Jennifer Aniston Has Some Boring Things To Tell You

America's Least Offensive Ex Girlfriend has been making the publicity rounds, promoting the movie with the confusing posters that you keep seeing in bus shelters that, as far as you can tell, is about boobs, friendship, the beach, and Adam Sandler acting befuddled by the fact that he's getting older, and she's got some things to proclaim. Really, really boring things.

Jennifer Aniston has made a multi decade multi million dollar career out of not rocking the boat, out of being the Girl Next Door, the really pretty one with the body that looks great in clothes but who never, ever says anything with which most Americans don't agree. This latest press junket has gotten out of hand in its vanillaness, though, and it seems like Jennifer is now sourcing her interview responses from Family Feud. You like the sun? Sixty points for you!

Because she's promoting Just Go With It (which actually kind of sounds like a 1980's teen sex comedy attempting to capitalize on the success of Porky's or Revenge of the Nerds) and because she's still inexplicably one of the biggest stars in Hollywood, when Jennifer Aniston says anything, even something super boring, some news outlet will make a headline out of it. For example, did you know that Jennifer Aniston loves infomercials, just like you, Omaha Housewife and Sheepish San Francisco Hipster? She also feels good after working out, like most other humans who also feel good after working out. Go see her movie, most other humans! Jennifer Aniston also doesn't believe that sex on the first date is appropriate, which means she agrees with most Americans (although the question is irrelevant to many of my friends, because what's a date?). Even though she doesn't have kids of her own (uh oh! Threatening!), she believes in being strict with other people's kids and her friends believe that she'd be a strict mom, not one of those crappy moms with kids with their sticky hands running up and patting glass display cases. Relax, America. She's just like you. She also secretly makes perfume, which is a little outside of the mainstream until you pause and consider that everyone probably knows at least one pretty, secretly crafty girl who makes her own perfumes and gives it away as presents, except in the case of most Americans, that pretty friend doesn't later have her perfume carried in department stores or promote Smartwater on billboards.

In her defense, if I were Jennifer Aniston, I'd probably be afraid of saying anything that could be construed as mildly offensive or controversial, as the tabloids have made a sport of extrapolating lonely baby craziness from her most innocuous statements ("I think some babies are cute," for example, would become a headline that read "Jennifer: I need a baby!"), but there has to be a better way. I'm sure that talking to an endless parade of scoop-hungry celebrity media types gets exhausting, but that doesn't mean you need to be boring, Jennifer. We know you can be a lot of fun, what with your rumored potheadedness and frequent trips to Mexico with other celebrities who aren't as afraid as you to say interesting things. You don't have to consult a Gallup poll before opening your mouth; sometimes you're going to want to be a little goofy and off putting. Just go with it.