This Week In Tabloids: Miley Cyrus & John Mayer Spotted Kissing & Ass-Slapping

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, your highly informative neighborhood tabloid roundup. This week, we learned Ryan Phillippe hit on Rihanna, that Suri Cruise needs a 12-step program, and that John Mayer and Miley Cyrus are just two wild, crazy tattooed kids who can't keep their hands off of each other.

This Week In Tabloids: Miley Cyrus & John Mayer Spotted Kissing & Ass-Slapping

Ok!
"'Engaged To Be Married!"
The wedding is on! Things have never been better! Scott has turned over a new leaf! In Miami he was a totally different person! He was drinking every night! They're a family now! He's been to anger management! And counseling! Moving on: Joe Simpson says of his daughter Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz: "Things were not right for a while." A "friend" says, "Ashlee has lost weight in the last six months and was upset all the time. When she needed Pete, he was never around." Now, in some other story, losing weight would be good. But when it's a divorce, it's bad. Take note! Anyway, Ashlee gave up her career when she got pregnant with Bronx and spent weeks alone as Pete went on with his life, etc. She's threatened to leave him a million times and this is it, for reals. Jennifer Aniston's birthday dinner at the Spotted Pig in NYC was not a "date" with Jake Gyllenhaal, as has been reported, because Hugh Jackman, Paul Rudd, Ben Stiller, Adam Sandler, and Andy Samberg were also there. Poor Sad Lonely Jen. Lastly, in case you've always wondered how Kim Kardashian measures up to her boyfriend Kris Humphries, here is a handy illustration (See Fig. 1).
Grade: F (staged child-dropping incident)

This Week In Tabloids: Miley Cyrus & John Mayer Spotted Kissing & Ass-Slapping

Life & Style
"Two Kardashian Weddings"
The season finale of Kourtney & Kim Take New York will end with Scott "American Psycho" Disick proposing to Kourtney. And obviously she'll say yes. Meanwhile, Kim MIGHT marry Kris Humphries. She is not actually engaged, but Kris Jenner has joked that she'll be doing two weddings soon, and apparently that's all you need for a cover story! After her divorce, Ashlee Simpson is planning a big comeback, which includes an album and a return to acting. Will she lipsync on national television as well? Natalie Portman is having a boy! Allegedly. Suri Cruise, who turns five in April, is still drinking from a bottle. The copy here reads: "So why can't Suri put down the bottle?" Jeez, it's not like it's Scotch. Come on. But seriously: Inside the bottle is some kind of Scientology formula made from barley water, homogenized milk and corn syrup. Yum? Finally: Jason Wahler says that reality TV turned him into an addict, if you care.
Grade: D- (staged engagement)

This Week In Tabloids: Miley Cyrus & John Mayer Spotted Kissing & Ass-Slapping

In Touch
"It's Over!"
This story — which claims that Kendra is "tired of pretending" to be a happy couple for staged photo shoots — is accompanied by five huge staged photos of Kendra and Hank in Hawaii. Kendra is "somewhat depressed" and has "become reclusive," although if you read gossip mags, there's no way of knowing that this is the case. The trip to Hawaii was a "top-secret getaway" to "save the marriage," and yet! All these gorgeous staged pictures! In a magazine! We suspect this story was written by the Hawaii tourism board, since Mauna Lani Bay hotel features prominently in the piece, and the writer mentions that Kendra and Hank went kayaking, whale-watching, golfing, and swimming. Next: Did Justin Bieber drop Usher's kid? (See Fig. 2) Amanda Seyfried and Ryan Phillippe are "on the rocks." She's been hanging out with her ex, Mamma Mia costar Dominic Cooper. LeAnn Rimes has turned into a "Bridezilla." An insider says everything she's planning is "way over the top — even the security arrangements. What LeAnn doesn't realize is that not that many people care." Plus! She has three different gowns: One to walk down the aisle, one for dinner, and another to dance in. The passion between Ashlee and Pete has died, FYI, they haven't been intimate since last summer, and are sleeping in separate beds. The "Lady Gaga Headed For A Breakdown" story offers this evidence that she is unraveling: "She's drinking and smoking a lot," says a source. CALL IN THE ARMED FORCES. Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are in couples therapy: KStew wants to save the relationship, but is in no rush wed; Rob is older, more mature, and wants to get hitched. He's ready to get engaged and she's not even ready to kiss him in public. John Mayer is trying to get set up with Sandra Bullock. "He preys on vulnerable stars," the magazine notes. He went for Cameron Diaz when she was on the rebound; Jessica Simpson when she was post-divorce; and Jennifer Aniston, who is "always single." We sort of love the spread called "Would They Have Dated In High School?" (See Fig. 3) in which Mariah Carey and her old nose would have scorned Nick Cannon and Michelle Obama looked like she did not have time for boys even if Barack was all smiles. Last, but not least: our Facebook friend Boo made it into In Touch! Woohoo! (See Fig. 4)
Grade: D+ (staged vacation to save the relationship)

This Week In Tabloids: Miley Cyrus & John Mayer Spotted Kissing & Ass-Slapping

Us
"I Was Obsessed With Being Thin"
In a fairly sincere exclusive six-page interview, Bethenny Frankel discusses her lifelong struggles with food. Bethenny reveals that her mother sent her to an obesity clinic when she was 8 years old. Actually, she says: "I wouldn't say I got sent. I wanted to go. My family wasn't forcing me, but I didn't tell anyone that I was going." She also talks about trying gimmicky diets, watching her weight yo-yo, and brings up the fact that gaining weight during pregnancy triggered some of her past issues. "I cringe when I hear people say I look chubby in these jeans or I'm going to be good tomorrow, I'm going to go on a diet. Mothers say it all the time in front of their daughters. That will never be in my vocabulary!" Of course, the sidebar on this story includes a blurb about Skinny Girl Daily Cleanse And Restore Green Lemonade and a little thing on a bodyshaper slash lingerie item. Moving on: In Ashlee and Pete news, we learn that during their Valentine's Day lunch, they were picking at their food, and "it didn't seem like a light-hearted meal at all." Ryan Phillippe hit on Rihanna at a Gucci brunch event in Los Angeles last week: He asked her what she was doing later, and she signaled, "sleeping." Finally: Johnny Depp says: "I've always had an affinity for lizards, and have always felt close to them and inspired by them. So when I was asked to play a lizard, I thought, 'I'm halfway there.'"
Grade: C (staged divorce lunch)

This Week In Tabloids: Miley Cyrus & John Mayer Spotted Kissing & Ass-Slapping

Star
"FBI Probe Tearing Tom & Katie Apart"
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes went out to dinner recently and looked like they had a lot on their minds. Suri was there, with her bottle. Apparently Tom and Katie are bothered by that big Scientology kerfuffle, and Katie is tired of being a laughingstock. Katie's concerned that Tom's passion for the church could land them both in legal trouble, and that they could be investigated. An anonymous source tells Star about the time sod was laid down in a hurry, around the clock on the Scientology base, so that when Tom arrived by helicopter he wouldn't see brown patches. Rough. Also inside: Bristol Palin is writing a memoir, and Sarah Palin is worried Bristol will spill family secrets. Sienna Miller was "too close for comfort" with some other dude while she was dating Jude Law, and that's why they broke up. Meg Ryan and John Mellencamp are telling people that they are "pre-engaged." He's not divorced yet. Prince Harry wants to announce his engagement to Chelsy Davy a few months after William's wedding. Did you think that we would go without a Brad/Angelina/Jen love triangle story this week? You thought wrong. Angelina is in a rage that Jen still talks to her exes, since that includes Brad Pitt. When Angelina heard about what Jen said, she flipped out. "She was upset that Brad was going behind her back, and would have slapped him if he hadn't put his arm in the way." Next: Miley Cyrus and John Mayer are "Made For Each Other." Um. What. Apparently they were getting all touchy-feely over Grammys weekend, and she was following him around all night at Clive Davis' pre-Grammy party. Backstage at the Grammys, Miley was rubbing John's back, and when he thought no one was looking, he leaned over and kissed her. "It was quick and intense and a bit shocking, but it also seemed sweet," an eyewitness claims. "Afterward, Miley slapped his butt and told him, 'You rock!'" Running to get a barf bag, brb. Miley has told friends that she believes she can make John a one-woman man, and thinks they are great together because she's as wild as he is. Is there an emoticon for a combined feeling of fear and loathing? Kate Middleton is clashing with Camilla Parker-Bowles, because Camilla suggested Kate serve pizza at her wedding since the country's in a recession — and Kate was "stunned and insulted." Lastly, When Owen Wilson's girlfriend got pregnant, she was still living and sleeping with her now ex-boyfriend, a fellow air marshal. They'd bought a house in Virginia together, and the guy had no idea she was cheating on him with Eli Cash.
Grade: C+ (staged ass-slap)

Addendum:

This Week In Tabloids: Miley Cyrus & John Mayer Spotted Kissing & Ass-Slapping

Fig. 1, from Ok!




This Week In Tabloids: Miley Cyrus & John Mayer Spotted Kissing & Ass-Slapping Fig. 2, from In Touch (click to enlarge)


This Week In Tabloids: Miley Cyrus & John Mayer Spotted Kissing & Ass-Slapping Fig. 3, from In Touch (click to enlarge)


This Week In Tabloids: Miley Cyrus & John Mayer Spotted Kissing & Ass-Slapping Fig. 4, from In Touch