- Nationally renowned abortion scholar and woman’s health expert Justin Bieber was named MVP of the NBA All Star Celebrity to-do or whatever that thing is that celebrities participate in to make sure we don’t forget about them or how fun they are. [ONTD]
- World-famous abortion and rape expert Justin Bieber was shot and killed on TV, but don’t worry, tweens, he’s not really dead; he’s just pretend dead. He was acting, because he was on CSI. And this is the part where Horatio shakes his head over dead Justin Bieber and says “Looks like he didn’t Pray…. hard enough.” and then you hear that really loud Yeeeooow sound. (Second choice: “I guess everything really does happen for a reason… even murder.) [Express]
- Radiohead released their new album a day early. It contains 8 tracks and the triangle-shaped hopes of Pitchfork, who has preemptively declared it The Greatest Album of All Of The Millenia In All Of The Galaxies. If you disagree, you simply lack the artistic sophistication necessary to understand true brilliance. [Digital Spy]
- Michael Jackson’s estate has made a jillion bamillion dollars since the star’s death. [Showbiz Spy]
- 50 Cent will be playing a cop in some movie. I was surprised and dismayed to learn that this is Fiddy’s thirteenth film, and I’ve been neglecting my vow to watch and listen to everything that 50 Cent ever does (lost a bet). Looks like I have some Netflixing to do. [Express]
- Elizabeth Taylor continues to recover in a Los Angeles hospital. Be well! [Digital Spy]
- Amanda Seyfried loves swearing. I’m right the fuck with you, sister. [Showbiz Spy]
- Jon Gosselin is now working as a construction worker installing bedazzled solar panels covered in pictures of dragons and tigers in Pennsylvania. The former Jon & Kate Plus 8 Minus Jon star has reportedly been having money troubles, no doubt stemming from his affinity for very tacky, very expensive things. [Showbiz Spy]
- Oprah will interview a post-rehab David Arquette in place of Michael Vick, who did the unthinkable and ruthlessly canceled on Oprah. [NYP]
- Rihanna and Cee-Lo will be touring together this summer. The Fuck You Under My Umbrella Tour? The Fuck You, Rude Boy Tour? [Express]
- Lady Gaga drinks a lot of whiskey and then works out. I bet she smells awesome! [NYP]
- Lady Gaga and Katy Perry are both starting tours right about now. Gaga’s is called the “Look What Weird Thing I’m Doing Now!” Tour and Katy Perry’s will be the “I Am Not Bright Enough To Realize That Other People Besides Me Understand The Virgin/Whore Dichotomy” Tour. [The Independent]
- Lady Gaga wants to be an actress. Judging by her Razzie worthy turn in the video for “Telephone,” let’s hope she invests in some acting classes first. [Digital Spy]
- Colin Firth, the number one masturbation fodder choice for Jane Austen fans of both genders between the ages of 16 and 75, says that marriage is “like a marathon.” You puke at the end? It’s bad for your knees? Free tee shirts? [Digital Spy]
- Pamela Anderson wants Indian companies and universities to retire monkeys used for animal testing as they reach old age, but doesn’t she know the system can’t support all of those old monkeys, what with their bingo habits and trips to Branson? Let’s be realistic, Pam: entitlement programs for elderly primates are bankrupting the global economy. [Yahoo]
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