Phyllis Schlafly Mad Libs

Phyllis Schlafly is the lady Michael Jordan of hypocrisy. If there were such thing as specialized footwear worn by sayers of one thing and doers of another, they'd surely be called the Air SclaFLY and they'd be heavily advertised on Fox News. Throughout her illustrious career of growing famous and powerful by telling other women that they cannot be powerful, working full time to tell women that they should not work full time, she's said a lot of whiplash-givingly stupid things (including a turn at CPAC this past week), but a lot of those stupid things follow a fairly predictable pattern. Scientists have recently cracked The Schlafly Code, and now, for the first time, you can make your own Phyllis Schlafly speech.

First, I'd like to thank my husband for allowing me to be here today. Good evening friends. I feel very (positive adjective) that I have the opportunity to come here to discuss what's (negative adjective) about feminism, that feminists are literally (violent verb)ing their children every day when they insist that men and women are equal. Feminism is the enemy of (values/God/decency/pie/cake/unicorns/babies/law) and to suggest that feminism is good for women is to suggest the very foundation of our (values/God/decency/pie/cake/unicorns/babies/law) is flawed, that our Founding Fathers didn't know what they were doing.

Feminism is (antiquated slang for "bad," like "hooey" or "poppycock"). It equates women with (barnyard animal) and it teaches our young girls that they should grow up (things that a barnyard animal does) and that this is okay. Across our great nation, women everywhere are demanding child support payments, suing business owners for sexual harassment, and demanding to fight alongside men in the military. Sexual harassment on the job is not a problem for virtuous women. Women who are sexually harassed have been (sexual verb)ing themselves by insisting they be treated like men. Child support actually harms children, because everyone knows that when you give kids money, they just buy (something crappy a kid would buy with money) with it. It also traps men into being forever bound to a woman who (tricked/deceived/magicked) them into believing they'd have access to their child. Women should not fight in the military, because that's unladylike.

Another problem caused by feminism is the proliferation of free public education in this country. Sex education classes are like in-home sales parties for abortions. Education is the (villain/enemy/Deceptacon) of freedom and love. College professors will tell you that (something that isn't having babies) is okay, and professors are wrong. Professors hate America, and public education in this country is the biggest racket since (historical debacle). They will tell you that God doesn't exist and that the way to live life is to (hedonistic behavior) all over the place, but that doesn't lead to happiness. What leads to happiness is good, Christian (verb)ing.

The greatest menace to our country besides feminism is illegal immigration. We have to secure the borders from the (nationality, plural). (Democratic politician) wants to allow (nationality, plural) to (violent crime) our children, and we have to stand up to the PC movement that's (hijacking/stealing/exploiting/donkey punching/literally burning alive) our values and our freedom to criticize liberal ideas like feminism, teaching of evolution in schools, and Sesame Street Muppets, especially (Sesame Street Muppet).

Feminism leads to more money, education, and power for women, but less happiness. Conservative women are the most liberated women in America, because of (wisdom/love/protection/Stockholm Syndrome) and we should be the sources of inspiration, not (feminists/pinkos/commies/liberals/slutterflies/whorey whorepants mcwhores/atheists/owhers of cats/those with baron wombs). I am defending the real rights of woman. A woman should have the right to stay home as a wife and mother. Not (exactly what Phyllis Schlafly has spent her career doing).

Special bonus: Can you pick out the actual Phyllis Schlafly quotes?