Republicans have regained legislative power across America, and they're doing everything they can to follow through on their very important campaign promises to rein in spending and shrink the government and really help our children's children's children live out the American dream in a country free of international debt. Just kidding! They're spending all of their energy and political capital trying to pass laws that treat 51% of the population as subhumans incapable of making decisions for themselves. Why, just the other day, they helpfully voted to defund Planned Parenthood! Thanks, guys! We're lucky that legislative bodies consisting mostly of white, economically privileged men are there to make the hard decisions for us weak-minded and yogurt hungry ladies, and since we're sure you're on board with being reduced to a political bargaining chip (and we're also sure that you're feeble ladybrain isn't capable of formulating its own thoughts), the Mad Libologists here at Jezebel have uncracked the Anti Woman Legislation Code and made it possible for you to make your very own Congressional speech in favor of your own diminished importance in America. Print out the above and play with your friends! Or just read along below.
I'm (positive emotion) that I can voice my support for the "Keeping America (adjective a 7-year-old would use to describe his imaginary laser-shooting robot best friend) Act" in front of you today. This bill will ensure that your hard-earned (money/dollars/cash money/quid/prop'ty/guns) will never be used to fund (abortion/oxygen tanks used by women who have in the past had an abortion/blood transfusions for women whose hymens are not intact/black or latino children having any sort of opportunity at all/prosecution of rapists who are normally super nice guys/ambulances that sometimes carry women in them). Why should taxpayers be (inappropriately harsh-sounding term that is synonymous with "forced") to pay for decisions that other people have made? People can't expect the government to take care of them when they do something like choose to (have sex/menstruate/have two X chromosomes). The American Taxpayer has had enough with subsidizing the (over-the-top adjective that means "bad") lifestyle choices of our (least productive/ladiest/sluttiest/most womanly/most uppity) citizens.
What we're proposing is shifting responsibility for (rape/pregnancy/being a woman/domestic assault/investigating one's own rape/stopping of post-miscarriage bleeding) back to those responsible. When I go to a restaurant and I see something on the menu that I find (negative adjective), I don't order it. And it's about time that the American taxpayer can say, Sir! I do not wish to order the (unappetizing dish).
I plead to you, fellow legislators, that you remember that citizens who abuse government services like (tampons for the homeless/abortion for victims of the funner kind of rape/birth control for women who are not fucking a nice guy like you) are stopping a beating heart. We shouldn't have to pay for that; their parents who will have to work until they're 87 to be able to afford to retire should. And if they can't pay, then they should live with the consequences.
We are facing (negative adjective) times and we have to make some (negative adjective) decisions. But we must make those (negative adjective) decisions in order to make sure our children inherit a country that's worthy of (something valuable). We must cut wasteful government spending and create jobs. We must make sure to remind women everywhere that, to us, they're a (vagina/uterus/vajuterus/pair of tits/sexy liability) and that the American Male Taxpayer has had enough paying for irresponsibility in its citizenry. I encourage you, fellow legislators, to vote with me on this bill and to keep America (a word that describes a type of ambulation)ing forward, like a majestic bald eagle with a giant wang just swinging around below its feathers.