pippa" and kept telling her that she looked beautiful. But all was well late in the night when Harry leaned over to Chelsy and whispered, "you're next." But! A source warns that Pippa "wouldn't hesitate" to dump her boyfriend for Harry. And Harry just might be done with Chelsy, since she showed up to the wedding "hung over and disheveled" and got "stinking drunk" at the reception. Should Harry go for the lady with a wild side (Pippa) or the perpetual party girl (Chelsy)? Decisions, decisons. Next: Demi Moore is "losing control of her kids" now that 17-year-old Tallulah was busted for alcohol possession. In 2007, Rumer was arrested for having marijuana, and Scout, a student at Brown, is "a drinker, too." The piece titled "Sandra Takes The High Road" is about how Ms. Bullock isn't responding when Jesse James trashes her, and comes with a handy sidebar called "Jesse's Most Hurtful Remarks," in case you haven't heard them all. Lea Michele had a "red carpet meltdown" before the Met Gala, where she behaved "like a wicked witch" and "just kept saying that she hated everything — she was crying and having a fit!" Bristol Palin "had liposuction of her neck area" and a breast reduction, says a plastic surgeon who hasn't treated her. Last, but most certainly not least, Kingston Rossdale is a "Superman in training," with an alter ego and everything! (See Fig. 2)
Grade: D- (Hawaiian punch with hemlock)