Charming Fundamentalist Pastor Arrested For Masturbating At Children's Playground

Louisiana Rev. Grant Storms was taken into custody after two female park employees caught him masturbating in the driver's seat of his van. Christian Fundamentalists have masturbating-inside-a-van needs too, you know! The Reverend was apparently parked in close proximity to the carousel and to the children's playground, (obviously so he could make sure no one was doing anything evil over there).

Storms is an outspoken protester of local gay festival "Southern Decadence" and is known for arming his followers with bullhorns, Bibles, and picket signs opposing such alternative lifestyles. In addition to his opposition to gay sex, we have a sneaking suspicion that Storms' list of behaviors he finds deplorable also includes denim-on-denim ensembles and dancing — but (logically) excludes "thinking about having gay sex with a young man dancing around in denim cut-offs while you masturbate in a public park full of children." See the difference? I'm sure the biblical distinction between the two behaviors is buried somewhere in Leviticus but who has the time to check?

Not that that was happening, or anything! Says Sherrif spokesperson Sgt. Larry Dyess: "I believe that there was some people in the park, but I'm not sure if the presence of the children had a direct correlation to the incident." And Storms, for the record, has admitted he was wrong and blamed the incident on his "porn problem."

When officers asked Storms what he had been doing in the van with his pants unzipped, Storms allegedly told them he was "tired from cutting grass and was urinating into a bottle inside of his van"; a totally believable pat response he'd been saving due to his belief that it would cause any reasonable person to nod, "Hmm. Okay" and leave him to continue doing God's work.

Local Pastor Caught Masturbating In Park [WWL]
Storm Blames "Porn Problem," Denies Exposing Self To Kids [WWL]

Lane Moore is a contributing writer for The Onion