My Plan For Liberating Muslim Women

My friends, I know what it is like to be a Muslim woman. The day I walked around in a burka — my goodness, how oppressive it was, how suffocating, how transforming — I learned. I have been verbally abused by an Arab man. At least I think it was abuse. They really should learn our language, shouldn't they?

This is why we need to strip Muslim women of their chains. Or their whatever they put on their heads. Not only does a burka make you clumsy, slow, fearful because you can't hear, and helpless; it also makes you sick and gives your baby rickets. I know in my heart that Arab women care about their babies. We just need to liberate them enough for them to show it.

It's not just the precious sunlight of freedom. It's also roller-skating. And it allows men to be duped into marrying cross-eyed, bearded ladies. This is positively an epidemic. I'm not saying the bride with the beard and the cross-eyes didn't have a nice personality. I'm sure she's lovely in all sorts of ways. But democracy is also about truth in advertising, and women will go about tricking the men if you let us. Just ask my husband!