SNL opened with a skit of the man acting unhinged. Charlie Sheen broadcast himself acting unhinged. Everyone’s Tweeting jokes about WINNING and tiger blood and being on a drug called Charlie Sheen. The actor separates from and then reunites with a woman he refers to as one of “the goddesses” within like five seconds. Something about his kids and custody and cocaine? Something about porn stars? America has a good laugh and half of what the man has said in the last week is so is now shorthand for “I AM DANGEROUSLY MANIC.” Congratulations, Charlie Sheen. You are a human meme, like Mr. T minus the toughness and crime stopping. [TMZ and every single other celebrity centric publication]
Now that the world knows that Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are totally dating, interviewers are peppering both of them with questions about the other one that makes it seem like they’re obnoxiously obsessed with each other, thus setting the bitter masses up for self-important schadenfreude when the pair splits. Not so happy, now, are you, rich, pretty teenagers?!!? [Daily Mail]
Colin Firth has reportedly signed on to play the world’s most foppishly adorable self deprecating British vampire who would be, oh hell, ever so humbled if you would but take the time from your day of fanciful dreaming and baking to give him a moment’s chance to show you that he’s capable of the same affection as those rugby-playing beasts you typically call a boyfriend. But, if not, thank you for taking the time to listen to him. Sometimes the sight of your gaze is enough to sustain him through bloodless days and moonless nights. (The film will be called either Blood, Actually or Count Darcy’s Diary Speech [Digital Spy]
Coldplay’s new album has been delayed again, so if you were planning on having some beige feelings while crying on the train between now and when the record finally drops, you’re going to have to hope that Bon Iver album holds up. [ONTD]
Guy Ritchie has successfully impregnated his girlfriend. Congratulations to him and his sperm. [Digital Spy]
The sequel to GI Joe will be released in 2012. Thank goodness that before the world ends, we’ll all know the fate of the personification of plastic army toys from the 70’s and 80’s. [Worldpress]
Avril Lavigne‘s record company was cool about her new album. Probably because executives at her record label are not teenage girls buying Emily the Strange wristbands at Hot Topic, and it’s not 1999. [Digital Spy]
Isla Fisher, who is not the same person as Amy Adams, has written a comedy script called Groupies that will costar Amy Poehler that better be awesome or I will cry and cry. [Contact Music]
Celebrities: they’re going to Miami Beach again! Now that The Situation et al have coated South Florida with gel, tanning lotion, and spermicidal lubricant, visitors to America’s Wang can rest assured that the protective barrier formed by Jersey Shore’s heroic foray southward will prevent them from having to interact with any actual South Florida culture. [Daily Mail]
Kim Kardashian’s boyfriend Kris Humphries reportedly loves her song, which means it must therefore be objectively awesome; dudes you’re sleeping with are notoriously tough critics. [Digital Spy]
Hugh Hefner’s girlfriend also thinks she’s a singer now. I bet Hugh thinks her music is just about the best thing that’s ever come out of the ol’ Playboy Mansion phonograph. [TMZ]
Something about Lindsay Lohan and that necklace debacle. Apparently the jewelry store is trying to sell the surveillance tape that allegedly shows Lindsay lifting the necklace to the media, but the prosecution says it messes up their case? And Lindsay thought it was on loan? This is the most boring heist movie ever. It’s worse than Ocean’s 12. [TMZ]
Gwyneth Paltrow is a lady in the street but a freak in the bed. I can’t wait to read the Goop article about how to achieve personification of the Madonna/Whore dichotomy using expensive organic grass fed beef and a $600 leather riding crop that would be a perfect Mother’s Day present for the budget conscious. [Daily Mail]
Kristen Stewart might be playing the title character in the upcoming feature film Hollywood Is Running Out Of Ideas: Snow White Edition. [The Wrap]
Christina Aguilera is being sued for using a sample from another song in “Ain’t No Other Man” and then not properly paying the right people to use the sample. When I first read that she was being sued, I assumed that it was by The Society Against Oversinging, our last line of defense against glissando-style runs inserted willy-nilly into singings of The National Anthem and O Holy Night. [ONTD]
Image via AP