In this week's 90-minute Glee, Kurt returns to McKinley High just in time for nationals, Rachel contemplates rhinoplasty, and we learn Quinn wasn't born attractive, and she may still be ugly on the inside.
After Finn's gawky dancing leaves Rachel with a Marcia Brady-style nose injury, the Worst Family Doctor In The World encourages her to get a nose job, saying "if you really want to be an actress you may want to consider looking and sounding the best that you can." Rachel talks this over with New Directions and the kids reveal there's something they each dislike about themselves, prompting Mr. Schue to concoct another Lady Gaga-themed lesson about self-acceptance.
Quinn is all for Rachel's nose job and agrees to accompany her to the doctor's office to model the perfect nose and sing an "Unpretty"/"I Feel Pretty" duet. Quinn actually knows what she's talking about. After Lauren Zises decides to run for prom queen, she digs through the school archives and discovers that before she transferred to McKinley, Quinn went by her real first name, Lucy, and was chubby, pimply, and brunette. Quinn admits that she got rhinoplasty and dieted to shed her "Lucy Caboosey" image, then tortured other people for being unattractive. At the end of the episode, the girls share a touching moment in which Quinn says she respects Lauren because, "I had to get a nose job and go on a crazy diet to walk around this school like I owned it, and you just do it." We're skeptical about this change of heart, as Quinn has already learned not to discriminate against people due to their appearance at least four other times, and it didn't stop her from calling Lauren fat earlier in the episode.
Meanwhile, Santana concocts a plan to win back Brittany by becoming prom queen herself. After figuring out that Karofsky's gay she blackmails him into entering into a mutual "beard" relationship and putting an end to the bullying (she explains, "The only straight I am is straight up bitch.") Santana hopes to win the jock vote and help New Directions win nationals by bringing Kurt back. Kurt makes his triumphant return (and justifies the extra long episode) by singing "As If We Never Said Goodbye" from Sunset Boulevard in its entirety.
In the teacher's lounge, Will heroically forces Emma to face her OCD by shoving unwashed fruit in her face. (We understand he was trying to make a point, but it's generally good to wash off fruit before you eat it, right?) Emma finally goes to see a therapist, and after washing her chair for 48 minutes and talking for 2 minutes, the psychiatrist writes her a prescription for an SSRI. Problem solved!
Rachel's nose job conundrum is also quickly resolved when Kurt stages a flash mob at the mall to Duck Sauce's "Barbra Streisand." Yet, things aren't tied up quite so easily for our favorite "Lebanese" and her bi-curious pal. While everyone else embraces their identity by performing "Born This Way," Santana sits in the audience wearing her misspelled shirt.