You're Not Invited to the Royal Wedding

Prince William, The Toothsome and Future Princess Shinyhair have invited almost 2,000 people to their wedding next week, including some totally famous celebrities. On the list: Guy Ritchie, Joss Stone, Sir Elton John, David and Victoria Beckham, and Rowan Atkinson. The dress code: full suits of armor for everyone, including the children. [Contact Music]
Lindsay Lohan has posted bail and is now out of jail again, inching ever closer to her long-coveted PhD in Fucking Up. [Express.co.uk]
Nicki Minaj will also be attending the royal wedding. She's not invited, per se, but she's rented an apartment right next to Westminster Abbey and is planning on wearing a royal outfit in which to stand outside the ceremony, looking totally cool and not at all desperate and weird. I'm sure the royals will see her all crazy looking in a sparkly banana suit or whatever, and, in their glorious royal eminence take pity on her and invite her in. This is going to be almost as effective as that time I showed up to that fancy dinner with my ex boyfriend with "PLACE ENGAGEMENT RING HERE" written in magic marker on the back of my left hand and an arrow drawn to my ring finger. [Showbiz Spy]
Beyonce and Jay-Z are also rumored to be performing at the wedding reception. Let's hope that the two performers remember to adjust their slang to suit their British audience. For example, in America, it's an "elevator," but in the UK, it's a "lift." In America, it's a "bathroom," and in the UK, it's either the "loo" or "WC." In America, we say, "I've got 99 problems, but a bitch ain't one," and, due to the conversion rate, in the UK, they say "I've got one pound eighty seven pence problems and a slag isn't one." [Digital Spy]
Charlie Sheen was dumped by one of his goddesses via text message. I wish deities would text me, because I've been trying to get that necklace I left at Hephaestus's house forever and I suspect that he's just avoiding me because he thinks I like, want a relationship or something. Don't flatter yourself, dude. I was totally Dionysus level drunk that night and even though you have excellent workman's hands, I'd never think of being seen in public with you. [news.co.au]
Johnny Depp's daughter is a fan of Justin Bieber. On this holiest of holy days for Christians around the world, let us not forget that Revelations foretold the coming of an Anti-Christ. I'm not saying that Justin Bieber is here to tempt our eternal souls, but we've never seen him shirtless and thus cannot prove that he doesn't have a giant 666 tattoo below his naval. [Digital Spy]
Apparently Nicki Minaj and Britney Spears are besties. I'd imagine that a night of hanging out with them would sort of be like being inside washing machine during a spin cycle full of hair extensions and Adderall. [Extra]
There's some casting drama in the new retooling of The Wizard of Oz. Apparently the director wants to cast Hillary Swank, but the studio wants Michelle Williams. Already signed on are James Franco and Mila Kunis. The studio's also considering changing the name of the film from Oz, the Great and Powerful to Your Childhood: A Snuff Film. [Digital Spy]
Hayden Panitierre and her gargantuan Ukrainian boxer boyfriend went Fee Fie Foe Fumming around at a movie premiere. [Just Jared]
Antoine Dodson has been arrested for marijuana possession. When hiding your kids and hiding your wife, it's also important to remember to hide your weed. [digital spy]
Lady Gaga fan's heart stops during concert; she was resuscitated. When I first read the headline that went with this story, I thought that the Lady of Gaga herself had stopped her heart and had it started up again, and in my brain, I thought "Oh my goodness will that woman do just about anything to get attention." in my mother's voice. [US]